Like the vast majority of men, I carry in me a certain impulse to favor women.
I want them to be save.
I want them to be comfortable.
I want them to feel good in my company.
I want them to like me.
…because I am attracted to them.
This makes sense, since there is an obvious biological reason for men to have such an impulse.
However, this impulse is by now entirely gone. As far as I can tell, there are two reasons for it:
A.) I just don’t get real positive feedback from women. They may laugh about my jokes and hang around with me while no one better is available. But that is all the positivity I get. Otherwise I get judged for things I have no control over. I get emotionally exploited for my skills and time. And every social interactions quickly turns into a test-situation of escalating difficulty. It just sucks.
B.) I got used to existing without them liking me. What little social validation I get is exclusively from men. My hobbies and interests are male focused anyway, so there is no need to deal with women. And my sexual desires are fulfilled by hentai because those 2D-girls are not real “evil” women and they are always there when I need them. (…I know it sounds weird…)
Now, whenever I see a women and even a modicum of attraction (on my part) rears its ugly head, it immediately gets drowned out by a wave of shame (for my flaws), guilt (for not being good enough), fear (of being judged) and ultimately hate and anger (for making me feel this way).
I realized this when I recently saw a picture of Anya Taylor-Joy staring directly at the camera:
A younger me would have admired her eyes or wondered what she is thinking or something like that.
Today I just see condescension and judgement in those eyes... and I wanna smash this face with a hammer till it is just a red stump.
I know that this is my problem, and that it makes me somewhat of a danger to women. I have changed so much over the last decade, who knows what happens over the next twenty years or so…
Maybe I’m a ticking time bomb, or maybe just another impotent looser who will one day be found when my neighbors notice the smell from my apartment.
On some level I know I should get therapy or medication to lose those violent impulses, but I just don’t feel obligated to do anything for the benefit of women. It is not my job to protect them from my future self.
They are just not entitled to it.
I want them to be save.
I want them to be comfortable.
I want them to feel good in my company.
I want them to like me.
…because I am attracted to them.
This makes sense, since there is an obvious biological reason for men to have such an impulse.
However, this impulse is by now entirely gone. As far as I can tell, there are two reasons for it:
A.) I just don’t get real positive feedback from women. They may laugh about my jokes and hang around with me while no one better is available. But that is all the positivity I get. Otherwise I get judged for things I have no control over. I get emotionally exploited for my skills and time. And every social interactions quickly turns into a test-situation of escalating difficulty. It just sucks.
B.) I got used to existing without them liking me. What little social validation I get is exclusively from men. My hobbies and interests are male focused anyway, so there is no need to deal with women. And my sexual desires are fulfilled by hentai because those 2D-girls are not real “evil” women and they are always there when I need them. (…I know it sounds weird…)
Now, whenever I see a women and even a modicum of attraction (on my part) rears its ugly head, it immediately gets drowned out by a wave of shame (for my flaws), guilt (for not being good enough), fear (of being judged) and ultimately hate and anger (for making me feel this way).
I realized this when I recently saw a picture of Anya Taylor-Joy staring directly at the camera:
A younger me would have admired her eyes or wondered what she is thinking or something like that.
Today I just see condescension and judgement in those eyes... and I wanna smash this face with a hammer till it is just a red stump.
I know that this is my problem, and that it makes me somewhat of a danger to women. I have changed so much over the last decade, who knows what happens over the next twenty years or so…
Maybe I’m a ticking time bomb, or maybe just another impotent looser who will one day be found when my neighbors notice the smell from my apartment.
On some level I know I should get therapy or medication to lose those violent impulses, but I just don’t feel obligated to do anything for the benefit of women. It is not my job to protect them from my future self.
They are just not entitled to it.
