i havent experienced teenage love, i have never had a friend before that hasnt backstabbed me or used me as their pet, my parents only insult me. ive only just recently started talking to my parents again after 5 years 
all i really ever said was good morning and theyd yell at me for my grades etc.
ive never had anyone reciprocate their feelings for me or show interest in me
was this just my fate?
i remember seeing a guy in my apartment overdose at 9 years old, did i really have it that bad? did that scar me, was it the beginning? ive always gotten into trouble when i was a kid, never paid any atention in class, hated elementary school, until i got into middle school and the bullying really escalated.
i was always a jester in school, the class loser.
i remember in 5th grade i invited a 'friend' to my house and at the time i lived in a 2 bedroom complex with my family of 5 (me, my sister, my parents, and grandpa). it looked like a hoarder house at the time because we had just moved in and all i could remember was him just constantly telling me that he wanted to go home, and he even went as far as walked home instead of waiting for his mom to come pick him up he dropped me after that. my grandpa kept farting loudly too to make things even worse.
if im being honest, ive never been to any "playdates" as a child or hung out with anyone. ive been to one sleepover but after that the parents of the child i went to the sleepover with never allowed me back into their house ever again and that friend ended up scarring me. he was my only friend, and he really ruined me badly with bullying, humiliation, and a lot more. i cried the day he said he did not want to be my friend anymore, he even told me to never talk to him anymore. he was the only person i had and all he did was bully me and make me feel like shit.
ive never had anyone text me over the summer to hang out or anything like that. all my birthday parties were with my family. now that i think of it, ive never had a friend ever before in my life. a true friend.someone that actually wanted to hang out with me and someone that respected me as a person, a real human being.
for three years of my middle school era i hid in either the bathroom or library during lunch. i isolated myself, didnt eat much. 7th grade i lost 30 pounds in a 3 weeks because i was so depressed. everyday was a hell, id walk in the halls hoping no one looked at me and everyday id hope nothing "new" would happen because it was just someone bullying me or trying to make my life worse.
there were two girls that grabbed my hair and pulled it so i fell and dropped all my things while a group of guys in front of me laughed and ran away.my "best friend" that told me he didnt want to be my friend anymore was behind me and he recorded everything.
i became a snapchat meme at my school and didnt find out about the recording until 3 months later.
on top of that, the only birthday parties ive ever had was one in elementary school which was probably the best day of my life and then one in middle school where i inviited the whole class and only 6 people came, and 3 of the six were family members.i guess im grateful that those 3 people came, i had a good day that day.
but a few positive things in my life cant out weigh a lifetime of misery. so i just dont know anymore guys
i dont know if i want to do this anymore, i have already attempted a suicide and failed only because i didnt have the right materials but i always tell myself that next year will get better, things wont get worse. and i am shocked by how things get worse every fucking year. i cant do this guys. i think i might actually plan a suicide. its a lot to handle. i am weak, i am pathetic i know, and i am an insignificant and ugly incel loser. i get it.
as i type this a cockroach is crawling on my table
nice
all i really ever said was good morning and theyd yell at me for my grades etc.ive never had anyone reciprocate their feelings for me or show interest in me
was this just my fate?
i remember seeing a guy in my apartment overdose at 9 years old, did i really have it that bad? did that scar me, was it the beginning? ive always gotten into trouble when i was a kid, never paid any atention in class, hated elementary school, until i got into middle school and the bullying really escalated.
i was always a jester in school, the class loser.
i remember in 5th grade i invited a 'friend' to my house and at the time i lived in a 2 bedroom complex with my family of 5 (me, my sister, my parents, and grandpa). it looked like a hoarder house at the time because we had just moved in and all i could remember was him just constantly telling me that he wanted to go home, and he even went as far as walked home instead of waiting for his mom to come pick him up
he dropped me after that. my grandpa kept farting loudly too to make things even worse.if im being honest, ive never been to any "playdates" as a child or hung out with anyone. ive been to one sleepover but after that the parents of the child i went to the sleepover with never allowed me back into their house ever again and that friend ended up scarring me. he was my only friend, and he really ruined me badly with bullying, humiliation, and a lot more. i cried the day he said he did not want to be my friend anymore, he even told me to never talk to him anymore. he was the only person i had and all he did was bully me and make me feel like shit.
ive never had anyone text me over the summer to hang out or anything like that. all my birthday parties were with my family. now that i think of it, ive never had a friend ever before in my life. a true friend.
someone that actually wanted to hang out with me and someone that respected me as a person, a real human being.for three years of my middle school era i hid in either the bathroom or library during lunch. i isolated myself, didnt eat much. 7th grade i lost 30 pounds in a 3 weeks because i was so depressed. everyday was a hell, id walk in the halls hoping no one looked at me and everyday id hope nothing "new" would happen because it was just someone bullying me or trying to make my life worse.
there were two girls that grabbed my hair and pulled it so i fell and dropped all my things while a group of guys in front of me laughed and ran away.
my "best friend" that told me he didnt want to be my friend anymore was behind me and he recorded everything.i became a snapchat meme at my school and didnt find out about the recording until 3 months later.
on top of that, the only birthday parties ive ever had was one in elementary school which was probably the best day of my life and then one in middle school where i inviited the whole class and only 6 people came, and 3 of the six were family members.
i guess im grateful that those 3 people came, i had a good day that day.but a few positive things in my life cant out weigh a lifetime of misery. so i just dont know anymore guys
i dont know if i want to do this anymore, i have already attempted a suicide and failed only because i didnt have the right materials but i always tell myself that next year will get better, things wont get worse. and i am shocked by how things get worse every fucking year. i cant do this guys. i think i might actually plan a suicide. its a lot to handle. i am weak, i am pathetic i know, and i am an insignificant and ugly incel loser. i get it.
as i type this a cockroach is crawling on my table
nice
