Venting [emotional bullshit] I am having a mental breakdown atm

[svgmn1]

My failure is being ugly, nice, and weak. those three characteristics define who I was, who I am and who I will be. looking back at some of the core memories and moments that I have in my mind, I literally only see someone losing. losing the fight by being beaten by his bullies as a teenager for six years, losing the battle of respect with his family as their man, losing everyone's respect, losing the fight for trying to be a socially successful person. losing the fight by being constantly ridiculed. my suffering will never stop regardless of what I do. I only know that very few or no people can fully accept me with my ugliness and weakness. as i'm tearing up on the verge of crying writing these words, I think about what I did 24 years earlier when I wrapped the umbicial cord around my neck when I was in my mother's womb and it surprises me how a literal non conscious fetus version of me knew what was and is right to do

 

[subhuman]

As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself—so like a brother, really—I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate.

I used to be like that. Then I had a moment of reckoning and snapped, becoming completely jokerpilled. I don’t take anything seriously anymore, I just don’t care. I laugh in peoples faces now because they’re stupid and not relevant to my life. Sometimes when I’m gonna do something that might piss someone off I hesitate and get worried, but then I realize I don’t care what they think and I actually enjoy their suffering