My Husband No Longer Wants Sex. Do I Divorce Him?
The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on navigating a celibate marriage.
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Credit...Illustration by Tomi Um
By Kwame Anthony Appiah
March 31, 2023
My husband, whom I have been with for 30 years, has never been very comfortable with sex. I was in my late 30s when we met and had long been single. We worked together; he was smart and made me laugh. I realized he was basically a good person, and we were mostly happy together. Although he is a bit controlling, I have found ways to either ignore or confront this behavior. Sex and intimate contact, however, have devolved over time. Now there is no more than a daily perfunctory kiss.
The problem is that I am a very sensual person. I did have an affair that I managed to keep from him a few years ago, and that kept my sanity intact. I owe my husband a lot, and he has been deeply supportive of my art career. Recently when I left town for three weeks to take care of my ailing mother, he said that he would have killed himself if I hadn’t come back.
But can I stay in a celibate marriage for the last few years of my viability as a woman? I’ve become very depressed. We have no children together, so that is not part of the equation. I don’t want to hurt him; if I left, he would be devastated in a way that I’m not sure he could recover from. I recently met someone I am very drawn to, but I am tortured by the choice. — Name Withheld
im getting some landwhale vibes too
