Heads up: heavily suicidal thread. To my defense, it’s 5AM.
Not to refrain discreetly or give more prominence to this forum as if it’s this never-seen-before cult everyone would want in on provided the opportunity but I am absolutely paralyzed when it comes to either this or the “real world.”
I should be studying right now and pretend like I’m working towards a future ahead of me but instead I’ve chosen to lose sleep over rotting on here. The reason is simple: I yield power in the face of a pain greater than any I have encountered and that is envisioning what would happen to me 20 years from now.
Think about it right now. If you were to see the 20 year older version of yourself, still incel, still virgin, still friendless, still hopeless, still bitter, all with the addition of being uglier, fatter, balder, living on your own (parents out of the picture) and lost the very little things once valuable to you, what would it look like?
I feel severely paralyzed when I picture this. Mine is hell. I literally vision hell. It’s so mind-fuckingly bad that my head just automatically circles back to contemplating suicide and I immediately need a distraction. This forum is that distraction.
It remedies the pain by fastening the time and thereby accelerating the time it would require to REACH to what I have anticipated, because my mind can’t help but to default back to that state.
To understand, and I mean to fully grasp on how from the moment you were born, everything up until the very last point has worked together to bring you there, on that field, in that moment, and how there is TRULY no way to work around it, no way to solve it no matter how much you plead, no way to change it no matter how much you try, you are bound to end up failing, all so the ones who succeeded can have meaning to go with their name, is truly the most petrifying, the most suffocating, the most demoralizing thing to accept in your life.
Think of all the people who’ve committed suicide (therefore failed) and what went through their lives. When I realize that I am destined to be yet another person who was built to go through THAT? Just another number?
Not to refrain discreetly or give more prominence to this forum as if it’s this never-seen-before cult everyone would want in on provided the opportunity but I am absolutely paralyzed when it comes to either this or the “real world.”
I should be studying right now and pretend like I’m working towards a future ahead of me but instead I’ve chosen to lose sleep over rotting on here. The reason is simple: I yield power in the face of a pain greater than any I have encountered and that is envisioning what would happen to me 20 years from now.
Think about it right now. If you were to see the 20 year older version of yourself, still incel, still virgin, still friendless, still hopeless, still bitter, all with the addition of being uglier, fatter, balder, living on your own (parents out of the picture) and lost the very little things once valuable to you, what would it look like?
I feel severely paralyzed when I picture this. Mine is hell. I literally vision hell. It’s so mind-fuckingly bad that my head just automatically circles back to contemplating suicide and I immediately need a distraction. This forum is that distraction.
It remedies the pain by fastening the time and thereby accelerating the time it would require to REACH to what I have anticipated, because my mind can’t help but to default back to that state.
To understand, and I mean to fully grasp on how from the moment you were born, everything up until the very last point has worked together to bring you there, on that field, in that moment, and how there is TRULY no way to work around it, no way to solve it no matter how much you plead, no way to change it no matter how much you try, you are bound to end up failing, all so the ones who succeeded can have meaning to go with their name, is truly the most petrifying, the most suffocating, the most demoralizing thing to accept in your life.
Think of all the people who’ve committed suicide (therefore failed) and what went through their lives. When I realize that I am destined to be yet another person who was built to go through THAT? Just another number?
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