L
Lebensmüder
Soon to be deleted account
★★★
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2018
- Posts
- 5,202
I fucking hate women still due to the entire shit in high school. I always thought I was doing nicely until I heard what some of these women were saying behind my back (he is mentally/physically abominable, he is ugly/has pimples, I hope I get transferred to a different class, etc.) - each day that passes I don't move away from that but think more and more about it.
In my first years in uni I genuinely tried to help others with their homework/etc. in the hope that I at least get friends only to find out that most of the men/women made fun about me behind my back. High school never truly ends, the macroscopical aggression (e.g. hitting you, open insults, open laughter) just gets better hidden and becomes microscopical. I also stopped to approach women roughly two years ago now, because I didn't want to risk losing my education or hurting my future perspectives (basically applied Pence Law), I thought I could go through university without a GF and just start dating later to get to a good point in life to start with (how wrong I was in the overestimation of my emotional/mental perseverance capacities, I am about to graduate and as angry/demotivated/etc. as I can be).
Funny how my mental gymnastics worked: "I have never dated in high school - so now I will date in university, at least I have good grades." This coping worked for the first few years of university where I indeed again excelled, but the motivation/joy about grades is bullshit anyways, because a) presentability/"real-world experience" (which means having been outside of my country, speaking other languages, being in a multitude of jobs, having many extracurricular activities, having a social network, etc.) matter more than grades (so normalfags not only mog me in private, but also in professional success) and b) what is the joy of getting a good grade compared to the joy of being intimate with a woman that loves you, he goes home to a woman that loves him and everything else is forgotten (while I only have people that demand utopian stuff from me at home and that even become angry when I get a B in a STEM subject). And then the realization that in university these whores are not only even more lookist, but also classist/ableist to an even higher degree (high school would be easier for getting a GF - because the standards only get up with attractiveness and most men -regardless of age- like girls in their 20s). Furthermore, nobody takes me serious anyways (without going out of my way to deliberately try to prove them wrong), I can explain stuff to people and they do the opposite (and then wonder why shit then goes south).
Nobody ever wanted to talk with me and I was not anywhere accepted except with the usage of inclusion bullshit (everywhere, not even elementary schools wanted to take me in as a child due to Autism/etc.) - I am tired of it all. It's getting harder and harder to focus. I only have these intrusive thoughts about it and constantly think about these things (e.g. being seen as undesirable by women, having nobody I can truly talk to about everything in life, etc.) whenever I have to work. There is no efficiency anymore within my work and things I considered as easy years ago now seem like insourmountable obstacles. I wish I had at least a good friend I could talk to, but this is how it is: People say always "Talk to me about everything" until you do and then when it isn't all faggy rainbow coloured they drop you as fast as a hot potato. Nowadays I also have many other problems apart from looks/Autism: I am genuinely not a good person in the slighest meaning of the word anymore and I also cannot interact with people anymore in a significant way, when somebody wants something from me I treat it as an annoying obligation, something you just have to do because it is the only thing that is really explicitely or implicitely allowed in that situation, they simply bother me (and this is although I started out as a friendly/extroverted child). I genuinely neither understand nor like people. The entire day I only talk to myself (also loudly).
In my first years in uni I genuinely tried to help others with their homework/etc. in the hope that I at least get friends only to find out that most of the men/women made fun about me behind my back. High school never truly ends, the macroscopical aggression (e.g. hitting you, open insults, open laughter) just gets better hidden and becomes microscopical. I also stopped to approach women roughly two years ago now, because I didn't want to risk losing my education or hurting my future perspectives (basically applied Pence Law), I thought I could go through university without a GF and just start dating later to get to a good point in life to start with (how wrong I was in the overestimation of my emotional/mental perseverance capacities, I am about to graduate and as angry/demotivated/etc. as I can be).
Funny how my mental gymnastics worked: "I have never dated in high school - so now I will date in university, at least I have good grades." This coping worked for the first few years of university where I indeed again excelled, but the motivation/joy about grades is bullshit anyways, because a) presentability/"real-world experience" (which means having been outside of my country, speaking other languages, being in a multitude of jobs, having many extracurricular activities, having a social network, etc.) matter more than grades (so normalfags not only mog me in private, but also in professional success) and b) what is the joy of getting a good grade compared to the joy of being intimate with a woman that loves you, he goes home to a woman that loves him and everything else is forgotten (while I only have people that demand utopian stuff from me at home and that even become angry when I get a B in a STEM subject). And then the realization that in university these whores are not only even more lookist, but also classist/ableist to an even higher degree (high school would be easier for getting a GF - because the standards only get up with attractiveness and most men -regardless of age- like girls in their 20s). Furthermore, nobody takes me serious anyways (without going out of my way to deliberately try to prove them wrong), I can explain stuff to people and they do the opposite (and then wonder why shit then goes south).
Nobody ever wanted to talk with me and I was not anywhere accepted except with the usage of inclusion bullshit (everywhere, not even elementary schools wanted to take me in as a child due to Autism/etc.) - I am tired of it all. It's getting harder and harder to focus. I only have these intrusive thoughts about it and constantly think about these things (e.g. being seen as undesirable by women, having nobody I can truly talk to about everything in life, etc.) whenever I have to work. There is no efficiency anymore within my work and things I considered as easy years ago now seem like insourmountable obstacles. I wish I had at least a good friend I could talk to, but this is how it is: People say always "Talk to me about everything" until you do and then when it isn't all faggy rainbow coloured they drop you as fast as a hot potato. Nowadays I also have many other problems apart from looks/Autism: I am genuinely not a good person in the slighest meaning of the word anymore and I also cannot interact with people anymore in a significant way, when somebody wants something from me I treat it as an annoying obligation, something you just have to do because it is the only thing that is really explicitely or implicitely allowed in that situation, they simply bother me (and this is although I started out as a friendly/extroverted child). I genuinely neither understand nor like people. The entire day I only talk to myself (also loudly).