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New here so I guess this is some kind of introductory shit. Feels like I wanted to pour all this out for a while. As title says you guys might understand.
I haven't had physical contact with other human being (other than handshake) in 10 years, I'm 30 now.
At age 20 started getting massive cysts on my face and back of my head, spent years cutting them open myself. Been to surgery 3 times now to cut them open. When I say massive cysts I mean larger than fist growths on my face. Biggest one almost choked me. You can imagine how scarred my face is now. I died back then. I became something else, something that is not human.
Back then I actually had few girlfriends, I know the look and body language they give you when they are at least tiny bit interested. Now I just feel they eyes scanning my face when they have to talk to me. They try to look into my eyes but they keep scanning my face. Sometimes I wish I could get just a glimpse of they thoughts when they have to look at me.
Wish somebody would talk to me about it, finally spit it out and say that I'm just so fucking ugly so I can stop doubting everything else about me. Because I do, every single time. I always try to replay every tiny bit of conversation I had, did I say something wrong, rude, pushy, stupid, autistic. Because maybe, just maybe, It's not my looks. Maybe its something else I can change.
Nobody wants to tell me whats so fucking wrong with me that I don't even deserve a fucking hug.
I'm worst kind of smart, autistic type. So I cope by coding 16 hours a day. What a life.
I haven't had physical contact with other human being (other than handshake) in 10 years, I'm 30 now.
At age 20 started getting massive cysts on my face and back of my head, spent years cutting them open myself. Been to surgery 3 times now to cut them open. When I say massive cysts I mean larger than fist growths on my face. Biggest one almost choked me. You can imagine how scarred my face is now. I died back then. I became something else, something that is not human.
Back then I actually had few girlfriends, I know the look and body language they give you when they are at least tiny bit interested. Now I just feel they eyes scanning my face when they have to talk to me. They try to look into my eyes but they keep scanning my face. Sometimes I wish I could get just a glimpse of they thoughts when they have to look at me.
Wish somebody would talk to me about it, finally spit it out and say that I'm just so fucking ugly so I can stop doubting everything else about me. Because I do, every single time. I always try to replay every tiny bit of conversation I had, did I say something wrong, rude, pushy, stupid, autistic. Because maybe, just maybe, It's not my looks. Maybe its something else I can change.
Nobody wants to tell me whats so fucking wrong with me that I don't even deserve a fucking hug.
I'm worst kind of smart, autistic type. So I cope by coding 16 hours a day. What a life.
