S
Permaban - Bragging
fyi this is very likely gonna become a long rant. i would be incredibly thankful if some of yall would actually read this and reply, bcuz im genuinly helpless and this is my last cry for help so to speak.
i gonna start by saying this and i mean it as serious as i can. ive legit been done dirty by every single female in my life. my mother was abusive and cheated on my dad and then left us when i was like 12. im 19 now. ive never held hands, havent had my first kiss, and obviously never had sex. then when it comes to love life. ive had two big big crushes, and some other rather small ones that i will not go into here (they all ended badly aswell), in my life. the first one was in eith grade, we talked alot over the phone etc i asked her out, she rejected me and proceeded to tell the whole middle school. spoiler, we end up going to the same high school and i fall in love with her again. anyways, this other girl i was deeply in love with was infact exactly a year ago, she was at the end of her senior year. i didnt hit her up until right after she graduated tho, cuz i didnt wanna face the embarrassment of getting rejected and telling the whole school again. surprisingly the convos went super well and we bonded increadibly quick and the chemistry was there. i have no game whatssover and absolutely dispise talking to strangers, especially women. but it was kinda alright with her. we met after like two weeks of talking and went out to eat dinner, and to the movies afterwars, and then just walked along this trail at the bottom of this "mountain" nexto our city. the hangout itself went super well etc but afterwards she was kinda avoiding going out again with me and we called / talked less over time and i asked her why and she finally said she doesnt wanna get tg, cuz she would be leaving to go to college abroad in europe (we live in the us). i was distraught and never felt that horrible before, since i thought it was finally my time to get a girl to love me (18 at the time). towards the end it got a bit toxic, for example the evening before we went no contact i asked her about her bodycount and that fucking foid said 6. holy shit. 6 fucking guys stuck theyre dicks inside her and watched her moan on dozens of seperate occasions. and she had the audacity to say that she shouldnt feel bad about herself for that. only 3 or 4 of those were bfs btw. i assume the others were one night stands or ppl she cheated with. the next day we decided to go into no contact and i was already in a really bad time mentally there, and it kept going downhill. the thoughts of suicide kept reoccuring and i tried selfharm here and there but because im a bitch and didnt want pain or scars i mostly just listened to depressing music and cried every day for a couple months. i felt dead, abandoned and betrayed. mind u, i made it clear to her that i have a huge fear of being abandoned while we had some deep talks (way before it went downhill). im 100% sure she was aware i was struggling with mommy issues and (anxious) attachment (-issues). like i didnt tell her straight up but we talked about basically my whole life and she knew exactly how hurt i was from everything and how i find it hard to trust ppl, especially women. when it comes to her tho, im fine now, i missed her for a very very very fucking long time, im talking 8 months, even tho we never even dated.
now back to this girl that i liked i 8th grade, she is in the same senior year of highschool as me but we dont share any classes. shes decent friends with 3 of my buddys tho so she didnt become a complete stranger since i heard of stories with her briefly mentioned asw over the years. we had this excursion to the zoo, in which me & some of my hbs and her and some of her friends were apart of. idek why but the group we ended up chilling with that day was mostly me, two of my frienfs, her, her bestie and another girl they were cool with. now we got along decently well id say, on the bus ride from our school to the zoo i ended up sitting behind her and nexto her bsf and we played some games for example wavelengh and such funny guessing games normal humans enjoy ig. it felt not awkward at all and the 4 of us were laughing n shit and telling stuff and gossip or whatever. then at the zoo, as i said before, we spent most time together in this random group that formed (since we got to explore it freely) we talkef here and there. i alr had this weird feeling when i saw her close up in the public bus, like i was realizing i still find her attractive after all these years. besides, there were two main things that made me believe she might be interested in me that day besides us just talking. she asked me for a sip of water (there was only a little left) i said sure and gave it to her, to which she only drank like the tiniest sip ive ever seen. and i remember she put her lips/ tongue around the bottle and looked me in the eyes while taking said miniscule sip of water, and handed me the bottle. i kinda laughed cuz she was smiling and asked if she didnt wanna js finish it and she said no. idek if im actually this delusional but my ass thought (and still kinda does) that she drank so little on purpose so i would get to also put my lips where her lips just were and that thought made my body release an ungodly amount of oxytocin that i havent felt since my one and only hangout with the girl i mentioned before. the second thing that struck my mind was, when our group was in a queue, she was walking infront of my while i was talking to my buddy (it was this weird aquarium area and it was rly dark so no one rly saw shit), and she suddenly stood still infront of me while i was walking so i bumped into her from behind. again, typing this now, it sounds so stupid and sad of me to think that she did that on purpose for whatever erotic reason it may have been. ill try to wrap this up quickly now tho to not waste yalls time. the day went on, we went home, she was tired in the bus and had her airpod max in most of the time so i didnt rly talk to her. the next day we didnt have school and me and five buddys went to this club / bar (my very first time). it was horrible at the beginning but i forced myself to get drunk so i could stop being so awkward. i ended up talking with this random woman and our convos were meaningless and stupid since we were both drunk and talking bs. apparently she kept looking at me way before that and like got a bit touchy n shit but whatever. i didnt want to do anything, im not gonna have my first kiss be a random whore. this isnt rly important tho. the day after that, i added the girl i was crushing on (the 2nd time) on snapchat and put her into my private story (vids and pictures of the evening at the club with my boys, including one of me sitting nexto that random woman and her kinda getting close to me ig). anyway after she added me back, she surprisingly har her location already on for me. i obv turned mine on for her aswell, and then we snapped back and forth, i started a couple convos but i could alr tell by her replies; lack of detail, not asking back etc that she didnt rly seem interested in talking to me. and then like 3 days later she just turned off her location for me. thought id add to make it clear that she never started any convo or anything it was always me and it didnt get far bcuz im a retard when it comes to smalltalk but also cuz she literally had the deadest replies ive ever seen. so now idek what to do with her, sending eachother pictures of our faces back n forth while i like her and she doesnt seem to gaf about me seems stupid and just hurts me the longer it goes on.
wtf do i do??? i would love to at leash get to know her abit and go on a date or just hangout and do smth tg but since were graduating now, ill see her exactly one more time (at graduation ceremony) and im afraid after that, never again. that thought makes me incredibly sad but also fill with anger. why me??? why cant it work out at least the second time we start talking? why did she seem so cool to me at the zoo and now makes me feel like im doing a fucking job interview when i try talking to her? and wtf did i do for her to actively go into her snapchat settings and turn her location off for me?
lastly, some context about me. i was short ugly and fat for most of my life. the last 2 years i thankfully grew to 5'11, which ik isnt very tall especially for women, but im not the "short kid" anymore (thats what ppl used to call me). with my shoes and heightboosters im about 6'1 tho lmao. ive always struggled with acne but kinda got it under control this past year with first oral antibiotics and then accutane. ive been going to the gym and gaining a bit of muscle, but also have lost a lot of fat especially in my belly but also in my face. as u would guess ive been on some looksmaxxing forums this past year (and thank god i did bcuz it made me realise how ugly i was before). im still going and improving my looks etc, but more importantly i get rated hLTN and lMTN, which is as yk slightly above average, not beatiful but not ugly. i have long curly blonde hair that ive been growing out since a couple of months and i think i look alright. ive had two girls even have a crush on me but they were incredibly chopped like im talking sub3. regardless, i think i look at least somewhat decent enough to deserve to be FUCKING LOVED ONCE IN MY LIFE (by an equal preferably) btw the two girls i talked about before, are not really really good looking either. they're both above average, but not drastically imo. but ofc theyre smv is a billion fucking times higher than mine even if looks wise were a looksmatch.
to finalize this rant, id like to say i really really hope theres some woman out there that doesnt ruin my life like all the others did. but my hope is running out. and i feel compassion towards all the others fellow incels that have it worse than me and are genetically even less fortunate. but i do understand how fucking horrible it is to be a young sensitive man in this world bro.
if u get here, pls lmk wtf i should do with my life, i really dont see what the point in living is anymore.
i gonna start by saying this and i mean it as serious as i can. ive legit been done dirty by every single female in my life. my mother was abusive and cheated on my dad and then left us when i was like 12. im 19 now. ive never held hands, havent had my first kiss, and obviously never had sex. then when it comes to love life. ive had two big big crushes, and some other rather small ones that i will not go into here (they all ended badly aswell), in my life. the first one was in eith grade, we talked alot over the phone etc i asked her out, she rejected me and proceeded to tell the whole middle school. spoiler, we end up going to the same high school and i fall in love with her again. anyways, this other girl i was deeply in love with was infact exactly a year ago, she was at the end of her senior year. i didnt hit her up until right after she graduated tho, cuz i didnt wanna face the embarrassment of getting rejected and telling the whole school again. surprisingly the convos went super well and we bonded increadibly quick and the chemistry was there. i have no game whatssover and absolutely dispise talking to strangers, especially women. but it was kinda alright with her. we met after like two weeks of talking and went out to eat dinner, and to the movies afterwars, and then just walked along this trail at the bottom of this "mountain" nexto our city. the hangout itself went super well etc but afterwards she was kinda avoiding going out again with me and we called / talked less over time and i asked her why and she finally said she doesnt wanna get tg, cuz she would be leaving to go to college abroad in europe (we live in the us). i was distraught and never felt that horrible before, since i thought it was finally my time to get a girl to love me (18 at the time). towards the end it got a bit toxic, for example the evening before we went no contact i asked her about her bodycount and that fucking foid said 6. holy shit. 6 fucking guys stuck theyre dicks inside her and watched her moan on dozens of seperate occasions. and she had the audacity to say that she shouldnt feel bad about herself for that. only 3 or 4 of those were bfs btw. i assume the others were one night stands or ppl she cheated with. the next day we decided to go into no contact and i was already in a really bad time mentally there, and it kept going downhill. the thoughts of suicide kept reoccuring and i tried selfharm here and there but because im a bitch and didnt want pain or scars i mostly just listened to depressing music and cried every day for a couple months. i felt dead, abandoned and betrayed. mind u, i made it clear to her that i have a huge fear of being abandoned while we had some deep talks (way before it went downhill). im 100% sure she was aware i was struggling with mommy issues and (anxious) attachment (-issues). like i didnt tell her straight up but we talked about basically my whole life and she knew exactly how hurt i was from everything and how i find it hard to trust ppl, especially women. when it comes to her tho, im fine now, i missed her for a very very very fucking long time, im talking 8 months, even tho we never even dated.
now back to this girl that i liked i 8th grade, she is in the same senior year of highschool as me but we dont share any classes. shes decent friends with 3 of my buddys tho so she didnt become a complete stranger since i heard of stories with her briefly mentioned asw over the years. we had this excursion to the zoo, in which me & some of my hbs and her and some of her friends were apart of. idek why but the group we ended up chilling with that day was mostly me, two of my frienfs, her, her bestie and another girl they were cool with. now we got along decently well id say, on the bus ride from our school to the zoo i ended up sitting behind her and nexto her bsf and we played some games for example wavelengh and such funny guessing games normal humans enjoy ig. it felt not awkward at all and the 4 of us were laughing n shit and telling stuff and gossip or whatever. then at the zoo, as i said before, we spent most time together in this random group that formed (since we got to explore it freely) we talkef here and there. i alr had this weird feeling when i saw her close up in the public bus, like i was realizing i still find her attractive after all these years. besides, there were two main things that made me believe she might be interested in me that day besides us just talking. she asked me for a sip of water (there was only a little left) i said sure and gave it to her, to which she only drank like the tiniest sip ive ever seen. and i remember she put her lips/ tongue around the bottle and looked me in the eyes while taking said miniscule sip of water, and handed me the bottle. i kinda laughed cuz she was smiling and asked if she didnt wanna js finish it and she said no. idek if im actually this delusional but my ass thought (and still kinda does) that she drank so little on purpose so i would get to also put my lips where her lips just were and that thought made my body release an ungodly amount of oxytocin that i havent felt since my one and only hangout with the girl i mentioned before. the second thing that struck my mind was, when our group was in a queue, she was walking infront of my while i was talking to my buddy (it was this weird aquarium area and it was rly dark so no one rly saw shit), and she suddenly stood still infront of me while i was walking so i bumped into her from behind. again, typing this now, it sounds so stupid and sad of me to think that she did that on purpose for whatever erotic reason it may have been. ill try to wrap this up quickly now tho to not waste yalls time. the day went on, we went home, she was tired in the bus and had her airpod max in most of the time so i didnt rly talk to her. the next day we didnt have school and me and five buddys went to this club / bar (my very first time). it was horrible at the beginning but i forced myself to get drunk so i could stop being so awkward. i ended up talking with this random woman and our convos were meaningless and stupid since we were both drunk and talking bs. apparently she kept looking at me way before that and like got a bit touchy n shit but whatever. i didnt want to do anything, im not gonna have my first kiss be a random whore. this isnt rly important tho. the day after that, i added the girl i was crushing on (the 2nd time) on snapchat and put her into my private story (vids and pictures of the evening at the club with my boys, including one of me sitting nexto that random woman and her kinda getting close to me ig). anyway after she added me back, she surprisingly har her location already on for me. i obv turned mine on for her aswell, and then we snapped back and forth, i started a couple convos but i could alr tell by her replies; lack of detail, not asking back etc that she didnt rly seem interested in talking to me. and then like 3 days later she just turned off her location for me. thought id add to make it clear that she never started any convo or anything it was always me and it didnt get far bcuz im a retard when it comes to smalltalk but also cuz she literally had the deadest replies ive ever seen. so now idek what to do with her, sending eachother pictures of our faces back n forth while i like her and she doesnt seem to gaf about me seems stupid and just hurts me the longer it goes on.
wtf do i do??? i would love to at leash get to know her abit and go on a date or just hangout and do smth tg but since were graduating now, ill see her exactly one more time (at graduation ceremony) and im afraid after that, never again. that thought makes me incredibly sad but also fill with anger. why me??? why cant it work out at least the second time we start talking? why did she seem so cool to me at the zoo and now makes me feel like im doing a fucking job interview when i try talking to her? and wtf did i do for her to actively go into her snapchat settings and turn her location off for me?
lastly, some context about me. i was short ugly and fat for most of my life. the last 2 years i thankfully grew to 5'11, which ik isnt very tall especially for women, but im not the "short kid" anymore (thats what ppl used to call me). with my shoes and heightboosters im about 6'1 tho lmao. ive always struggled with acne but kinda got it under control this past year with first oral antibiotics and then accutane. ive been going to the gym and gaining a bit of muscle, but also have lost a lot of fat especially in my belly but also in my face. as u would guess ive been on some looksmaxxing forums this past year (and thank god i did bcuz it made me realise how ugly i was before). im still going and improving my looks etc, but more importantly i get rated hLTN and lMTN, which is as yk slightly above average, not beatiful but not ugly. i have long curly blonde hair that ive been growing out since a couple of months and i think i look alright. ive had two girls even have a crush on me but they were incredibly chopped like im talking sub3. regardless, i think i look at least somewhat decent enough to deserve to be FUCKING LOVED ONCE IN MY LIFE (by an equal preferably) btw the two girls i talked about before, are not really really good looking either. they're both above average, but not drastically imo. but ofc theyre smv is a billion fucking times higher than mine even if looks wise were a looksmatch.
to finalize this rant, id like to say i really really hope theres some woman out there that doesnt ruin my life like all the others did. but my hope is running out. and i feel compassion towards all the others fellow incels that have it worse than me and are genetically even less fortunate. but i do understand how fucking horrible it is to be a young sensitive man in this world bro.
if u get here, pls lmk wtf i should do with my life, i really dont see what the point in living is anymore.
