it’s water yet fully digesting that I’m likely never have the love I’m looking for is genuinely brutal.
Genuinely imagining your current routine not just spread over months, but years. Decades.
You’ll likely be similar currently in your 40s, likely dried up any joy in copes you could’ve mustered in your 30s yet you still continue them out of routine and addiction, incredibly suicidal. Drugs stopped helping, people stopped caring, society forgets you entirely. You are hardly welcomed anywhere, even online niche spaces.
A grumpy old man in your 60s-70s still having to work because of how shitty pension and the economy is, having to ignore as time went by with absolutely nothing changing in your life. Nothing. Genuinely process that, your life will stagnant for your entire miserable existence; you’ll be the old guys you see on youtube that are so old they deeply understand there is nothing left they can salvage, time had ticked and their days of slim hope is utterly crushed.
Ending up as a hollow husk where the only thought you can have is just regret, consistent and constant regret on how your life has ended up. There is no peaceful moment, not even a slight rise of dopamine, your old body can’t even handle that; you are in a perpetual agonising state of total despair. Total. Each moment you think is just another second spent groaning and scratching in anguish as you agonise over crippling loneliness, the fleeting nature of time and reality.
On your deathbed, you’ll still be imagine what it would’ve been like to cuddle against the warmth of someone else; to talk with someone you genuinely love for hours on end on meaningless topics; to come home after a hard night to someone welcoming you in open arms; for you to share hobbies and interests in, as well as develop new ones through eachother; to feel as though the world only exists for the two of you… Your old bones rattle at the thought of a loving home, and a warm smile.
And you let out your last breath accompanied with tears as you realise how much of life you truly can never get back.
Only stuck with deep regret, an unwillingness to die and millions of memories that never came to fruition.
Genuinely over.
Genuinely imagining your current routine not just spread over months, but years. Decades.
You’ll likely be similar currently in your 40s, likely dried up any joy in copes you could’ve mustered in your 30s yet you still continue them out of routine and addiction, incredibly suicidal. Drugs stopped helping, people stopped caring, society forgets you entirely. You are hardly welcomed anywhere, even online niche spaces.
A grumpy old man in your 60s-70s still having to work because of how shitty pension and the economy is, having to ignore as time went by with absolutely nothing changing in your life. Nothing. Genuinely process that, your life will stagnant for your entire miserable existence; you’ll be the old guys you see on youtube that are so old they deeply understand there is nothing left they can salvage, time had ticked and their days of slim hope is utterly crushed.
Ending up as a hollow husk where the only thought you can have is just regret, consistent and constant regret on how your life has ended up. There is no peaceful moment, not even a slight rise of dopamine, your old body can’t even handle that; you are in a perpetual agonising state of total despair. Total. Each moment you think is just another second spent groaning and scratching in anguish as you agonise over crippling loneliness, the fleeting nature of time and reality.
On your deathbed, you’ll still be imagine what it would’ve been like to cuddle against the warmth of someone else; to talk with someone you genuinely love for hours on end on meaningless topics; to come home after a hard night to someone welcoming you in open arms; for you to share hobbies and interests in, as well as develop new ones through eachother; to feel as though the world only exists for the two of you… Your old bones rattle at the thought of a loving home, and a warm smile.
And you let out your last breath accompanied with tears as you realise how much of life you truly can never get back.
Only stuck with deep regret, an unwillingness to die and millions of memories that never came to fruition.
Genuinely over.
