I was born atheist and I'll probably die atheist
I wish I was religious, it seems like an awesome cope: someone cares about you, ultimately there will be justice
I fantasised about becoming a priest/pastor/monk a lot in my childhood, but you can't really become one without being religious (I guess you could fake it, but I'd require incredible levels of sociopathy and living with constant cognitive dissonance)
I've had many periods where I actively tried to force myself to be religious (reading the Bible and especially the New Testament over and over, praying for hours, looking up apologetics videos on YouTube all day long etc. ), but it seems I fall under the 'blessed are those who believe without seeing me' category and that's some spiritual cucking
I admire religioncels, because not only actually believing seems terribly hard (I think most normies go to church just for the community, they'd give up faith instantly if there was any persecution), but participating in a church/congregation nowadays would make my blood boil - normies have no respect (foids go half-naked to religious buildings) and the whole charismatic movement seems like low-inhibit chads taking over Christianity to me
my understanding of theology is terrible, but the Lord's Prayer seems to sum up everything perfectly: if God really is good and just, he's probably better at deciding what's best for the world than some anon