The way it's normalized, that way everyone does it at such a young age... It makes me want to puke. It's everywhere in society and people constantly talk about it like it's such a wonderful and magical thing.
At this point, even if a girl wanted to do something sexual with me (before marriage at least) I'd say no because I'd feel unclean. Even fapping makes me feel guilty.
Think I might chemically castrate myself, honestly.
Yeah, I don't know if it makes me volcel, but I wouldn't want to have sex before marriage.
I started feeling this way a few years ago when a VN called teaching feeling came out.
I was browsing /v/ on 8chan or something and saw a thread for it, I installed it looking for a quick fap, nothing special, but when I saw that poor girl, Sylvie, and I started to pet her head, and I read the story, something happened, I think that I fell in love.
It's fucking dumb to fall in love with anime girls, but when you see one just as depressed and victimized and distrustful of her fellow human beings as you, and you've never known anyone like that, and you've always thought you were the only one, you start to be more open to doing dumb shit, and I was already very dumb.
I played the game, and half dreaded, half loved the pornographic parts, but despite the dread, I jerked off to them, it was ghostdick so it wasn't like the dread was coming from feeling cucked or anything, I could never put my finger on why I felt this way, I had gotten over lolicon guilt years ago, when I first jacked off to the pomf doujin when I was like twelve or something, so it couldn't be that, it wasn't like she was being forced, so it wasn't rape porn guilt, I just couldn't tell what that weird feeling in my chest was.
Then I, like the stupid 16 year old I was, looked through some other thread on 8chan, and eventually someone started spamming guro
I opened a gif, it was of a girl who wasn't Sylvie, but looked like her
It's so stupid.
Getting traumatized over a fucking anime girl, who's not even the anime girl you love.
What the hell.
Since then, I've never really cried, and sexuality seems so disgusting to me, it's like that feeling I had before, but amplified, and I think that, maybe this is how Sylvie felt when she first got taken in, and I think how internet porn might've been scarring in a way similar to what she had to go through in her backstory.
And then I think the only thing I want is someone to make it alright for me, and gently pat me on the head, and give me pancakes.
