I see it time and time again. Women start thinking what if? They start rationalizing a man's actions, making excuses and assigning positive qualities where there are none. They start questioning their own standards think, "maybe this is too harsh", or" he probably has a reason". Before this she was level headed, capable and taking no shit from men, but as soon as one comes into her life, all reason flies out the window.
Now to be fair, all of us are a bit guilty of romanticizing men. Yes intellectually we know what the reality is, but emotions aren't always rational. Crushes get you all giddy, they get the blood pumping and hopeful, but sis wake up! It's not real, your crush, and all those thoughts about what the two of you could be, or have together aren't real. You don't know anything about this man, all of those things you're fantasizing are just that, fantasies. You're painting him in the colours of your own good qualities. You're building up this character in your mind, about someone you don't even know.
And all that for a man who probably isn't paying you much mind beyond getting laid faster. We have the vetting strategies for a reason, because men will lie to you like it's breathing. His actions are speaking loud and clear, you're just refusing to see them for what they are. You think he's HVM after a couple dates? For what reason? Because he didn't act like a complete scumbag? Being a decent man is the absolute bare minimum.
Or maybe you try to rationalize why he doesn't want to take you to dinner, or even take initiative to ask you out instead of orbiting(for the love of god don't chase a man, just don't). "But he's so perfect and you like him so much, and he has HVM qualities, I just have to...CommUniCate". Be real here, all those things are in your own head, if he was so great he would of done all the right things. He wouldn't be playing hot and cold, he wouldn't be trying to get you as cheaply as possible, you wouldn't be so unsure. No thanks to your coffee dates, I can get lukewarm bean water all on my own, and probably have a better conversation with the barista then a dude who is just doing the bare minimum to get you in bed.
That's why you employ the vetting strategies and you leave at THE FIRST SIGN of a red flag(hell leave at the yellow and oranges too, I wouldn't stick around for anything I thought was upsetting or unpleasant). He asked you out for coffee? Goodbye, you don't need to fish for low standards, he already tried to lowball you and anything after this is bullshit on his part. He's telling you his life story? Being overly touchy? How about overly sexual? Etc. Good bye, and good riddance.
The vetting strategies may not be foolproof(men can always switch up), but they also only work if you actually use them. That means following the handbook(don't just cherry pick, it never works out), that means no low value dates, or low value men. That means vet vet vet. I don't care how HV you think he is, men always switch up, and they'll keep their masks on for as long as it benefits them. Stop putting him on a pedestal. He has to earn it, he's the one impressing you, not the other way around. Stop inflating this man in your head, and put down the phone. Stop telling him how to date you, stop with the paragraphs, he knows already, you're just wasting time and energy. Stop doing the pickme backslide, you've come too far to go back to that.
