Deleted member 8353
Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
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- Joined
- May 29, 2018
- Posts
- 9,332
Every time I check the date I find myself momentarily wondering why I'm not a teenager, it's as if I had some sort of mental break around 15 and my body ages but the rest of me never gets the message.
It was about that age, 15, that I willfully tried to distance myself from my past. I remember desperately attempting to convince myself that I was a different person that whoever it was that inhabited this body before that, in retrospect it was just a way for me to cope with past bullying and rejection (of course it didn't do me much good since everybody else still treated me the same). But then from 16-19 , I would feel "nostalgic" about the age when I "recreated" myself, as I fully bought my own bullshit at the time. In reality it was in my mid teens when I began my decade long period of (mostly forced) isolation which just seems to get progressively worse and more inescapable, yet I invented the idea that I had a very happy year in the past, and maybe by comparison I did, but it was still mostly bullshit.
However, whatever it was that happened to my mind at that age seems to have permanently fucked me up, and it's made disassociate constantly to the point where very little feels real anymore. I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up, but I never do, feels like I'm slowly going insane. In fact the experiences that I construct within my own head feel more "real" and genuine than anything experienced within the 3D, irl world.
It was about that age, 15, that I willfully tried to distance myself from my past. I remember desperately attempting to convince myself that I was a different person that whoever it was that inhabited this body before that, in retrospect it was just a way for me to cope with past bullying and rejection (of course it didn't do me much good since everybody else still treated me the same). But then from 16-19 , I would feel "nostalgic" about the age when I "recreated" myself, as I fully bought my own bullshit at the time. In reality it was in my mid teens when I began my decade long period of (mostly forced) isolation which just seems to get progressively worse and more inescapable, yet I invented the idea that I had a very happy year in the past, and maybe by comparison I did, but it was still mostly bullshit.
However, whatever it was that happened to my mind at that age seems to have permanently fucked me up, and it's made disassociate constantly to the point where very little feels real anymore. I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up, but I never do, feels like I'm slowly going insane. In fact the experiences that I construct within my own head feel more "real" and genuine than anything experienced within the 3D, irl world.