After the line of questioning I received from @Villain it made me wonder exactly why men here continue their lives. Everyone must have a reason, right?
Is it hope?
Is it your religion?
Is it your parents?
Is it fear?
For me it's because of the reaction that I know it would have on my parents. My dad is kinda fucked up mentally. From what little I speak to him lately, he's admitted to me that he feels terribly depressed, that he can't even enjoy his retirement. My mom has an unhealthy level of attachment to me, and I'm pretty sure that my existence is the only purpose in her life. In both cases, I'm fairly certain that my suicide would ruin them emotionally.
I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 12, although there was only one point when I was seriously considering acting upon them as a kid at least, they weren't as strong as they are now. I still had some hope for the future up until the end of my teenage years. A lot of times I think about how simple it would be, I could even use materials in this very room right now, like a belt. I'd have to endure some pain, but then it would be over. No more waking up to this shit, no more fucking ceaseless tedium just to maintain my own body, no more worrying, no more aging, and no more pain. It would take less physical effort than a single day of living by far. But the problem is that I care far too much, even though it really isn't my responsibility to do so. After all, it's not like I chose this life, my parents chose it for me. But since they didn't disown me like people often do when they have a NEET failure as a son, it feels like it would be very wrong of me to kill myself before they die. I strongly feel like I owe them that, even if it doesn't entirely make sense.
Is it hope?
Is it your religion?
Is it your parents?
Is it fear?
For me it's because of the reaction that I know it would have on my parents. My dad is kinda fucked up mentally. From what little I speak to him lately, he's admitted to me that he feels terribly depressed, that he can't even enjoy his retirement. My mom has an unhealthy level of attachment to me, and I'm pretty sure that my existence is the only purpose in her life. In both cases, I'm fairly certain that my suicide would ruin them emotionally.
I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 12, although there was only one point when I was seriously considering acting upon them as a kid at least, they weren't as strong as they are now. I still had some hope for the future up until the end of my teenage years. A lot of times I think about how simple it would be, I could even use materials in this very room right now, like a belt. I'd have to endure some pain, but then it would be over. No more waking up to this shit, no more fucking ceaseless tedium just to maintain my own body, no more worrying, no more aging, and no more pain. It would take less physical effort than a single day of living by far. But the problem is that I care far too much, even though it really isn't my responsibility to do so. After all, it's not like I chose this life, my parents chose it for me. But since they didn't disown me like people often do when they have a NEET failure as a son, it feels like it would be very wrong of me to kill myself before they die. I strongly feel like I owe them that, even if it doesn't entirely make sense.
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All 4, although it isn't a fear of death, it's a fear of hellfire.
