So last month I met a really hot man at my regular club, he’s bi, very much my type, we have similar interests and the same humour, im never bored talking to him, the sex is amazing and he’s just so lovely. But he wants to stay single and just be friends with benefits cause he was hurt by an ex and he doesn’t want to date anyone. He got drunk recently and said that he loved me, he came over, we cuddled, then the next day he said that he didn’t want anything long term and he was just drunk when he said that. How am I supposed to not be upset?? He wants to carry on seeing me as a friend and he wants to have sex with me but he doesn’t want a relationship. And im not chasing him or anything, he literally messages me every day. I dont know what to do. This is the third time I’ve been in a situation like this and I’ve just had enough. The first guy was “straight” and wanted to fuck me but not date me, and the second one is moving away.
I dont see myself being interested in anybody else, I just want him. Ive looked at the apps and no one really interests me. Im not really into any of my close friends sexually or romantically. I dont think there’s anyone for me at this point. Im young, im turning 21 next month and yall are gonna tell me not to worry but i think about my future and i dont see anybody there. Im scared im gonna become bitter and lose my looks and i wont be attractive to anyone in a few years. I dont wanna hear “just go to the gym bro” or anything like that. Ive been told im attractive by a lot of people, and getting hookups is easy for me but i dont really want mindless hookups anymore, i want something real with a guy im genuinely interested in and sexually attracted to. I wish i was just a cis girl or a cis man then id have more options. I hate how small my dating pool is, and im also picky which doesn’t help. People only seem to want me for sex, and when someone’s actually romantically interested in me, it’s either a close friend that I don’t feel the same way for, or a weird guy im not into from a dating app. I dont like dating apps, I feel like the person im talking to isn’t real and I rarely find interesting people on them, it feels like all guys are the same at times.
The only way im gonna get over this, is if i find someone better. But I dont know if i will this time. The last 2 times i thought I wouldn’t find someone better and then i did, but they disappointed me as well. It’s been 3 now and i have a bad feeling that there wont be a 4th crush. I dont know how to meet potential boyfriends either. Bars and apps only get me hookups and fwbs, and my uni class last year was just straight men, i dont know if many new people are joining this year because it’s a small place. And what are the chances that I’ll find a hot and interesting bi/gay/pan guy who’s into me?? Pretty low. I feel like most guys aren’t interested in trans men. Being trans makes this shit sooo fucking hard. I’ve thought about detransitioning but not genuinely, just quick thoughts that fly through my head. Being cis would make dating so much easier tho. I dont even know what I want to hear, I know I should work on myself and im doing that, I go to therapy every week and I have a job, I have hobbies that im usually too depressed to do but I still have them. People have mentioned going to new groups and clubs but I can’t imagine dating people at those places, I’ve only ever made friends at places like that. Where else am I supposed to meet a man? The supermarket?
Maybe im just being too negative and doomery but I dont see any hope anymore. I really want a boyfriend and I have done for years. I dont want to give up but what if I have to?? What if I turn 60 and im still alone? What if I die single? What if I eventually find someone but they cheat on me or they hurt me in some other way? What then??? The uncertainty is killing me. I’ve been making myself sick over this guy, I’ve been self harming and doomscrolling and constantly thinking about him. What more can I do? I already skip meals to make sure i stay thin and attractive, I put myself out there, I wash and make sure to look good but clearly im not good enough. I know these last 3 guys have their own reasons to not be with me, but I don’t get why ive not met the right one yet. Im so tired and scared. So exhausted. Im tired of trying to be the best I can be every day and still not liking myself. I have so much love to give. I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life. I don’t want to accept being alone. I don’t want to only have hookups and fwbs until the day I die. But I might have to accept it, im autistic and trans which is a turn off to many and it doesn’t help that im mentally ill as fuck. I just wanna meet a guy who gives me butterflies who will love me
