Daydreaming thread. I might be experiencing psychosis

[D. B. Gooner]

Was just daydreaming while going for a walk as I usually do. At times I slip up and start talking to myself irl, in english too as that's the language I think in, which would definitely creep out serbs. Thankfully no one was around as I'm headed into the "wilderness".

Daydream characters: myself, my project partner(ends up being my girlfriend), my twin sister (doesn't exist irl).

I will have to leave out a bunch of details of the daydream out as, quite frankly, they're embarassing. In the daydream I'm 15. I'm new to the school and so is my project partner (15yo girl, cute and edgy). I message her on Instagram telling her I'm her partner and that we should meet up to work on the project. Before we meet up she asks me what I look like, I say "I have curly hair and a yamaka". She says "You're jewish?". I say "Yeah. I'm sensing some antisemitism. Please restrain yourself from doing that again, otherwise I will be forced to report you."

Then we meet up at a park. She doesn't realize it's me but I approach her and stun her with my looks. Turns out, I'm not jewish, and I look like myself but morphed to look angelic kinda like Jordan Barrett. She gets nervous and I walk her to my home where we would do our project.

At home, she meets my twin sister, equally beautiful girl, like Brooke Shields but blonde. My sister is dismissive and acts narcissistic and with a lot of embarrassment. Whenever I say something jokingly, she counter signals it in an annoyed manner. She let's it slip that we're not jewish and I get mad at her, then turn to my partner and explain my sister is a pro Palestine tard. (Partner girl is edgy so hates both jews and palestinians).

She asks how come my sister doesn't go to school while I do. I explain that we're orphans(I'm not an orphan irl), and that I make money from the internet( I don't irl). I say CPS allowed us to live by ourselves under the condition that one of us attends school. I say jokingly "It had to be me, I'm smarter. My sister is also more beautiful. It has always been just the two of us, we've never had friends. If she went to that school she'd get showered with attention foe the first time in her life. I'm afriad she'd fall fkr some degenerate." My sister implies I'm trying to control her. I say she can go for a walk and get 5 cold approaches, that she is the one not putting herself out there.

To shorten it, by the end, I make a move on my partner and she's in love with me. Also somewhere within the daydream the school happens to give me my iq evaluation results as my gf is next to me, so she kearns my IQ is officially 140.

What's weird about this daydream, other than the plot: I am perfectly charming, I'm cracking jokes, I lead the conversation. My twin sister is how I present myself to others irl: hiding all her thoughts, hiveminded, ashamed and embarassed of everything. It's like I separated all of my neurodivergence onto the twin sister character, and made myself the ideal, what I should have been. Also seems like I made myself the martyr and savior of the twin sister character. Daydream lasted a good 40mins.

What does it all mean? Is this psychosis? ( I imagined all of this in public) Is it normal?

Also should I tell this to AI to see what it says, or will it report me?

 

[I_like_pizza]

seem like a good plot

 

[D. B. Gooner]

Ye nvm, that's not what psychosis is. What I'm doing is apparently called "splitting".

 

[D. B. Gooner]

@cathuluelitist do you read Jung? I read nothing at all. But I'm really interested in whether I can intigrate this twin sister persona I've developed and become more like my ideal self. Was wondering if psychology would actually help.

 

[nihilum]

Over for psychosiscels

 

[Shark]

Bro is literally me

 

[D. B. Gooner]

Bro is literally me

Do you also build characters you use to separate negative traits from yourself? I think it makes sense that mine is a lonely twin sister. If it was a brother it would be weird, this way it's like my bad traits are a precious vulnerable girl I need to protect and take care of.

 

[SEX NIGGA]

I daydream as well, everyday for several hours even. My current daydream is being a Airforce pilot with a hot ass wife (Natalie Portman) who’s in war

 

[Shark]

Do you also build characters you use to separate negative traits from yourself? I think it makes sense that mine is a lonely twin sister. If it was a brother it would be weird, this way it's like my bad traits are a precious vulnerable girl I need to protect and take care of.

I used to do this more when I was younger but nowadays I still talk to myself in English a lot while daydreaming or just venting. That's despite English not being my native lang.

 

[yig]

I daydream a lot, especially while at my job since I don't do much at and have lot's of free time. I had a similar story like you but it was my cousin, and she was ugly instead of beautiful

 

[cathuluelitist]

@cathuluelitist do you read Jung? I read nothing at all. But I'm really interested in whether I can intigrate this twin sister persona I've developed and become more like my ideal self. Was wondering if psychology would actually help.

Jung and Frederick Buechner are the only guys I've been reading to help with my thoughtform forcing and sensual imposition. The core of what you want to do seems similar to forcing so maybe reading the tulpamanicon or my thread would help.

 

[D. B. Gooner]

Jung and Frederick Buechner are the only guys I've been reading to help with my thoughtform forcing and sensual imposition. The core of what you want to do seems similar to forcing so maybe reading the tulpamanicon or my thread would help.

Bro I don't wanna be more schizo I wanna unfuck my brain.

 

[SeungCho764]

Was just daydreaming while going for a walk as I usually do. At times I slip up and start talking to myself irl, in english too as that's the language I think in, which would definitely creep out serbs. Thankfully no one was around as I'm headed into the "wilderness".

Daydream characters: myself, my project partner(ends up being my girlfriend), my twin sister (doesn't exist irl).

I will have to leave out a bunch of details of the daydream out as, quite frankly, they're embarassing. In the daydream I'm 15. I'm new to the school and so is my project partner (15yo girl, cute and edgy). I message her on Instagram telling her I'm her partner and that we should meet up to work on the project. Before we meet up she asks me what I look like, I say "I have curly hair and a yamaka". She says "You're jewish?". I say "Yeah. I'm sensing some antisemitism. Please restrain yourself from doing that again, otherwise I will be forced to report you."

Then we meet up at a park. She doesn't realize it's me but I approach her and stun her with my looks. Turns out, I'm not jewish, and I look like myself but morphed to look angelic kinda like Jordan Barrett. She gets nervous and I walk her to my home where we would do our project.

At home, she meets my twin sister, equally beautiful girl, like Brooke Shields but blonde. My sister is dismissive and acts narcissistic and with a lot of embarrassment. Whenever I say something jokingly, she counter signals it in an annoyed manner. She let's it slip that we're not jewish and I get mad at her, then turn to my partner and explain my sister is a pro Palestine tard. (Partner girl is edgy so hates both jews and palestinians).

She asks how come my sister doesn't go to school while I do. I explain that we're orphans(I'm not an orphan irl), and that I make money from the internet( I don't irl). I say CPS allowed us to live by ourselves under the condition that one of us attends school. I say jokingly "It had to be me, I'm smarter. My sister is also more beautiful. It has always been just the two of us, we've never had friends. If she went to that school she'd get showered with attention foe the first time in her life. I'm afriad she'd fall fkr some degenerate." My sister implies I'm trying to control her. I say she can go for a walk and get 5 cold approaches, that she is the one not putting herself out there.

To shorten it, by the end, I make a move on my partner and she's in love with me. Also somewhere within the daydream the school happens to give me my iq evaluation results as my gf is next to me, so she kearns my IQ is officially 140.

What's weird about this daydream, other than the plot: I am perfectly charming, I'm cracking jokes, I lead the conversation. My twin sister is how I present myself to others irl: hiding all her thoughts, hiveminded, ashamed and embarassed of everything. It's like I separated all of my neurodivergence onto the twin sister character, and made myself the ideal, what I should have been. Also seems like I made myself the martyr and savior of the twin sister character. Daydream lasted a good 40mins.

What does it all mean? Is this psychosis? ( I imagined all of this in public) Is it normal?

Also should I tell this to AI to see what it says, or will it report me?

Whats interesting about this is that it proves ur brain has the ability to engage in neurotypical conversation effectively; its just that being born as a non chad fucks it up through hardship and depravity

 

[St3v3Cel]

Before we meet up she asks me what I look like, I say "I have curly hair and a yamaka". She says "You're jewish?". I say "Yeah. I'm sensing some antisemitism. Please restrain yourself from doing that again, otherwise I will be forced to report you."

Then we meet up at a park. She doesn't realize it's me but I approach her and stun her with my looks. Turns out, I'm not jewish, and I look like myself but morphed to look angelic kinda like Jordan Barrett. She gets nervous and I walk her to my home where we would do our project.

At home, she meets my twin sister, equally beautiful girl, like Brooke Shields but blonde. My sister is dismissive and acts narcissistic and with a lot of embarrassment. Whenever I say something jokingly, she counter signals it in an annoyed manner. She let's it slip that we're not jewish and I get mad at her, then turn to my partner and explain my sister is a pro Palestine tard. (Partner girl is edgy so hates both jews and palestinians).

You're a fucking comedian man, even in your subconscious thoughts .

What does it all mean? Is this psychosis? ( I imagined all of this in public) Is it normal?

Also should I tell this to AI to see what it says, or will it report me?

Your posts remind me a lot of myself when I was a kid, but also of some other people I've met in my life. You're not crazy, or at least not in a traditional way. I'd say you have the mind of a textbook artist archetype. I will say that I had this kind of intense schizoid-like confusion and derealisation in my life starting at around 13 years old and ending at around 18 years old. Losing yourself in a world of your imagination like this is a good and necessary thing in some ways, but you can't let it become a crutch in your life. If you for example have theories about how certain people are (or how yourself are), you need to put those theories to the test for your own sanity, otherwise you can be completely and utterly consumed by them all the way until your demise.

Considering how delirious you already notice yourself being, I'd say that almost 100% of your theories about yourself and others will not hold any water whatsoever, and it will take some humility to accept that when it comes to it. It will probably even be very painful as well, to realise the true nature of yourself and others, and that no one is special and that we are all very much alone at the end of the day no matter what (the anime Kaiji: Ultimate Survivor and Kaiji: Against All Rules illustrates this very well, excellent watch if you haven't seen it). Real talk: truly coming to realisations like that will most likely be so painful that you'll feel like you genuinely feel like you want to end your life. When you have had all your theories disproven you probably will feel that broken, trust me on that one.

But if you can find a way to be strong you will be able to to come to appreciate this, and even feel free from the immense clarity in life you will have gained in life. Death will still come and firmly place his hand on your shoulder every now and then, but your mind will be strong enough to wait it out, because you will know that life has a cyclical nature. Things feel bad and then they feel good again, and then bad again, good again and so on. Life always follows that loop, and the length of each "good" and "bad" stage will be completely random (as well as how much worse or how much better things will be). Sometimes they will even shuffle extremely quickly back and forth, which can be very disorienting. Maybe all this sounds like obvious nonsense, but I think it is important to point out because far too many people genuinely believe that life can be all good, or all bad all the time.

I have to say that not all people can break out of this unfortunately You can call me a loon for saying this because I am, but the reason for that is because things like this is genuinely like a demonic possession of sorts. If you ever manage to reach the state of clarity I'm describing you will be able to see when someone is possessed, and they will be able to see you, but they will leave you alone as to not jeapordise their "host", so to speak . Even if you feel compelled to help these people, don't, because tragic as it is they can't be helped, or at least they can't be helped by traditional means. There is actually one way to help these people, or yourself if you start fearing that you really will go off the deep end. That way is old-school exorcism. You read that correctly, exorcism. Could be from a Christian priest, a voodoo witch doctor, a tribesman or anything, you name it, I promise that it will rid you of your delusions permanently.

Anyways, if you read this reply hopefully it didn't read as too crazy or incomprehensible for you, I promise I'm not pulling your leg or trying to string you along for a practical joke. Let's just say I see a "demon" in you, or whatever you want to call it, and I hope that you will find a way to rid yourself of it. This was all off the top off my head as I read this post today, if you need more information I can probably give it to you if you can ask some good questions for me to answer. I'm no intellectual, philosopher or psychologist though obviously, just a schizocel truecel with some intuition and experience in these things, normal people don't listen to me or understand me whatsoever. Just thought I'd throw that out there since you're talking about this kind of stuff, and are here on this type of site of course.

 

[D. B. Gooner]

You're a fucking comedian man, even in your subconscious thoughts .

Your posts remind me a lot of myself when I was a kid, but also of some other people I've met in my life. You're not crazy, or at least not in a traditional way. I'd say you have the mind of a textbook artist archetype. I will say that I had this kind of intense schizoid-like confusion and derealisation in my life starting at around 13 years old and ending at around 18 years old. Losing yourself in a world of your imagination like this is a good and necessary thing in some ways, but you can't let it become a crutch in your life. If you for example have theories about how certain people are (or how yourself are), you need to put those theories to the test for your own sanity, otherwise you can be completely and utterly consumed by them all the way until your demise.

Considering how delirious you already notice yourself being, I'd say that almost 100% of your theories about yourself and others will not hold any water whatsoever, and it will take some humility to accept that when it comes to it. It will probably even be very painful as well, to realise the true nature of yourself and others, and that no one is special and that we are all very much alone at the end of the day no matter what (the anime Kaiji: Ultimate Survivor and Kaiji: Against All Rules illustrates this very well, excellent watch if you haven't seen it). Real talk: truly coming to realisations like that will most likely be so painful that you'll feel like you genuinely feel like you want to end your life. When you have had all your theories disproven you probably will feel that broken, trust me on that one.

But if you can find a way to be strong you will be able to to come to appreciate this, and even feel free from the immense clarity in life you will have gained in life. Death will still come and firmly place his hand on your shoulder every now and then, but your mind will be strong enough to wait it out, because you will know that life has a cyclical nature. Things feel bad and then they feel good again, and then bad again, good again and so on. Life always follows that loop, and the length of each "good" and "bad" stage will be completely random (as well as how much worse or how much better things will be). Sometimes they will even shuffle extremely quickly back and forth, which can be very disorienting. Maybe all this sounds like obvious nonsense, but I think it is important to point out because far too many people genuinely believe that life can be all good, or all bad all the time.

I have to say that not all people can break out of this unfortunately You can call me a loon for saying this because I am, but the reason for that is because things like this is genuinely like a demonic possession of sorts. If you ever manage to reach the state of clarity I'm describing you will be able to see when someone is possessed, and they will be able to see you, but they will leave you alone as to not jeapordise their "host", so to speak . Even if you feel compelled to help these people, don't, because tragic as it is they can't be helped, or at least they can't be helped by traditional means. There is actually one way to help these people, or yourself if you start fearing that you really will go off the deep end. That way is old-school exorcism. You read that correctly, exorcism. Could be from a Christian priest, a voodoo witch doctor, a tribesman or anything, you name it, I promise that it will rid you of your delusions permanently.

Anyways, if you read this reply hopefully it didn't read as too crazy or incomprehensible for you, I promise I'm not pulling your leg or trying to string you along for a practical joke. Let's just say I see a "demon" in you, or whatever you want to call it, and I hope that you will find a way to rid yourself of it. This was all off the top off my head as I read this post today, if you need more information I can probably give it to you if you can ask some good questions for me to answer. I'm no intellectual, philosopher or psychologist though obviously, just a schizocel truecel with some intuition and experience in these things, normal people don't listen to me or understand me whatsoever. Just thought I'd throw that out there since you're talking about this kind of stuff, and are here on this type of site of course.

Hmmm I'm not sure I unerstand to be honest. What do you mean by theories about myself. Like me talking about what I presume the sister character to be? Also demon might be excessive, I think it's just a character my mind created to cope with my social inadequacies.

 

[Wolnir]

Raw meat is frying your brain bro

 

[St3v3Cel]

Hmmm I'm not sure I unerstand to be honest. What do you mean by theories about myself.

What I mean is that you have many ideas about what kind of a person you are, and what kind of perceptions others have of you but you have yet to put them to the test to verify them, so they remain merely theories. It's good to have a hypothesis, but you need to act on that hypothesis and continually conduct experiments on it to gather actual data, and ultimately real knowledge which is what will set you free.

This also goes for other people. You have written about being obsessed over a certain girl several times on this site, for example. What you have done is built up an impossibly elaborate idea of what kind of person that girl is, as well as what she could be to you but you have yet to act on it or begun to confirm anything about it, it too, is still all in your head for the time being. Starting to approach that girl would take some serious courage, and would probably not be the first place you should start with, but eventually I think it will be necessary for you to face the reality of who that girl is, whatever that could be.

A more actionable person in your life would probably be someone from your immediate family, who you have to spend time with anyways, like your Mother perhaps for example, who is another person you have written about. With someone like that you have known so long and have such an inherent connection with it will have to be delicate, and most likely take many years of small but persistent action before it bears any real fruit, but it is something you should do.

Like me talking about what I presume the sister character to be? Also demon might be excessive, I think it's just a character my mind created to cope with my social inadequacies.

My reply is not about this daydream in particular, though I will say that it is textbook demon shieet. It is about not living on assumptions, or to think that you can know everything merely from observation about the world. Like I said, what you should be doing is consistently and aggresively conducting experiments in your life to accrue real knowledge about life.

You mentioned Jungian psychology in this thread and that also plays into it. You have yourself acknowledged that there is a drastic disconnect between your inner self and the versions of yourself you present to the world, and sometimes this even makes you confused about who you really are. To have this kind of disconnect is not uncommon, but it is not in any way healthy. It will wreck your mind eventually to keep going like this, so you have to find a way to align your outer self with your inner self, you have to start protecting your own sanity at all costs.

To clarify, this is what "conducting experiments" will involve doing:

1. You will inevitably be placing yourself firmly at the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak, and make no mistake about that.

2. You will "jestermaxx", but not to try to fit in with others or have them like you, it will be purely about gathering information out of people in creative ways. Basically, you have to be ready to make a complete and utter fool of yourself several times over (if you are confident that you could get useful information out of it, that is. If not, just leave or stay put and observe which you are already an expert at). It is an extremely necessary part of the process, you will have to see it as the cost of learning.

3. You will break many taboos and social norms. You have already shown yourself to be a staunch skeptic, who consistently questions the status quo and what we know to be true, and you should continue doing that. I'm not saying that you have done this, but on the other hand don't be a contrarian just for the sake of it either. Sometimes the popular opinion is actually the right one, or it at least holds merit in many situations, and I would describe it as lifefuel when that is the case. Anyways, this means that you will have to risk being a bit impolite or even rude at times.

I already spoke a bit about what my own conclusions were in my previous reply in this thread, as well as elsewhere on this site. You don't have to agree with those or come to the same conclusions, but I imagine the process I point out here could be of use to you. I don't know, maybe it's all boomier tier nonsense at worst, or being Captain Obvious at best. Anyways, that's just my "opinion, man", take it or leave it.

 

[St3v3Cel]

1. You will inevitably be placing yourself firmly at the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak, and make no mistake about that.

2. You will "jestermaxx", but not to try to fit in with others or have them like you, it will be purely about gathering information out of people in creative ways. Basically, you have to be ready to make a complete and utter fool of yourself several times over (if you are confident that you could get useful information out of it, that is. If not, just leave or stay put and observe which you are already an expert at). It is an extremely necessary part of the process, you will have to see it as the cost of learning.

3. You will break many taboos and social norms. You have already shown yourself to be a staunch skeptic, who consistently questions the status quo and what we know to be true, and you should continue doing that. I'm not saying that you have done this, but on the other hand don't be a contrarian just for the sake of it either. Sometimes the popular opinion is actually the right one, or it at least holds merit in many situations, and I would describe it as lifefuel when that is the case. Anyways, this means that you will have to risk being a bit impolite or even rude at times.

I guess I should also say that it will involve simply being real with people. Spoiler alert before you do it: you will be casting pearls before people who turn out to be swines almost every time, but it is also a necessary part of the process. Pick your battles with it though, again, only do it when you think you will be able to learn something useful. @D. B. Gooner

 

[mrlunatic]

Do you also build characters you use to separate negative traits from yourself? I think it makes sense that mine is a lonely twin sister. If it was a brother it would be weird, this way it's like my bad traits are a precious vulnerable girl I need to protect and take care of.

I daydream as well, everyday for several hours even. My current daydream is being a Airforce pilot with a hot ass wife (Natalie Portman) who’s in war

I used to do this more when I was younger but nowadays I still talk to myself in English a lot while daydreaming or just venting. That's despite English not being my native lang.

I daydream a lot, especially while at my job since I don't do much at and have lot's of free time. I had a similar story like you but it was my cousin, and she was ugly instead of beautiful

Look up maladaptive daydreaming.

 

[D. B. Gooner]

What I mean is that you have many ideas about what kind of a person you are, and what kind of perceptions others have of you but you have yet to put them to the test to verify them, so they remain merely theories. It's good to have a hypothesis, but you need to act on that hypothesis and continually conduct experiments on it to gather actual data, and ultimately real knowledge which is what will set you free.

This also goes for other people. You have written about being obsessed over a certain girl several times on this site, for example. What you have done is built up an impossibly elaborate idea of what kind of person that girl is, as well as what she could be to you but you have yet to act on it or begun to confirm anything about it, it too, is still all in your head for the time being. Starting to approach that girl would take some serious courage, and would probably not be the first place you should start with, but eventually I think it will be necessary for you to face the reality of who that girl is, whatever that could be.

A more actionable person in your life would probably be someone from your immediate family, who you have to spend time with anyways, like your Mother perhaps for example, who is another person you have written about. With someone like that you have known so long and have such an inherent connection with it will have to be delicate, and most likely take many years of small but persistent action before it bears any real fruit, but it is something you should do.

It is impossible to confirm any of your suspicions, as you can not read the minds of other people. They are performative, intimidated, or delusional and will never fully open up. And so am I, it took me a long time to form my own psychological profile. Ultimately I find experiments to be just as dismissible as assumptions you make solely in theory. I wasn't even aware of my own loneliness until I was about 21. I thought my loneliness was circumstantial, that one day I would get up and build a social life for myself, but it never happened. The past 2 years have led me to spiral mentally and reflect a lot about my childhood.

Unfortunately reading about psychological disorders like avoidant personality and narcissism has led me to adhere to those mental states and use them as an excuse even if I believe them to be inaccurate, oversimplified labels. I am more trapped than ever. My last hope is to experience ego death. I don't believe in ego death. I don't believe it is achievable. I certainly hate ego death larpers. But it is my only hope. I need to reset my brain.

My current mental state is proof that my brain works, it is simply an adaptation that was necessary for me to survive my childhood. If I can be grounded enough, perhaps I can signal to my brain that my environment isn't the same anymore, and that my personality can be reshaped, or rather realized into what it was meant to be from the start.

I both dislike and like the reflecting I've done over those past 2 years.

On one hand, for the first time in my life, I feel like I have opinions, even if they're usually reductionist and abstract. I used to parrot other people's concrete opinions, or not hold any whatsoever. During my 4 years in uni, I was fully isolated, living alone, only interacting with people in classes. I had also abandoned my old internet friend group and wasn't on any social media. Complete lack of communication of any sort. My brain had become foggy, I genuinely didn't know what I truly believed about basically anything in the world. Since joining the forum, and writing out my thoughts day by day, I feel as if I have somewhat individuated. Someone could talk to me on the street and I could actually give a non-performative answer.

On the other hand, I am more miserable than ever. I used to be a sweetheart. A pushover, a loser, dissatisfied, but a sweetheart. Becoming more self-aware has not changed the pushover part one bit. I am basically the same person, except I hold this deep sense of despair and hopelessness. I suppress all of my emotions all the time, as I find expressing them to be very cringeworthy. The only emotion strong enough for me to ever not be able to suppress is rage. Every now and again, I will break out in a fit of rage and let out all the pent up resentment. Essentially the only time I'm being my true self is when I am being hateful. People will pick up on that one day irl and think "No wonder he is so lonely, he is such a meanspirited guy".

 

[D. B. Gooner]

It is impossible to confirm any of your suspicions, as you can not read the minds of other people. They are performative, intimidated, or delusional and will never fully open up. And so am I, it took me a long time to form my own psychological profile. Ultimately I find experiments to be just as dismissible as assumptions you make solely in theory. I wasn't even aware of my own loneliness until I was about 21. I thought my loneliness was circumstantial, that one day I would get up and build a social life for myself, but it never happened. The past 2 years have led me to spiral mentally and reflect a lot about my childhood.

Unfortunately reading about psychological disorders like avoidant personality and narcissism has led me to adhere to those mental states and use them as an excuse even if I believe them to be inaccurate, oversimplified labels. I am more trapped than ever. My last hope is to experience ego death. I don't believe in ego death. I don't believe it is achievable. I certainly hate ego death larpers. But it is my only hope. I need to reset my brain.

My current mental state is proof that my brain works, it is simply an adaptation that was necessary for me to survive my childhood. If I can be grounded enough, perhaps I can signal to my brain that my environment isn't the same anymore, and that my personality can be reshaped, or rather realized into what it was meant to be from the start.

I both dislike and like the reflection I've done over those past 2 years.

On one hand, for the first time in my life, I feel like I have opinions, even if they're usually reductionist and abstract. I used to parrot other people's concrete opinions, or not hold any whatsoever. During my 4 years in uni, I was fully isolated, living alone, only interacting with people in classes. I had also abandoned my old internet friend group and wasn't on any social media. My brain had become foggy, I genuinely didn't know what I truly believed about basically anything in the world. Since joining the forum, and writing out my thoughts day by day, I feel as if I have somewhat individuated. Someone could talk to me on the street and I could actually give a non-performative answer.

On the other hand, I am more miserable than ever. I used to be a sweetheart. A pushover, a loser, dissatisfied, but a sweetheart. Becoming more self-aware has not changed the pushover part one bit. I am basically the same person, except I hold this deep sense of despair and hopelessness. I suppress all of my emotions all the time, as I find expressing them to be very cringeworthy. The only emotion ever strong enough for me to not be able to suppress is rage. Every now and again, I will break out in a fit of rage and let out all the pent up resentment. Essentially the only time I'm being my true self is when I am being hateful. People will pick up on that one day irl and think "No wonder he is so lonely".

Also experimentation could lead to a complete shut off, a complete loss of hope. If I get "brave" for once, and put all my chips into a cold approach or something of the sort, and I get rejected, I will bounce into avoidance harder than ever before. I can't merely experiment and not invest emotion into the results. If the results are negative, I WILL suffer from it, I can't be coldhearted or indifferent.

 

[St3v3Cel]

It is impossible to confirm any of your suspicions, as you can not read the minds of other people. They are performative, intimidated, or delusional and will never fully open up.

You can never understand another person completely, that is something I have said before. What I mean is simply that neither oneself, or anyone else is really that interesting and that it is possible find out at least that much.

And so am I, it took me a long time to form my own psychological profile. Ultimately I find experiments to be just as dismissible as assumptions you make solely in theory. I wasn't even aware of my own loneliness until I was about 21. I thought my loneliness was circumstantial, that one day I would get up and build a social life for myself, but it never happened. The past 2 years have led me to spiral mentally and reflect a lot about my childhood.

When it comes to loneliness in particular it is something I would describe as absolute. Everyone is alone, not matter what. But again, you don't have to agree with that.

Unfortunately reading about psychological disorders like avoidant personality and narcissism has led me to adhere to those mental states and use them as an excuse even if I believe them to be inaccurate, oversimplified labels. I am more trapped than ever. My last hope is to experience ego death. I don't believe in ego death. I don't believe it is achievable. I certainly hate ego death larpers. But it is my only hope. I need to reset my brain.

My current mental state is proof that my brain works, it is simply an adaptation that was necessary for me to survive my childhood. If I can be grounded enough, perhaps I can signal to my brain that my environment isn't the same anymore, and that my personality can be reshaped, or rather realized into what it was meant to be from the start.

This will be a little crass, but I think you need to lay off that psychology crackpipe. Try to trust your intuition for once in your life.

I both dislike and like the reflecting I've done over those past 2 years.

On one hand, for the first time in my life, I feel like I have opinions, even if they're usually reductionist and abstract. I used to parrot other people's concrete opinions, or not hold any whatsoever. During my 4 years in uni, I was fully isolated, living alone, only interacting with people in classes. I had also abandoned my old internet friend group and wasn't on any social media. Complete lack of communication of any sort. My brain had become foggy, I genuinely didn't know what I truly believed about basically anything in the world. Since joining the forum, and writing out my thoughts day by day, I feel as if I have somewhat individuated. Someone could talk to me on the street and I could actually give a non-performative answer.

On the other hand, I am more miserable than ever. I used to be a sweetheart. A pushover, a loser, dissatisfied, but a sweetheart. Becoming more self-aware has not changed the pushover part one bit. I am basically the same person, except I hold this deep sense of despair and hopelessness. I suppress all of my emotions all the time, as I find expressing them to be very cringeworthy. The only emotion strong enough for me to ever not be able to suppress is rage. Every now and again, I will break out in a fit of rage and let out all the pent up resentment. Essentially the only time I'm being my true self is when I am being hateful. People will pick up on that one day irl and think "No wonder he is so lonely, he is such a meanspirited guy".

Also experimentation could lead to a complete shut off, a complete loss of hope. If I get "brave" for once, and put all my chips into a cold approach or something of the sort, and I get rejected, I will bounce into avoidance harder than ever before. I can't merely experiment and not invest emotion into the results. If the results are negative, I WILL suffer from it, I can't be coldhearted or indifferent.

The blackpill is painful sure, but it is also the only way you will be able to save your sanity. If you continue on this path you're on you will end up in the loony bin, or worse.

 

[St3v3Cel]

I guess I should also say that it will involve simply being real with people. Spoiler alert before you do it: you will be casting pearls before people who turn out to be swines almost every time, but it is also a necessary part of the process. Pick your battles with it though, again, only do it when you think you will be able to learn something useful. @D. B. Gooner

Another thing: think carefully about people's motivations at all times, and try to put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine the entirety of what their life could have been. To put this conversation into context, am I replying to you out of the goodness of my heart? I will give you the answer right away: no, I am what a normal person would call a creep or even a pervert. When I reply here, or to anyone it is merely about fulfilling my curiosity, chasing exactly the kind of knowledge which I have described to you thus far.

If this were a conversation with a therapist, for example, think about what their motivations could be. Do they have a genuine desire to help you, as in they enjoy helping people? Or do they have another motivation, like perpetuating the ideas of a psychologist they look up to, for example. Or even something as simple as simply doing the job they somehow fell into, in order to earn their living. Think about those kinds of things.

You have mentioned esotericism before. You could make a thought exercise out trying to imagine how a cult leader, or perhaps someone like an Indian Guru would have responded to your thread and what their motivations could have been. But if you truly believe that nothing can be understood about yourself or others, then so be it, and I rest my case.

@D. B. Gooner

 

[captchawaffen]

psychosis is aryan and a truecel trait

 

[D. B. Gooner]

If you continue on this path you're on you will end up in the loony bin, or worse.

Why do you think that. What exactly am I doing that will lead to insanity.

 

[St3v3Cel]

Why do you think that. What exactly am I doing that will lead to insanity.

It's a bit difficult to put into words, I believe that I have already tried to describe it to you in this thread. To make it easy for you, I'd say check out the 4 hours and 47 minutes long director's cut of the 1991 movie "Until the End of the World". If you are a real one you will understand what I mean. Don't get fooled by the first half of the movie, it goes to places you wouldn't believe in the second half, and it is quite blackpilled as well. Even if you end up hating it, it still be a unique watch so it's worth it for that reason.

Another thing: think carefully about people's motivations at all times, and try to put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine the entirety of what their life could have been. To put this conversation into context, am I replying to you out of the goodness of my heart? I will give you the answer right away: no, I am what a normal person would call a creep or even a pervert. When I reply here, or to anyone it is merely about fulfilling my curiosity, chasing exactly the kind of knowledge which I have described to you thus far.

If this were a conversation with a therapist, for example, think about what their motivations could be. Do they have a genuine desire to help you, as in they enjoy helping people? Or do they have another motivation, like perpetuating the ideas of a psychologist they look up to, for example. Or even something as simple as simply doing the job they somehow fell into, in order to earn their living. Think about those kinds of things.

You have mentioned esotericism before. You could make a thought exercise out trying to imagine how a cult leader, or perhaps someone like and Indian Guru would have responded to your thread and what their motivations could have been. But if you truly believe that nothing can be understood about yourself or others, then so be it, and I rest my case.

@D. B. Gooner

I want to stress how important this is, because actually being curious about other people is the only thing which will ever set you apart from the countless goyim who inhabit this earth. Almost nobody does this. And every now and then you ought to practice coming up with 5 different replies to a person in your head, try to imagine how each of those would go, and then choose the one you believe to be the best. This goes for conversations both in real life and online. You might already be doing this, just thought I'd throw it out there because I think it is a good practice. To each their own though of course, we all have our own circumstances and opinions in life.