A good thing I've noticed is that most of you are still pretty ... lively, for the lack of a better word. You're not just rotting. Even those of you who are rotting are still somewhat doing something.
But for me it's different. I'm not even talking about ugliness, I'm not the ugliest guy around. I'm bald and my front teeth are halved and there's the glasses and frame and acne (some of this shit is fixable) etc... but I'm not the ugliest guy around. But I'm truly one of the most mentally shattered ones around here. I've literally been rotting since I was a kid. I have a cocktail of mental stuff going on: probably autism, ADD, and then eventually those beckoned crippling depression, anxiety, even agoraphobia.
Been rotting for way too long. It's all I can do, all that I find comfortable, all that isn't anxiety-inducing or too boring or stressful.
So with all this cocktail of shit that's wrong with me mentally, there's only one way I won't end up even more miserable (especially when I'll have to wageslave). I have to go deeper. I have to be more insane. There's no way I'll get better, there's so much wrong with me. What I need is to get worse. To shatter the way I see reality entirely, to change my perceptions, the way I view the world in real-time. To change the way I even perceive stimuli. I need to go deeper. To react to things differently.
Another pointless thread I guess. Just another instance of wishful thinking. As always I want things to change but I don't want to put in effort. But I'm too broken. Too tired. I've always been low on energy and willpower, but with all the shit that's wrong with me that was added over the years. Now I'm even more tired, and the mountain of shit I'd need to fix to barely reach the level of a normal person is just getting bigger and bigger.
But for me it's different. I'm not even talking about ugliness, I'm not the ugliest guy around. I'm bald and my front teeth are halved and there's the glasses and frame and acne (some of this shit is fixable) etc... but I'm not the ugliest guy around. But I'm truly one of the most mentally shattered ones around here. I've literally been rotting since I was a kid. I have a cocktail of mental stuff going on: probably autism, ADD, and then eventually those beckoned crippling depression, anxiety, even agoraphobia.
Been rotting for way too long. It's all I can do, all that I find comfortable, all that isn't anxiety-inducing or too boring or stressful.
So with all this cocktail of shit that's wrong with me mentally, there's only one way I won't end up even more miserable (especially when I'll have to wageslave). I have to go deeper. I have to be more insane. There's no way I'll get better, there's so much wrong with me. What I need is to get worse. To shatter the way I see reality entirely, to change my perceptions, the way I view the world in real-time. To change the way I even perceive stimuli. I need to go deeper. To react to things differently.
Another pointless thread I guess. Just another instance of wishful thinking. As always I want things to change but I don't want to put in effort. But I'm too broken. Too tired. I've always been low on energy and willpower, but with all the shit that's wrong with me that was added over the years. Now I'm even more tired, and the mountain of shit I'd need to fix to barely reach the level of a normal person is just getting bigger and bigger.
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brutal, this is my last year tbh.
