The thoughts hit me again, when I'm not drowning myself in hobbies or consuming worthless content.
I'm 21. There was a time when I thought about how I'd be like when I reached this age.
I used to think that things would be better for me in uni. But no. I have 1.5 years of uni left. And I'm still a kissless virgin. Going to work, uni, or just being in public forcefully exposes me to people around my age experiencing what I never could: intimacy.
Seeing them hold hands, laugh, have a good time, it hurts. What did I ever do to be undeserving of these things.
All the memories that never were...
How could I ever be a normal human after suffering as much as I have...being hated just for existing...just because I fall short of their expectations...it pains me.
I had a slim chance at teen love, but for reasons both in and out of my control (mostly out of my control) it got destroyed.
If I knew how bad things would get in uni, I would've done anything in my power to have turned that into an actual relationship.
Why?
Did I not do as I was told?
Did I not make the "right" decisions?
I mostly did.
I studied HARD. I practiced martial arts since I was 7. Hell, I was even lucky to be tall. NONE of this mattered.
It took long to realize one of the most important things I really wanted is something that doesn't take ANY effort to aquire. Not initially at least.
How would you explain the 14 year old boys who are relationships?
Did they have to do literally ANYTHING?
No, they did not.
Their lies no longer phase me, they don't entertain me. They think I'm dumb enough to believe that it's all my fault.
It's not, not totally at least.
My biggest mistake was being born with the wrong face.
Being smart, having high IQ? Never mattered in my case.
Come to think of it, I always knew the BP intrinsically, that's why I did all I did, to change things.
But all of that change when I caught feelings for this girl in uni 1.5 years ago.
If you kept EVERYTHING about me the same, but swapped my head with that of one of these short pretty boys I see everyday, and replayed my life from 12 going forward, I guarantee you, I would've never found my way to this forum.
I have no hope of things improving after uni. All these women in here, and still nothing.
I'm tired of this hell.
My mind is too eroded and damaged now. Even if my looks suddenly improved, years of loneliness and stunted development has taken its toll.
I'm 21. There was a time when I thought about how I'd be like when I reached this age.
I used to think that things would be better for me in uni. But no. I have 1.5 years of uni left. And I'm still a kissless virgin. Going to work, uni, or just being in public forcefully exposes me to people around my age experiencing what I never could: intimacy.
Seeing them hold hands, laugh, have a good time, it hurts. What did I ever do to be undeserving of these things.
All the memories that never were...
How could I ever be a normal human after suffering as much as I have...being hated just for existing...just because I fall short of their expectations...it pains me.
I had a slim chance at teen love, but for reasons both in and out of my control (mostly out of my control) it got destroyed.
If I knew how bad things would get in uni, I would've done anything in my power to have turned that into an actual relationship.
Why?
Did I not do as I was told?
Did I not make the "right" decisions?
I mostly did.
I studied HARD. I practiced martial arts since I was 7. Hell, I was even lucky to be tall. NONE of this mattered.
It took long to realize one of the most important things I really wanted is something that doesn't take ANY effort to aquire. Not initially at least.
How would you explain the 14 year old boys who are relationships?
Did they have to do literally ANYTHING?
No, they did not.
Their lies no longer phase me, they don't entertain me. They think I'm dumb enough to believe that it's all my fault.
It's not, not totally at least.
My biggest mistake was being born with the wrong face.
Being smart, having high IQ? Never mattered in my case.
Come to think of it, I always knew the BP intrinsically, that's why I did all I did, to change things.
But all of that change when I caught feelings for this girl in uni 1.5 years ago.
If you kept EVERYTHING about me the same, but swapped my head with that of one of these short pretty boys I see everyday, and replayed my life from 12 going forward, I guarantee you, I would've never found my way to this forum.
I have no hope of things improving after uni. All these women in here, and still nothing.
I'm tired of this hell.
My mind is too eroded and damaged now. Even if my looks suddenly improved, years of loneliness and stunted development has taken its toll.
