An anecdote from the book "Understanding Social Anxiety: A Recovery Guide for Sufferers, Family, and Friends".
An issue not necessarily focused on in discussions of social anxiety is that of gender, and this discussion will focus not on whether one sex is more vulnerable to the development of social anxiety than the other but on whether gender might function in some cases as a developmental factor of social anxiety as well as a comforting self-help element.
Clarence, a man in his mid-thirties, entered therapy with a sex therapist for his desire to cross-dress, which was a point of contention in his marriage. His wife did not like it when Clarence tried to dress in a frilly nightgown during their sexual activities. She wanted a man in her bed, not another woman.
At the beginning of the therapy process, for clarification, Clarence was asked if he had any plans or desire for sex reassignment. Clarence denied any such plans and explained that he engaged in cross-dressing mainly to reach a state of peaceful relaxation. The sex therapist was somewhat surprised by Clarence’s response and asked him to elaborate on his statement. According to his report, Clarence liked to dress in women’s clothing because he felt less stressed out when wearing feminine garments.
What about the female garments gave him those feelings? inquired the therapist. Was it the dress, stockings, undergarments, or perhaps some jewelry? The therapist could not imagine that wearing women’s high-heeled shoes would contribute to relaxed feelings in anyone—men or women. Clarence hesitated before answering, “It is more the idea of being a woman and having fewer responsibilities to face on a daily basis than a man.”
Although Clarence’s wife, the mother of their two children, was employed on a full-time basis, the therapist did not raise the question of who carried the larger burden of responsibilities because the important issue at the moment was to explore Clarence’s perception of what exactly brought him the sense of lowered stress when wearing women’s clothes, or what contributed to his distress when dressed in his regular male clothing.
Clarence started to work in a large computer factory where he was able to attain a supervisory position after some time. When asked what he found most stressful during his young adulthood, Clarence responded that his early dating history was marked by anxiety because he was worried about how to ask a girl for a date and what to do with her once she agreed to go out with him. He remembered thinking how easy it was for girls; all they had to do was be there. In addition, he admitted that work situations had always been and still were stressful because most of his male colleagues were competitive and tried to advance in their careers as fast as they could. That, in his opinion, was the reason for his slower promotions.
Although Clarence did not think he was less knowledgeable than his more rapidly advancing colleagues, he thoroughly disliked the competitive atmosphere. This discomfort spread into his relationships with his friends because many of them were focused on getting ahead, and their discussions often focused on how to reach their lofty goals. Clarence felt like an outsider and thought that his friends disapproved of him and his more laid-back temperament. He envied his wife’s relationships with her friends; their interactions seemed to be much more relaxing and enjoyable. However, when Clarence and his wife, Christina, met with Christina’s friends and their husbands, Clarence felt anxious and tried to stay out of conversations with them. Clarence added that in general he felt uncomfortable with other males.
Perhaps that type of gender comparison led to the fascination with female clothing. During his first few attempts at cross-dressing, Clarence felt excited but also somewhat apprehensive about how to move when wearing unfamiliar garments, but then he was able to relax. It felt like a weight had lifted off his shoulders. The garments seemed to give him permission not to do anything, to just remain in a positive and peaceful mood.
The pleasant mental-emotional mood rewarded his subsequent cross-dressing activities. Soon he used this activity to cope with the stresses and anxiety at the end of a difficult day. He even found the additional time needed for cosmetic modifications of his body, such as shaving his legs and other body parts, a peace-inducing endeavor as he focused intensely on those activities, which were brought to the finish by applying makeup to his face.
Since they were parents, Christina insisted that Clarence refrain from his cross-dressing activities while their children were at home. It would be a most traumatic experience for children to see their father in female clothing. That demand did not leave him much time to indulge in his relaxing activities unless he rented a hotel room somewhere, which at times he reluctantly resorted to.
One year Clarence persuaded Christina to go on a short vacation with him, leaving their children with Christina’s parents. Clarence’s reason for the vacation was that he wanted to attempt to pass in public as a woman, which seemed easier to do in an environment where neither Clarence nor Christina were known. As soon as they were sequestered in their hotel room, Clarence, with Christina’s help, changed into his female clothing. His legs had been shaven at home before they left, but his face needed some additional work. Finally, they were ready to go down to the street to take a walk together like two female friends. They even managed to enter a bookstore together, looking around and purchasing a book before leaving the store.
Back in their hotel room, Clarence felt that he had won a victory. Although this adventure had not been without anxiety for him, the fact that he had been able to pass as a woman meant that he could change the distressing parts of his life. Clarence set his goal for the next day as having dinner in a restaurant as a woman, again enlisting Christina’s help. That was the last time Christina helped him with his disguise; she insisted on returning home the day after.
After a few weeks, Christina gave Clarence an ultimatum: either he would work seriously in his therapy on resolving his cross-dressing desires, or she would file for divorce. She would allow Clarence about one year to resolve his issues and become a “normal man” again.
Clarence was furious; he insisted he was still the same person; he just wanted to use female clothing to help him recover from the daily stress of a man’s life. He had no intentions of turning into a woman looking for a male partner, he said.
Christina became disenchanted with Clarence and their marriage. When Clarence did not agree to her conditions, she filed for divorce. A former colleague and friend, Linda, came to Clarence’s rescue, and they started an affair. For a while, Linda accepted Clarence in his female clothes, but then she too had trouble being passionate in lovemaking with someone who insisted on looking like another female. Clarence was desperate. Why wouldn’t anyone allow him to do what he thought he needed in order to relax and recover from the daily stresses of living and competing in a man’s world with all its responsibilities?
In his therapy sessions, Clarence refused to consider ways to cope with stress and discomfort in interactions with his male coworkers. He firmly believed that he had discovered the perfect way of dealing with his anxiety. Finally, he approached his therapist with the notion of sex-reassignment surgery. The sex therapist reminded Clarence that at the beginning of their work together, Clarence had denied any such desire. If, however, he had changed his mind about that issue, he would have to live totally as a woman for two years before any surgery could be contemplated. Those were the regulations regarding the issue at that time. Clarence was furious about what he called a waste of time, having to wait two years for what he wanted now. He refused to consider the seriousness and consequences of such surgery and left the therapist’s office never to return.
A few weeks later, a social worker contacted the sex therapist, asking for a signature on a petition to proceed with Clarence’s sex-reassignment surgery. The sex therapist refused the request and never heard about Clarence and his future life. Was this a case in which cross-dressing had been a self-help remedy to reduce the anxiety of being a man among other men, or did Clarence aspire to become a woman to escape what he saw as men’s responsibilities in life? By undergoing sex-reassignment surgery, did he want to be able to claim his rights to live as a woman? Apparently, he did not desire a sexual relationship with another man; more likely, Clarence might have felt comfortable as a woman in a sexual relationship with other women, but the premature termination of the therapy process does not provide a clear answer to this question.
An issue not necessarily focused on in discussions of social anxiety is that of gender, and this discussion will focus not on whether one sex is more vulnerable to the development of social anxiety than the other but on whether gender might function in some cases as a developmental factor of social anxiety as well as a comforting self-help element.
Clarence, a man in his mid-thirties, entered therapy with a sex therapist for his desire to cross-dress, which was a point of contention in his marriage. His wife did not like it when Clarence tried to dress in a frilly nightgown during their sexual activities. She wanted a man in her bed, not another woman.
At the beginning of the therapy process, for clarification, Clarence was asked if he had any plans or desire for sex reassignment. Clarence denied any such plans and explained that he engaged in cross-dressing mainly to reach a state of peaceful relaxation. The sex therapist was somewhat surprised by Clarence’s response and asked him to elaborate on his statement. According to his report, Clarence liked to dress in women’s clothing because he felt less stressed out when wearing feminine garments.
What about the female garments gave him those feelings? inquired the therapist. Was it the dress, stockings, undergarments, or perhaps some jewelry? The therapist could not imagine that wearing women’s high-heeled shoes would contribute to relaxed feelings in anyone—men or women. Clarence hesitated before answering, “It is more the idea of being a woman and having fewer responsibilities to face on a daily basis than a man.”
Although Clarence’s wife, the mother of their two children, was employed on a full-time basis, the therapist did not raise the question of who carried the larger burden of responsibilities because the important issue at the moment was to explore Clarence’s perception of what exactly brought him the sense of lowered stress when wearing women’s clothes, or what contributed to his distress when dressed in his regular male clothing.
Clarence started to work in a large computer factory where he was able to attain a supervisory position after some time. When asked what he found most stressful during his young adulthood, Clarence responded that his early dating history was marked by anxiety because he was worried about how to ask a girl for a date and what to do with her once she agreed to go out with him. He remembered thinking how easy it was for girls; all they had to do was be there. In addition, he admitted that work situations had always been and still were stressful because most of his male colleagues were competitive and tried to advance in their careers as fast as they could. That, in his opinion, was the reason for his slower promotions.
Although Clarence did not think he was less knowledgeable than his more rapidly advancing colleagues, he thoroughly disliked the competitive atmosphere. This discomfort spread into his relationships with his friends because many of them were focused on getting ahead, and their discussions often focused on how to reach their lofty goals. Clarence felt like an outsider and thought that his friends disapproved of him and his more laid-back temperament. He envied his wife’s relationships with her friends; their interactions seemed to be much more relaxing and enjoyable. However, when Clarence and his wife, Christina, met with Christina’s friends and their husbands, Clarence felt anxious and tried to stay out of conversations with them. Clarence added that in general he felt uncomfortable with other males.
Perhaps that type of gender comparison led to the fascination with female clothing. During his first few attempts at cross-dressing, Clarence felt excited but also somewhat apprehensive about how to move when wearing unfamiliar garments, but then he was able to relax. It felt like a weight had lifted off his shoulders. The garments seemed to give him permission not to do anything, to just remain in a positive and peaceful mood.
The pleasant mental-emotional mood rewarded his subsequent cross-dressing activities. Soon he used this activity to cope with the stresses and anxiety at the end of a difficult day. He even found the additional time needed for cosmetic modifications of his body, such as shaving his legs and other body parts, a peace-inducing endeavor as he focused intensely on those activities, which were brought to the finish by applying makeup to his face.
Since they were parents, Christina insisted that Clarence refrain from his cross-dressing activities while their children were at home. It would be a most traumatic experience for children to see their father in female clothing. That demand did not leave him much time to indulge in his relaxing activities unless he rented a hotel room somewhere, which at times he reluctantly resorted to.
One year Clarence persuaded Christina to go on a short vacation with him, leaving their children with Christina’s parents. Clarence’s reason for the vacation was that he wanted to attempt to pass in public as a woman, which seemed easier to do in an environment where neither Clarence nor Christina were known. As soon as they were sequestered in their hotel room, Clarence, with Christina’s help, changed into his female clothing. His legs had been shaven at home before they left, but his face needed some additional work. Finally, they were ready to go down to the street to take a walk together like two female friends. They even managed to enter a bookstore together, looking around and purchasing a book before leaving the store.
Back in their hotel room, Clarence felt that he had won a victory. Although this adventure had not been without anxiety for him, the fact that he had been able to pass as a woman meant that he could change the distressing parts of his life. Clarence set his goal for the next day as having dinner in a restaurant as a woman, again enlisting Christina’s help. That was the last time Christina helped him with his disguise; she insisted on returning home the day after.
After a few weeks, Christina gave Clarence an ultimatum: either he would work seriously in his therapy on resolving his cross-dressing desires, or she would file for divorce. She would allow Clarence about one year to resolve his issues and become a “normal man” again.
Clarence was furious; he insisted he was still the same person; he just wanted to use female clothing to help him recover from the daily stress of a man’s life. He had no intentions of turning into a woman looking for a male partner, he said.
Christina became disenchanted with Clarence and their marriage. When Clarence did not agree to her conditions, she filed for divorce. A former colleague and friend, Linda, came to Clarence’s rescue, and they started an affair. For a while, Linda accepted Clarence in his female clothes, but then she too had trouble being passionate in lovemaking with someone who insisted on looking like another female. Clarence was desperate. Why wouldn’t anyone allow him to do what he thought he needed in order to relax and recover from the daily stresses of living and competing in a man’s world with all its responsibilities?
In his therapy sessions, Clarence refused to consider ways to cope with stress and discomfort in interactions with his male coworkers. He firmly believed that he had discovered the perfect way of dealing with his anxiety. Finally, he approached his therapist with the notion of sex-reassignment surgery. The sex therapist reminded Clarence that at the beginning of their work together, Clarence had denied any such desire. If, however, he had changed his mind about that issue, he would have to live totally as a woman for two years before any surgery could be contemplated. Those were the regulations regarding the issue at that time. Clarence was furious about what he called a waste of time, having to wait two years for what he wanted now. He refused to consider the seriousness and consequences of such surgery and left the therapist’s office never to return.
A few weeks later, a social worker contacted the sex therapist, asking for a signature on a petition to proceed with Clarence’s sex-reassignment surgery. The sex therapist refused the request and never heard about Clarence and his future life. Was this a case in which cross-dressing had been a self-help remedy to reduce the anxiety of being a man among other men, or did Clarence aspire to become a woman to escape what he saw as men’s responsibilities in life? By undergoing sex-reassignment surgery, did he want to be able to claim his rights to live as a woman? Apparently, he did not desire a sexual relationship with another man; more likely, Clarence might have felt comfortable as a woman in a sexual relationship with other women, but the premature termination of the therapy process does not provide a clear answer to this question.
