I have been depressive really for most of my life. As a child in America my life was hell. Every few summers I would go to Japan for summer break, and it was like heaven there for me. Lots of love from my Grandmother, Mother, and Aunts, and I was a little neighborhood terrorist (Mischief). But, I would have to return to the States, and my narcissist Dad, and pure social isolation, and being overprotected. I had high hopes socially, and for girls out of naivete when I was a young adult, but that got crushed, and has been the single largest source of emotional pain for me my grown life. The girls who don't exist in my life, not the normies who can watch their sportsball, and buy expensive ego trinkets without me.
I only break free when I enjoy simple things like the outdoors, or RC cars, or train watching. Also I read a lot, and have a pretty vibramt mental life. If I were not autistic, and capable of living in my head, having the peer independence to do wierd things like watch trains, and derive satisfaction from simple pleasures, and was NT, I don't know how I would cope with being a "Loser". I am grateful for ambition, and projects, because there is absolutely no room for me in the normal world of social, vapid, NPC, sportsball loving tribal sheep.
