BACKSTORY:
I have been depressed and suicidal for many years due to autism, isolation and bullying. There were many times that I thought I wasn't going to make it. In college, my "friends" loved to bet on my suicide and when I was going to die. Before that, I was ignored in High-School and ate lunch under the stairs every single day. Once a nigger came up and sat in my lap ("is this seat taken?") while his friends and partner laughed. On the last day of HighSchool I tried to blow my brains out at home etc.
Well recently my luck changed for the better. After working an entire year in an unpaid programming job I finally landed a new gig at a decent company. The pay is even up there with what normies make on average (a blessing for a retarded little child like me). Before this happened I thought that I would live at my parents for years unemployed, then either suicide or the streets. The job was a fucking blessing and it has given me hope that things might change someday. I started several months ago and have moved across the country for this opportunity. Although I have managed to keep this job I am just squeezing by. I appear the weakest link in our team of 10 for a number of reasons. One mistake could cost my career and likely put me in a hospital bed for a very long time.
THE WEEK:
I woke up at 8:00 AM on Monday for an 8:30 meeting. Opened up my laptop and logged in as normal. Then I tried to connect to the work network. An error message appeared. I had a panic attack and kept trying to reset the password. It didn't work... I had missed the meeting. I then noticed that the time set on the device's calendar was off by several days. Didn't think much of this at the moment however.
I called their technical assistance team. Then waited for 45 minutes for a response on hold to really awful music. Finally a woman with a strange accent answered. We discussed the issue. She said that the username and password were correct. Then I brought up that the calendar was off. She told me that the authentication needs to get the time from the current device and that if this is off then the login gets rejected. She told me that I would need to reset this to the proper time for it to work but I did not have user privileges to do so. Therefore she said she would refer me to a more specialized team. She told me that she did not have admin access either.
I was disappointed that this had not been resolved by the next meeting time at 12:45. I needed to reach out to a teammate to have him explain the situation. I did not have any other friends or way of contact without the VPN. He is also autistic and very likely incel.
By 4:00 I still had not heard anything. This was beginning to drive me crazy. An issue like this should get resolved in 10 minutes. I started to have suicidal thoughts and screamed/cried to mommy. I called again at 4:30 to see what the hell was going on.
A garbled voice answered: "Mee Sunetha Badara hw cn ah heelp yo tdey?" This was literally the worst accent that I had ever heard uttered from one of those sand-people. It's like she had made absolutely no effort to grasp the English language. Guess she spends all of her time sucking Jerome's dick instead of learning how to do her job.
We discussed the issue and she told me that the support team had assigned my 10 minute reset ticket. However the individual given this task had not yet started. There was one other thing that I could try, she said. This required that I type a complex command into my windows command prompt. She decided to read the command to me... character by fucking character! It started alright but I misunderstood her several times. Then she grew more impatient. She also started moving faster and even tried to say a whole word at once which came out completely wrong. When I misunderstood this word 10 times in a row due to autism she was at the point of screaming it out. Finally finished I later felt pummeled and bullied yet again. However if I stood up to her I could lose my job just for that.
After finally closing the call at 6:00 I collapsed on my bed stressed out and depressed. I got a feeling that is becoming increasingly common for me in depressive phases. This is comprised of 2 things: inability to move and a feeling of deep inner numbness. As a result I did nothing except listen to music in my bed until 2:00. Then I set my alarm for 10 AM. However there was one problem. Likely due to mild PTSD, depression and anxiety I simply could not fall asleep. I tried taking a large 40mg dose of melatonin but it did nothing. My eyes were closed. However I had no desire to sleep. Instead I contemplated suicide and the worst memories from my past for the next 8 hours. It felt like being paralyzed with a broken spine but a fully intact consciousness.
Like SpongeBob's opposite I got up from bed on Tuesday without a single minute of sleep. Then I began waiting for those bastards to contact me. I spilled my water on myself and cussed pointlessly: it was no use. I didn't feel tired that day. Instead I just had the same feeling as in bed accompanied by anger. I cooked a pot of Death Wish Coffee and listened to Haymaker as heroes danced in the background on a different screen. This was amazing for a couple of hours but then left me feeling the same.
They still hadn't contacted me by 4:00 PM. My suicidal thoughts had worsened and I couldn't take the pressure. My thoughts obsessed on my old oneitis and her Tyrone gang-banger boyfriend snapping my neck as she watches sadly. I had a nightmare about this several years ago and it has been a primal, innate fear ever since.
As a result I contacted IT yet again. This time I waited 20 minutes to speak with someone. I asked him to trace my ticket. He said that the team assigned to it had actually sent me instructions instead of calling me. They had emailed them to my company account and were awaiting my response. There was only one problem: I could not access the email if I was not on the company network. Recall that I could not join this network since the token produced didn't authenticate with an incorrect time. He told me that he would update the ticket description to let the support team know to contact me.
Believe it or not I had an even worse night after work ended. In fact I had a breakdown while on the phone with my mom, crying and telling her that I might not be able to make it through the night. She made me promise that I wouldn't crash my car, all because some nigger wouldn't take 10 minutes to help me. Note that I have absolutely no family anywhere near me: she was on the line from thousands of miles away.
After the breakdown I took 20mg of melatonin thinking sleep would come easy. However the same thing occurred yet again, even after I had another 20mg pill. Since I was now much shorter on sleep this night was an even lower hell than the previous.
This-morning the correct individual finally reached out. He resolved the date issue but I could still not gain access to the network. A pin was screwed up as well. This IT worker then put me on hold for another.
The final help-desk worker was a non-accent foid but this was the worst experience yet. It took an hour just to reset the pin. I even got locked out due to incorrect logins and almost had a breakdown then and there. Finally I was in the network. VPN access worked! I would be okay.
Unfortunately I still needed to catch up with everything for the week. Several people are waiting on me and I was already behind come Monday. I still felt like killing myself as well as anxious and extremely tired. I decided to bring back an old tradition from college: Marlboro Reds. Anything would be better than how I felt. I needed a break and something to puff before doing all of my work. I walked to the corner store to buy a pack and lighter. It was long and I received numerous awkward looks.
When I arrived I saw a chubby Negress at the register. I asked her for a pack of Marlboro reds. Due to my autism I butchered the pronunciation. She then thought I meant the cigs to the direct left of Marlboro. In my robotic voice I told her just a few inches to the right. She was confused and this lasted about 30 seconds with her pointing at the ones on the right. There was a Chad behind me and he saw everything.
When she finally understood what I meant to say she apologized, saying that she was hard of hearing. "I'm sorry too", I said sadly. Then it was checkout time.
"Can I see your ID please?", she asked. I gave it to her feeling deader than for a very long time. "I'm actually 25", I said. "I look like a freaking teenager don't I? It's crazy!". She froze in shock after seeing the birthdate. "Yes you do", she said.
She told me to have a great night. I heard her checking out the Chad customer and they talked like old friends. "I just feel soo bad...blah,blah, blah", she said.
The cig was great and removed the pain for 20-ish minutes as I walked home. I am having more cigs tonight and will likely become a chronic smoker now. Just got another shit-smear on my status - normies despise people who smoke.
When I got back the network would not connect - likely due to my local connection. I tried resetting this for 20 minutes then gave up. No work done tonight and another fun day tomorrow.
I feel like I am a helpless loser in the fetal position. Honestly the worst thing about this is the feeling of inferiority and helplessness. I am like a Lobster to other people waiting to get cooked by society and clawing at the walls of my tank in fear. What a sick and nasty world we live in. This is one of the worst weeks I have had for a while and most are pretty terrible for me as it is.
I have been depressed and suicidal for many years due to autism, isolation and bullying. There were many times that I thought I wasn't going to make it. In college, my "friends" loved to bet on my suicide and when I was going to die. Before that, I was ignored in High-School and ate lunch under the stairs every single day. Once a nigger came up and sat in my lap ("is this seat taken?") while his friends and partner laughed. On the last day of HighSchool I tried to blow my brains out at home etc.
Well recently my luck changed for the better. After working an entire year in an unpaid programming job I finally landed a new gig at a decent company. The pay is even up there with what normies make on average (a blessing for a retarded little child like me). Before this happened I thought that I would live at my parents for years unemployed, then either suicide or the streets. The job was a fucking blessing and it has given me hope that things might change someday. I started several months ago and have moved across the country for this opportunity. Although I have managed to keep this job I am just squeezing by. I appear the weakest link in our team of 10 for a number of reasons. One mistake could cost my career and likely put me in a hospital bed for a very long time.
THE WEEK:
I woke up at 8:00 AM on Monday for an 8:30 meeting. Opened up my laptop and logged in as normal. Then I tried to connect to the work network. An error message appeared. I had a panic attack and kept trying to reset the password. It didn't work... I had missed the meeting. I then noticed that the time set on the device's calendar was off by several days. Didn't think much of this at the moment however.
I called their technical assistance team. Then waited for 45 minutes for a response on hold to really awful music. Finally a woman with a strange accent answered. We discussed the issue. She said that the username and password were correct. Then I brought up that the calendar was off. She told me that the authentication needs to get the time from the current device and that if this is off then the login gets rejected. She told me that I would need to reset this to the proper time for it to work but I did not have user privileges to do so. Therefore she said she would refer me to a more specialized team. She told me that she did not have admin access either.
I was disappointed that this had not been resolved by the next meeting time at 12:45. I needed to reach out to a teammate to have him explain the situation. I did not have any other friends or way of contact without the VPN. He is also autistic and very likely incel.
By 4:00 I still had not heard anything. This was beginning to drive me crazy. An issue like this should get resolved in 10 minutes. I started to have suicidal thoughts and screamed/cried to mommy. I called again at 4:30 to see what the hell was going on.
A garbled voice answered: "Mee Sunetha Badara hw cn ah heelp yo tdey?" This was literally the worst accent that I had ever heard uttered from one of those sand-people. It's like she had made absolutely no effort to grasp the English language. Guess she spends all of her time sucking Jerome's dick instead of learning how to do her job.
We discussed the issue and she told me that the support team had assigned my 10 minute reset ticket. However the individual given this task had not yet started. There was one other thing that I could try, she said. This required that I type a complex command into my windows command prompt. She decided to read the command to me... character by fucking character! It started alright but I misunderstood her several times. Then she grew more impatient. She also started moving faster and even tried to say a whole word at once which came out completely wrong. When I misunderstood this word 10 times in a row due to autism she was at the point of screaming it out. Finally finished I later felt pummeled and bullied yet again. However if I stood up to her I could lose my job just for that.
After finally closing the call at 6:00 I collapsed on my bed stressed out and depressed. I got a feeling that is becoming increasingly common for me in depressive phases. This is comprised of 2 things: inability to move and a feeling of deep inner numbness. As a result I did nothing except listen to music in my bed until 2:00. Then I set my alarm for 10 AM. However there was one problem. Likely due to mild PTSD, depression and anxiety I simply could not fall asleep. I tried taking a large 40mg dose of melatonin but it did nothing. My eyes were closed. However I had no desire to sleep. Instead I contemplated suicide and the worst memories from my past for the next 8 hours. It felt like being paralyzed with a broken spine but a fully intact consciousness.
Like SpongeBob's opposite I got up from bed on Tuesday without a single minute of sleep. Then I began waiting for those bastards to contact me. I spilled my water on myself and cussed pointlessly: it was no use. I didn't feel tired that day. Instead I just had the same feeling as in bed accompanied by anger. I cooked a pot of Death Wish Coffee and listened to Haymaker as heroes danced in the background on a different screen. This was amazing for a couple of hours but then left me feeling the same.
They still hadn't contacted me by 4:00 PM. My suicidal thoughts had worsened and I couldn't take the pressure. My thoughts obsessed on my old oneitis and her Tyrone gang-banger boyfriend snapping my neck as she watches sadly. I had a nightmare about this several years ago and it has been a primal, innate fear ever since.
As a result I contacted IT yet again. This time I waited 20 minutes to speak with someone. I asked him to trace my ticket. He said that the team assigned to it had actually sent me instructions instead of calling me. They had emailed them to my company account and were awaiting my response. There was only one problem: I could not access the email if I was not on the company network. Recall that I could not join this network since the token produced didn't authenticate with an incorrect time. He told me that he would update the ticket description to let the support team know to contact me.
Believe it or not I had an even worse night after work ended. In fact I had a breakdown while on the phone with my mom, crying and telling her that I might not be able to make it through the night. She made me promise that I wouldn't crash my car, all because some nigger wouldn't take 10 minutes to help me. Note that I have absolutely no family anywhere near me: she was on the line from thousands of miles away.
After the breakdown I took 20mg of melatonin thinking sleep would come easy. However the same thing occurred yet again, even after I had another 20mg pill. Since I was now much shorter on sleep this night was an even lower hell than the previous.
This-morning the correct individual finally reached out. He resolved the date issue but I could still not gain access to the network. A pin was screwed up as well. This IT worker then put me on hold for another.
The final help-desk worker was a non-accent foid but this was the worst experience yet. It took an hour just to reset the pin. I even got locked out due to incorrect logins and almost had a breakdown then and there. Finally I was in the network. VPN access worked! I would be okay.
Unfortunately I still needed to catch up with everything for the week. Several people are waiting on me and I was already behind come Monday. I still felt like killing myself as well as anxious and extremely tired. I decided to bring back an old tradition from college: Marlboro Reds. Anything would be better than how I felt. I needed a break and something to puff before doing all of my work. I walked to the corner store to buy a pack and lighter. It was long and I received numerous awkward looks.
When I arrived I saw a chubby Negress at the register. I asked her for a pack of Marlboro reds. Due to my autism I butchered the pronunciation. She then thought I meant the cigs to the direct left of Marlboro. In my robotic voice I told her just a few inches to the right. She was confused and this lasted about 30 seconds with her pointing at the ones on the right. There was a Chad behind me and he saw everything.
When she finally understood what I meant to say she apologized, saying that she was hard of hearing. "I'm sorry too", I said sadly. Then it was checkout time.
"Can I see your ID please?", she asked. I gave it to her feeling deader than for a very long time. "I'm actually 25", I said. "I look like a freaking teenager don't I? It's crazy!". She froze in shock after seeing the birthdate. "Yes you do", she said.
She told me to have a great night. I heard her checking out the Chad customer and they talked like old friends. "I just feel soo bad...blah,blah, blah", she said.
The cig was great and removed the pain for 20-ish minutes as I walked home. I am having more cigs tonight and will likely become a chronic smoker now. Just got another shit-smear on my status - normies despise people who smoke.
When I got back the network would not connect - likely due to my local connection. I tried resetting this for 20 minutes then gave up. No work done tonight and another fun day tomorrow.
I feel like I am a helpless loser in the fetal position. Honestly the worst thing about this is the feeling of inferiority and helplessness. I am like a Lobster to other people waiting to get cooked by society and clawing at the walls of my tank in fear. What a sick and nasty world we live in. This is one of the worst weeks I have had for a while and most are pretty terrible for me as it is.
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