TLDR - Incel mentally breaks down over how he will forever be loveless and lonely; how his life confirms blackpill and how pointless life seems.
I don't really care anymore about sex, haven't even thought about it in months.
I lost any hatred I have of people, society, women, anyone; they are all just acting on preordained natural order of the world, or on their own individual beliefs/preferences, can't hate them for that. People have their own thoughts and no self-respecting person would want to get close to me; I truly deserve no-one. I just been faking all that hatred to fit in more here, but I have no real opinion on it all.
I stopped caring about it all. I just feel alone; I have no friends, anytime I try to interact with people there is just an invisible wall I can't break past; when I manage to make an acquaintance, it never seems to go past that point at all.
I spend my days meaninglessly, I try my hardest to improve myself and change how I think for ultimately nothing; it's all just a useless struggle. The cabinet full of empty/half-empty skincare products, the workout equipment, the hair routines, perfumes, the constant practice, the failed approaches; I'm just a clown in a circus for society to watch and laugh at. Atleast now people aren't judgemental but it ultimately made me feel isolated because now I'm getting 0 human interaction instead of negative, and just further confirmed blackpill for me.
In secondary school, I was severely bullied for my looks. Thrown around, stripped, beaten, laughed at, ridiculed; the teachers didn't care even if it was in class since it was in a ghetto mostly black school, so the attacks were so vicious I tried to cross the bridge and failed. The most vivid memory was when a girl threw a tampon full of koolaid straight at my face, from the other side of the class. I remember the entire class uproars in laughter and cheers, not one person truly caring about what all this is doing to me mentally, not even the teacher spare a glance outside telling them to be quiet and passing me some fucking tissue; not even a warning. It drenched me completely but I just stared down the whole class without wiping it off and went home early, cried in my room for hours.
I was called weird, gross, creepy, all sorts of things despite minding my own business; doing nothing. People would avoid me, even on group projects, or make comments about my appearance randomly. People would block their adjacent seat if I were to try to sit next to them in public transport. People would joke with their friends about me being their type, accompanying with ewws and gross before bunch of laughter.
Although it isnt true now with all the effort I put in to look good, in the end I'm still invisible, and the memories just attached to my mind like leaches; I lost any and all respect for myself.
Atleast during secondary school, I didn't feel invisible as I was constantly bullied, I'm just truly alone. One of a few billion, yet ultimately feeling alone.
The funny thing is that I manage to find girls interested online after befriending, to the point one even wanted to even go out irl despite months of me not showing my face, but one image easily push everything back to distant online friends, no longer close, or even just stop talking altogether. Just one. Why, if not for my looks? If not for my genes?
I have no family, my dad left, my mother was an abusive homeless drug addict and my brothers seem to have moved past me.
I have my life planned out, or atleast I had. Doing Economics in University, wageslaving, taking volunteer work, got a future internship over next summer; but now it all seems pointless. I'm not happy, I can't be happy when there is no-one to be happy with. And there's no-one who'd want to be happy with me.
Even in the end, even if I leave this site like most say to do all that will happen will be this.
I feel so alone; I just want any love/affection. I want to interact with a real person who'll truly always be by my side, someone who genuinely will love me despite anything, I don't care about how they look as long as they are putting as much effort as I am. I want someone to hug, laugh, cuddle, argue and cry with; someone who I can come home to with a big smile, someone that I can enjoy being with. I want genuine connection but no matter how hard I try, it never works out, I been trying EVERYTHING and it never works out.
I changed so much yet I'm still so invisible.
r/ IncelTears, if it isn't blackpill, then what is it? Why have I been so alone since birth? Even a bit of change in my appearance vastly altered how people treat me, so why wouldn't my life be ultimately better if I was better looking?
What could help me, if you guys are oh so smart and have everything figured out; what will solve this when it's most likely an experience shared by most incels?
Loneliness over a short period of time might not seem much, but after years it can drive anyone to go insane.
