i reached this revelation in my head that includes several points, it hit me like a diamond bullet:
the good:
the good:
- i live a good life and ill be the first to admit it, i have all the creature comforts you can ask for. that's including a working air conditioner,a large steam library and several choices of food daily
- i have two parents that love me, even if we don't get along with them very well.
- i have a brother that im proud of, and hes proud of me
- im not stupid, and i thank god for giving me my nogging
- im unwilling to accept the fact that im going to die alone, its simply not acceptable to me. i believe that a person needs emotional support and intimacy to function at the most basic level, and that's not something i have- or ever will have. i will never be a fully functioning individual.
- i don't like to be around people, no matter who. normal everyday people are just very cold and robotic, not sure if i want to live among them until i die.
- the idea of putting significantly more effort than other people is not acceptable to me. i understand the politics around it, but i can't accept the reality of it
- being in this situation, understanding that the media and the government are actively or passively working against me, is something that's to be considered in the long-run. how long can a b-class citizen sustain himself until the government cuts his toes off. i don't have the mental and physical fortitude to fight those large entities.
- 5. in a theological sense, ill go to hell (literallly) and i think that god should help me if he wants me to keep going and fulfill me purpose, but he drives me to suicide because he is unwilling to meddle in human affairs. it would be one thing if i could play my cards right, but i don't have the right cards in this game
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