Last time I was close to normal in my early years of highschool. Then it just went downhill. Especially when I was bullied for my appearance and how awkward I acted.
Course… after being in a crisis unit, I regained a sense of normality when I had redeveloped some social skills thanks to other patients. Though I’m still awkward as hell. Which I’ve kinda ascended just a little bit, just enough to get by. But I still can’t connect with little more than a few and nothing more than acquaintances. The rest remain cold and hostile despite how I am. But these few people who have been kind to me are the barriers that are keeping me from hating the entire populace. And I dunno, maybe it’s the place I am. Maybe I don’t belong in this state/ country/ or the likes of. Maybe I’ll be happy elsewhere. If not, I’ll just travel over to the parallel which is better.
I also understand what you’re saying, and that’s pretty much what fuels my desire to hate people. Considering how they just take and never give back, just go back to their cliques while you’re chopped liver. And I’ve known quite a few who did that in the past.
I said that because everyone I thought was my friend betrayed me at the end. I realized I had no one to call a friend. The closest people I have, people I played games for years and have a deep bond with, don't understand me and think I am just fucking mad and have lost any sense I previously had.
People in the main discord server I am admin of went fucking nuts when someone pointed out who was in my profile picture, our Saint ER. Shit went down for days, they think I'm lost at this point and some of them just said "I want the old you back, what happened?" and they put some sad reactions. At that point, people had removed me from the friendslist, because they can't conceive the idea of being an outcast, unwanted, undesirable person.
I swear I tried my best with people, I swear, I was kind, mannered, well-spoken, always tried to help with anything they asked, and they really appreciated it, but I still felt like I was just... displaced.
Giving a try to dating only worsened my situation. Using social media just made me more depressed, but also gave me a gigantic window to meet new people, and let me tell you, I met a lot of cool people, mostly because of the underground musical taste, and most of the population in the genre is kinda well connected on social media, it is common to see people with 800+ common friends. A musical genre dedicated to talking about the most disgusting things humanity has to offer, including what I feel, hatred for women and their image, but in my case, it is not just music, it is real. In their case, it is just music and not their real character.
They would never understand me, because they have friends, a circle, a life, girlfriends, sex.
If I started to say the things I say here, I don't even know wtf would happen. I just fucking hate women at this point and potentially everyone that refuses to acknowledge our struggles and views.
The 2 closest people I have to me for example, they got cucked so much by friends, rejected by girls, impaired by shyness and them made idiots out of, and they still refuse to see the blackpill because they are such goddamn bluepilled fucking cucks.
I am tired of telling these 2 guys how much of fucking cucks they are for getting cucked every time by everyone and still insisting in this bluepill bullshit.
I lost count on how many times I called them straight up fucking retarded cucks and they still refuse to understand what is even going on, and they think I am fucking insane and retarded. One of them is in the autism spectrum.
I do have a soft spot for them, because they looked up to me and always listened to me no matter how absurd the things I was saying were, but they are dudes and not girls. Girls would never do that, they would see me as a lesser of a man because I get emotional, because they don't know what it is like to have a mind ridden with illness, confusion and lost to an endless rabbit hole and loophole I can't get out of.
I tried talking to many girls, I tried to be very nice, cordial, talk about fun subjects, but they would be very dry and never cooperate in the conversations, until one day they would just remove me and go on with their lives. They ended up being full blown whores later on who would talk about sex and shit 24h a day in every post. That was pure suicidefuel. I ended up hating them all. And then came the Tinder experiment, and it just showed me how fucking stupid girls are. Hours ago I saw some entitled whore who put the following thing in her bio. in all caps:
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME THINKING I'M GONNA TALK TO YOU, YOU HAVE TO SEND ME THE MESSAGES AND DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME THINKING I'M GONNA MESSAGE YOU FIRST
And then these fucking idiots go on to shit on men and talk about empowerment and how we are not entitled to anything while they act like that, holy fucking shit, fuck off. I got infinitely enraged. Fuck this shit. The ones I managed to talk to are useless, they don't even fucking try to keep any fucking conversation whatsoever and I try really hard to keep up. They unmatched out of nowhere, some would not even fucking reply to the first fucking message I sent even though it was them who matched. They are just fucking farming ego and validation. Fuck them very much. I try to be nice, talk in a fun way, not let the conversation die but they never fucking cooperate and want everything handled to them, but if it was a gigachad, they would be sending 10 fucking thousand messages a day begging for his cock.
I am hating this so fucking much and I am about to give up. It is a dead end and I don't recommend doing it, I am trying as an experiment because some idiot challenged me to just to prove a point, and I did it to prove MY point, which in the end is fucking true and when I finally give up, I will tell this fucking cuck how much of a fucking clown fucking faggot bluepilled cuck he is.