Today I had another huge over-hour-long argument with my mother, this time it started because… I looked a little sad in the store while we were shopping for groceries. I wish I was making that shit up 
Normally I don’t have problem getting various formal stuff done – visits to office/doctor etc. none of this makes me anxious. Not today.
Today it was like I was at doctors office as a teenager for the first time in my life on my own all over again. I was spilling spaghetti left and right, stuttering, forgetting words etc, I could feel myself being nervous.
Taking note of that, of course I was fucking anxious mess who couldn’t strike up basic conversation through middle school – I had arguments with my mother like this and worse EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY for several years, add general bullying into the mix and cortisol was through the roof non-stop.
All that yapping about confidence in conservative circles is such gaslight, it’s all simple really:
Nobody is giving you shit = you feel relaxed = you feel confident.
Your environment is hostile = you feel anxious = you don’t feel confident.
You can’t “force” yourself to be confident.
In the same vein – it’s the same with productivity, if everyone around you are giving you shit constantly, if you’re stressed non-stop then you won’t have will to be productive, you’ll just want to take a rest.
Yesterday I’ve written out solid list of xyz things I want to get done today, it’s 6 p.m and I haven’t done anything, I was just LDARing and mentally resting from today’s unexpected shitstorm.
Considering this:
Normally I don’t have problem getting various formal stuff done – visits to office/doctor etc. none of this makes me anxious. Not today.
Today it was like I was at doctors office as a teenager for the first time in my life on my own all over again. I was spilling spaghetti left and right, stuttering, forgetting words etc, I could feel myself being nervous.
Taking note of that, of course I was fucking anxious mess who couldn’t strike up basic conversation through middle school – I had arguments with my mother like this and worse EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY for several years, add general bullying into the mix and cortisol was through the roof non-stop.
All that yapping about confidence in conservative circles is such gaslight, it’s all simple really:
Nobody is giving you shit = you feel relaxed = you feel confident.
Your environment is hostile = you feel anxious = you don’t feel confident.
You can’t “force” yourself to be confident.
In the same vein – it’s the same with productivity, if everyone around you are giving you shit constantly, if you’re stressed non-stop then you won’t have will to be productive, you’ll just want to take a rest.
Yesterday I’ve written out solid list of xyz things I want to get done today, it’s 6 p.m and I haven’t done anything, I was just LDARing and mentally resting from today’s unexpected shitstorm.
Considering this:
It’s no fucking wonder I was LDARing and doing fuckall through entirety of middle school and several years after. Fuck that shit man.
