I tried to stay away from this forum but I guess I'm just too much of a loser, and this is the only place I can vent.
I'm not even always bothered by being an incel, just sometimes, but when you add being a complete failure when it comes to career, education, money, health, looks etc... It just all adds up. I'd have a mental breakdown if I weren't already basically a mental and physical vegetable who can barely get out of bed (seriously when I had to leave the house for 4 hours back when I had classes, I was literally dead tired just from sitting in chair during class).
Idk, there's just not one aspect of my life that I can cling to in order to have some hope and positivity, it's all shit. I've even tried so hard to find some interest, something to pour myself into and become good at, but my brain is too fucked by the more than a decade of muh depression and all the other shit that's wrong with me. I suspect my dopamine receptors are fucked beyond repair.
And because of my baldness, teeth and other fucked up traits that have creeped up on me over the years, I'm now even more self-conscious than before.
I realized that I'm not even a good person, I'm just shy and weak so I sort of try to avoid trouble so that I don't get punished. Yesterday, after reinstalling and uninstalling League of Legends for what is probably the 70th time this summer, I lay in bed trying to sleep. I was analyzing myself - I might be a much worse person that I see myself as. Because of depression, being introverted/shy and avoidant of people, I guess I had a mental image of myself as being sort of a weakling, almost a victim. But now that I look at it, I might actually be a huge piece of shit. And a huge hypocrite too considering how I try to sometimes present myself as kind. For example, I got so mad in this game, after basically losing 15 games all day because even in a game that I've played for thousands of hours I'm still way below average. What did I do when I got mad? I started telling a person to kill themselves. Really graphically, told them to slice their veins vertically and not horizontally etc... And while this is the first time I did it this year, in the past I used to say shit like this all the time online, telling people to get cancer etc... And as I thought about myself while laying in bed, I realized that I am indeed a huge piece of shit. At least I don't say vile shit irl, irl I only did it when I was very drunk and very mad and felt attacked and cornered, but I told these things to the only people that ever cared about me, ironically. Or maybe I said shit like this to strangers too, i don't remember what I did when I was blacked out I guess. Maybe that's why I lost those 2 front teeth years ago, never did remember for sure how I lost them, though if I think about it I probably just tripped.
It's just amazing how I can literally have nothing going for me. Not even a god damn interest I could be good at. Hell, a normal person who had a free summer like me would've at least enjoyed it, but I spent it installing and reinstalling a game I hate, and browsing other shit I've already forgot.
It's hard to accept that these were the best years of my life too. It's all downhill from here. I'll look back and be nostalgic, cause the only difference in my life will be that I'll be stuck at some shitty job all day making no money. And none of the thousand problems in my life will go away, they just get worse. The life of an aging outcast useless neet + wageslaving during the day, isn't that lovely?
I'm not even always bothered by being an incel, just sometimes, but when you add being a complete failure when it comes to career, education, money, health, looks etc... It just all adds up. I'd have a mental breakdown if I weren't already basically a mental and physical vegetable who can barely get out of bed (seriously when I had to leave the house for 4 hours back when I had classes, I was literally dead tired just from sitting in chair during class).
Idk, there's just not one aspect of my life that I can cling to in order to have some hope and positivity, it's all shit. I've even tried so hard to find some interest, something to pour myself into and become good at, but my brain is too fucked by the more than a decade of muh depression and all the other shit that's wrong with me. I suspect my dopamine receptors are fucked beyond repair.
And because of my baldness, teeth and other fucked up traits that have creeped up on me over the years, I'm now even more self-conscious than before.
I realized that I'm not even a good person, I'm just shy and weak so I sort of try to avoid trouble so that I don't get punished. Yesterday, after reinstalling and uninstalling League of Legends for what is probably the 70th time this summer, I lay in bed trying to sleep. I was analyzing myself - I might be a much worse person that I see myself as. Because of depression, being introverted/shy and avoidant of people, I guess I had a mental image of myself as being sort of a weakling, almost a victim. But now that I look at it, I might actually be a huge piece of shit. And a huge hypocrite too considering how I try to sometimes present myself as kind. For example, I got so mad in this game, after basically losing 15 games all day because even in a game that I've played for thousands of hours I'm still way below average. What did I do when I got mad? I started telling a person to kill themselves. Really graphically, told them to slice their veins vertically and not horizontally etc... And while this is the first time I did it this year, in the past I used to say shit like this all the time online, telling people to get cancer etc... And as I thought about myself while laying in bed, I realized that I am indeed a huge piece of shit. At least I don't say vile shit irl, irl I only did it when I was very drunk and very mad and felt attacked and cornered, but I told these things to the only people that ever cared about me, ironically. Or maybe I said shit like this to strangers too, i don't remember what I did when I was blacked out I guess. Maybe that's why I lost those 2 front teeth years ago, never did remember for sure how I lost them, though if I think about it I probably just tripped.
It's just amazing how I can literally have nothing going for me. Not even a god damn interest I could be good at. Hell, a normal person who had a free summer like me would've at least enjoyed it, but I spent it installing and reinstalling a game I hate, and browsing other shit I've already forgot.
It's hard to accept that these were the best years of my life too. It's all downhill from here. I'll look back and be nostalgic, cause the only difference in my life will be that I'll be stuck at some shitty job all day making no money. And none of the thousand problems in my life will go away, they just get worse. The life of an aging outcast useless neet + wageslaving during the day, isn't that lovely?
