V
Inceldom never really bothered me (relatively speaking) in my teens and early 20's. My avoidance anxiety and tendency to withdraw from social situations was 100x stronger than any primal urge to chase women. I never entertained the idea of myself having sex, a girlfriend - I was preoccupied with understanding my face, looksmaxxing, bluepilled dreams of becoming decent looking and attracting female validation... then maybe I would put effort into obtaining a gf and sex after my face is good. The concept of the all encompassing feeling of love that normalfags endlessly talk of never crossed my mind in the first 22 years of my life.
Now, 25, hardcore blackpilled, confirmed 3/10 with medically diagnosed facial deformities, and just weeks away from double jaw surgery I have dreamed about for 5 years, I am rapidly descending into insanity over an out of control desire for intimacy and reciprocated love. Self hatred, anxiety and depression at an all time high, yet my primal urge for a girlfriend is overpowering and dominating my mind. I will certainly be in the nuthouse or victim to loneliness induced death within 5 years at this rate. Something in my touch-starved being SNAPPED today at work. My division is entirely male, I hadn't seen a female up close in any part of my life for months. A one off, today for an hour I worked with an objective 5/10 hapa/quapa girl a few years older (she looked like 'mattress girl' but better looking). Juggernaut law and being a fucking 25yo khv made her 9/10, and despite her unreceptive, cold body language, and years of blackpill literature seared into my frontal lobe I was entranced by her presence. The nature of the job meant we were physically close and at times I felt she wasn't disgusted by my presence. For a few moments our hands touched, activating some sort of long lost neural network in my brain. I felt alive for the first time, finally experiencing snippets of millions of years of evolutionary programming, albeit in pathetic circumstances. The feeling was bittersweet as it was transient, immediately replaced with a wave of melancholy as reality hit that my face is likely unsalvageably ugly, I have no experience with women, women are overwhelmingly whores, women can't love men, and life isn't fair. I wish I could go back to rotting neet life in my basement, oblivious to the realities of the human condition I experienced today.
Now, 25, hardcore blackpilled, confirmed 3/10 with medically diagnosed facial deformities, and just weeks away from double jaw surgery I have dreamed about for 5 years, I am rapidly descending into insanity over an out of control desire for intimacy and reciprocated love. Self hatred, anxiety and depression at an all time high, yet my primal urge for a girlfriend is overpowering and dominating my mind. I will certainly be in the nuthouse or victim to loneliness induced death within 5 years at this rate. Something in my touch-starved being SNAPPED today at work. My division is entirely male, I hadn't seen a female up close in any part of my life for months. A one off, today for an hour I worked with an objective 5/10 hapa/quapa girl a few years older (she looked like 'mattress girl' but better looking). Juggernaut law and being a fucking 25yo khv made her 9/10, and despite her unreceptive, cold body language, and years of blackpill literature seared into my frontal lobe I was entranced by her presence. The nature of the job meant we were physically close and at times I felt she wasn't disgusted by my presence. For a few moments our hands touched, activating some sort of long lost neural network in my brain. I felt alive for the first time, finally experiencing snippets of millions of years of evolutionary programming, albeit in pathetic circumstances. The feeling was bittersweet as it was transient, immediately replaced with a wave of melancholy as reality hit that my face is likely unsalvageably ugly, I have no experience with women, women are overwhelmingly whores, women can't love men, and life isn't fair. I wish I could go back to rotting neet life in my basement, oblivious to the realities of the human condition I experienced today.
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