I'm kinda using this as a journal, it's a boring vent session.
I was kind of a golden boy as a child. And that is because I really was a perfect child. Harmless, a good little doormat. I would never break any rules, I was the biggest square. I was too scared of ever being yelled at by my mother so I never stepped out of line, in fact I never DID anything. Go to school, go straight home. When kids at my school started drinking and smoking, it scared me deeply, I thought they had grown evil.
One time at my cousins 14th birthday celebration, him and his friends got a pack of cigarettes and started smoking. It shocked me, and I wanted them to stop. One of my cousins more responsible friends felt bad and escorted me home. I was a complete coward, no wonder I became such a loser.
I never did anything wrong, and yet it didn't matter. My cousin sucked at school, smoked, drank, caused trouble. I was at home watching youtube, sometimes I would go outside where I would play hide and seek and other bullshit with the friends that I used to have back then. At every family function, people would praise me, tell me how well I was doing. Then my grandma would insert herself into the conversation and let everyone know that my cousin was doing just as well, even if it was a lie. It was all about appearances. I was a bland slave, my cousin was a troublemaker, and yet we would both get an equal amount of praise, because lord forbid we hurt his feelings.
And how did me and my cousin turn out? I don't have a single friend as an adult, I can't hold up a conversation, I've never had a girlfriend, but hey at least I'm doing well at uni. My cousin has seemingly an infinite amount of friends, a girlfriend, and yet he quits every job after 3 weeks of working, then NEETs for 4 months straight, rinse and repeat. And I'm happy for him. I'm glad he wasn't a slave like me. My "success" means nothing, I would trade my life path with his any day of the week.
So any time I would get that good boy praise, I would blush, I would say things like "Nahhh it's not that impressive". I thought it was because I was humble, the narcissist that I am. But only now I realize I rejected the praise because deep down inside I must've known how bullshit it was. They were praising a fake child, a scared child. They weren't praising me for the good that I've done, they were praising me for the bad that I haven't done. Of course I wouldn't do anything bad, I wouldn't do anything at all. They all told me that doing bad things would lead me down the wrong path, and yet here I am today, on the loneliest path in the world.
I was kind of a golden boy as a child. And that is because I really was a perfect child. Harmless, a good little doormat. I would never break any rules, I was the biggest square. I was too scared of ever being yelled at by my mother so I never stepped out of line, in fact I never DID anything. Go to school, go straight home. When kids at my school started drinking and smoking, it scared me deeply, I thought they had grown evil.
One time at my cousins 14th birthday celebration, him and his friends got a pack of cigarettes and started smoking. It shocked me, and I wanted them to stop. One of my cousins more responsible friends felt bad and escorted me home. I was a complete coward, no wonder I became such a loser.
I never did anything wrong, and yet it didn't matter. My cousin sucked at school, smoked, drank, caused trouble. I was at home watching youtube, sometimes I would go outside where I would play hide and seek and other bullshit with the friends that I used to have back then. At every family function, people would praise me, tell me how well I was doing. Then my grandma would insert herself into the conversation and let everyone know that my cousin was doing just as well, even if it was a lie. It was all about appearances. I was a bland slave, my cousin was a troublemaker, and yet we would both get an equal amount of praise, because lord forbid we hurt his feelings.
And how did me and my cousin turn out? I don't have a single friend as an adult, I can't hold up a conversation, I've never had a girlfriend, but hey at least I'm doing well at uni. My cousin has seemingly an infinite amount of friends, a girlfriend, and yet he quits every job after 3 weeks of working, then NEETs for 4 months straight, rinse and repeat. And I'm happy for him. I'm glad he wasn't a slave like me. My "success" means nothing, I would trade my life path with his any day of the week.
So any time I would get that good boy praise, I would blush, I would say things like "Nahhh it's not that impressive". I thought it was because I was humble, the narcissist that I am. But only now I realize I rejected the praise because deep down inside I must've known how bullshit it was. They were praising a fake child, a scared child. They weren't praising me for the good that I've done, they were praising me for the bad that I haven't done. Of course I wouldn't do anything bad, I wouldn't do anything at all. They all told me that doing bad things would lead me down the wrong path, and yet here I am today, on the loneliest path in the world.
