I am now a senior student at a small liberal arts college. I no longer even have a single friend here. Today, my professor told me that I am not a good programmer and that, even though I followed the directions on my assignment, there is something inherently wrong with my coding style. I feel that she has given up on me as she now only spends a few minutes on helping me and much longer on the other students. Of the 20 or so upperclass students in our CSCI department, I am unquestionably the very worst. I could not get an internship last summer, spend more time on every single detail and have inferior solutions to every single problem. This institution tricked me into studying CSCI. The reason, I believe, is that our Computer Science program is awful and very few students take it. By making the first few classes easy, professors were able to lead me on like a sheep to the slaughter.
At this point, I have about as much faith in my own brain as I do in the condition of Jared Loughner's as he rots in jail. I am a hollow man with a deeply broken mind that can never be fixed. I do not know what is wrong with me but there have always been unbreakable walls between myself and other people. I have failed at everything that I have ever tried to achieve, and I have learned that academics are no exception. Rather, this is truly the most brutal and saddening case of failure yet.
I am not a member of the CSCI community and certainly not part of any University group. Today, I found out that many of the seniors are going to a hackathon tomorrow and I was not invited. Further, I have spent over a year working on an app and the quality of code is schizophrenic word salad. I am ready to die and I want to go home.
The saddest thing is that many of the ones who mog me the most are young Stacies and Beckys. Just a week ago, one of them walked by my house with a group of chads when I was depressed and smoking a cig. She looked at me like an animal and the chads postured defensively in my direction like I was something scary, foreign and hostile: a small mouse with nothing to lose.
Now, I will masturbate to vore fantasies (being swallowed alive by one of the girls in my class and digested). Then, when I am finished, I will text my mom and tell her I am ready to begin the process. This will be long and hard for me. I will need to explain my situation to my parents and to the dean. Also, if I am to attend community college after, I will see how many credits I can transfer and use towards finishing a degree. The Dean will probably yell at me and make me feel small because that is the type of place I am at. As someone described to me, it is a "shark tank" where everyone is calm until blood is spilled. I live all the way across the country since my family lives in poverty and this was the only college with generous aid that accepted me. Thus, I will need to fly all day just to undo my life's plans.
I was a 4.0 student in High-School and I studied an average of 6 hours per day. I was also a 3 sport athlete. I suffered everyday and put myself out of my comfort zone because people had said that "hard work pays off" and I believed that there was hope. I thought that I could compensate for being different, slow and inferior. For instance I had been in special ed during kindergarten, was bullied for it in elementary and then vowed to do everything I could to be better in Middle School.
This world could not have been more unkind to me. I would kill myself but I am too stupid and too big of a coward to ever go through with it. If I tried I would likely just end up in the hospital wearing a diaper for life.
It never began. It never began. It never began for me.
At this point, I have about as much faith in my own brain as I do in the condition of Jared Loughner's as he rots in jail. I am a hollow man with a deeply broken mind that can never be fixed. I do not know what is wrong with me but there have always been unbreakable walls between myself and other people. I have failed at everything that I have ever tried to achieve, and I have learned that academics are no exception. Rather, this is truly the most brutal and saddening case of failure yet.
I am not a member of the CSCI community and certainly not part of any University group. Today, I found out that many of the seniors are going to a hackathon tomorrow and I was not invited. Further, I have spent over a year working on an app and the quality of code is schizophrenic word salad. I am ready to die and I want to go home.
The saddest thing is that many of the ones who mog me the most are young Stacies and Beckys. Just a week ago, one of them walked by my house with a group of chads when I was depressed and smoking a cig. She looked at me like an animal and the chads postured defensively in my direction like I was something scary, foreign and hostile: a small mouse with nothing to lose.
Now, I will masturbate to vore fantasies (being swallowed alive by one of the girls in my class and digested). Then, when I am finished, I will text my mom and tell her I am ready to begin the process. This will be long and hard for me. I will need to explain my situation to my parents and to the dean. Also, if I am to attend community college after, I will see how many credits I can transfer and use towards finishing a degree. The Dean will probably yell at me and make me feel small because that is the type of place I am at. As someone described to me, it is a "shark tank" where everyone is calm until blood is spilled. I live all the way across the country since my family lives in poverty and this was the only college with generous aid that accepted me. Thus, I will need to fly all day just to undo my life's plans.
I was a 4.0 student in High-School and I studied an average of 6 hours per day. I was also a 3 sport athlete. I suffered everyday and put myself out of my comfort zone because people had said that "hard work pays off" and I believed that there was hope. I thought that I could compensate for being different, slow and inferior. For instance I had been in special ed during kindergarten, was bullied for it in elementary and then vowed to do everything I could to be better in Middle School.
This world could not have been more unkind to me. I would kill myself but I am too stupid and too big of a coward to ever go through with it. If I tried I would likely just end up in the hospital wearing a diaper for life.
It never began. It never began. It never began for me.
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