S
My mother passed away in January and it has been very hard on me. I think about her every day and break down into tears multiple times a day. She was a great woman. She loved me unconditionally even though I was a big disappointment and never accomplished anything in my life. She was always sweet to me and did everything in her power to try to cheer me up when I was down. She was on angel on earth. I miss her so much and don’t know if I will ever recover from this.
It is even worse to experience the death of a parent as an involuntary celibate. I don’t have the love of a woman to fall back on. I don’t have the emotional support of a woman to help me through this tough time. I don’t have the option of dating women to keep my mind distracted. I have no hope to cling on to and no way to cope. The past few months have been hell for me. I have been strongly considering suicide, but it is against my religion so I won’t go through with it.
I still remember one of the last real conversations I had with my mother before she slipped into unconsciousness. She told me she wishes I was born a woman. She said to me that women have it so much easier than men, and even back in the day when women didn’t have rights, they had it much easier than any man on the planet. My mom said that if I would’ve been born a girl, I would have found a good man to take care of me and I would be a happily married woman with many children right now and she would have been a happy grandmother. I am my mother’s only child because she suffered from health issues preventing her from having more children so unfortunately she never got to have grandchildren.
Something else my mother told me is that if she would have married a better looking man, my life would have been much easier. She apologized to me for not choosing a better father for me to have given me better genetics. She was in a semi arranged marriage so she had very few options to choose from in our community. But she said that if she would have known how I would turn out, she would have strongly considered going outside of our community to find a man even if she would have gotten shunned by her community for it. My mother said she never foresaw how picky and shallow women would become—even ones in our religious community. My poor mother really understood my struggle and had strong empathy for me.
What makes me so sad is that my mother died feeling guilty for the life she gave me. She died being devastated by the fact that her son is a failure. She died devastated by the fact that she never had grandchildren. She died worrying about me and what my future holds. She didn’t deserve to die with such emotional torture. It’s bad enough she had to suffer physically from her illness, but my unfortunate life circumstances produced even worse mental anguish in her final days. I will never be able to get over that.
It is even worse to experience the death of a parent as an involuntary celibate. I don’t have the love of a woman to fall back on. I don’t have the emotional support of a woman to help me through this tough time. I don’t have the option of dating women to keep my mind distracted. I have no hope to cling on to and no way to cope. The past few months have been hell for me. I have been strongly considering suicide, but it is against my religion so I won’t go through with it.
I still remember one of the last real conversations I had with my mother before she slipped into unconsciousness. She told me she wishes I was born a woman. She said to me that women have it so much easier than men, and even back in the day when women didn’t have rights, they had it much easier than any man on the planet. My mom said that if I would’ve been born a girl, I would have found a good man to take care of me and I would be a happily married woman with many children right now and she would have been a happy grandmother. I am my mother’s only child because she suffered from health issues preventing her from having more children so unfortunately she never got to have grandchildren.
Something else my mother told me is that if she would have married a better looking man, my life would have been much easier. She apologized to me for not choosing a better father for me to have given me better genetics. She was in a semi arranged marriage so she had very few options to choose from in our community. But she said that if she would have known how I would turn out, she would have strongly considered going outside of our community to find a man even if she would have gotten shunned by her community for it. My mother said she never foresaw how picky and shallow women would become—even ones in our religious community. My poor mother really understood my struggle and had strong empathy for me.
What makes me so sad is that my mother died feeling guilty for the life she gave me. She died being devastated by the fact that her son is a failure. She died devastated by the fact that she never had grandchildren. She died worrying about me and what my future holds. She didn’t deserve to die with such emotional torture. It’s bad enough she had to suffer physically from her illness, but my unfortunate life circumstances produced even worse mental anguish in her final days. I will never be able to get over that.
Last edited:
sorry to hear that
