It is truly awful to think of romantic scenarios, sexual scenarios, to imagine what is like to be liked on school and have a first time with a virgin girl, what is like to simply have a enjoyable hookup with someone, what is like to have a girlfriend to be with you at home while you two enjoy the presence of each other, what is like to satisfy a fetish with her complete permission to indulge in it to make you happy, it is indeed truly hard to see these slice of life or romantic stories that turn out well on anime, it is awful to see couples enjoying themselves while you rot lonely, bitter and more angry each day. Above all, it is sickening and suicide inducing to masturbate, cum and them see you naked body full of cum of yourself and think about the fact that instead of cumming inside a girlfriend/hookup or on her mouth and then you clean yourself at the shower knowing that most men are feeling sexually fulfilled while you just waste your cum and nutrients on it on masturbation, which drains you and makes you feel awful for wasting it on jerking off lying to your penis that you are getting laid. Is truly a very upsetting time to be alive, when you get to new year and remind that you are one year closer to death, while still on the same place, same loneliness, nothing to celebrate. You cry, you cry a lot, "THERE IS SOO MUCH TO BE DONE", but you cant find a way. a solution, you look for one, sometimes you try but it ends up in failure, sometimes you are not even the one to be blamed for it, it simply is a curse. On social media, you see these foids, be then younger or simply in their 20s, post on social media photos that turn you on, then in their feed and status they show themselves at some night party or hanging out on some place with a fuckboy or boyfriend, out of social media you cant seen to find a place to be, somewhere to go and simply FIND someone that will BE WITH you, these groups of friends are already fully engaged in their groups to have any interest in meeting someone new, let alone you, and what places can you go? On job there are only pretentious adults that outside of it already have their lives, wandering around on places doing cold approaches is seen as creepy and only puts you into danger and never works, going to clubs you knew about on internet always forces you to see the delight of night-life that others live without your presence, there you dont belong, you are a outcast and virgin that has nothing to celebrate for, no friends, "friendship is trash, is useless", you say to yourself, knowing that if you had a friend you could have more societal connections and more chances, or even a friend with benefits, but you dont, instead you just watch in pure envious anger young groups of friends and girls hanging out on shoppings and parks, you see egirls and think "fucking whores", but you wish they were whores to you, instead of nuns that reject your virginity; the nature seems nice, it is beautiful, some seasons and scenarios have perfect placements: The sun, the moon, the weather, the intense blue sky and the grey sky of an cold winter day, or simply autumm, you feel that a change is coming after being awake all night and seeing the sun rising slowly, the hour of lunch begins, you eat and then what? In these sunny or sunless afternoons, there is not really something to be done or a place to go to meet someone to have a chance with, at night it is already late and then you simply repeat the process, at night you think about roaming places, thinking that maybe someone will appear and change your life forever to something greater, more interesting, but you stay home and take a quick nap, before waking up and then after being awake the same proccess of hope in the morning begins: You feel like as if you lived a cycle, thinking of when will be your last summer, you know that your world will end in a gruesome and lonely way, alienated on feelings and dreams from everyone, what comforts you about suicide and death is the idea the maybe you will reincarnate someday, and on this far away life you will get the chance to know what is like to be part of something, to have meaningful friendships and, above all, first love or a first girlfriend, in a day of intense blue sky and sun you will hang out with her and she will be there looking at you, eating stuff on air-conditioned places with you and drinking whatever that seems tasty or sweet and on winter simply being close to her on special places, while coming home you get to have a very welcoming sex or fetish satisfaction with her once again, an embrace; on school, you are liked, indeed, you can concentrate on exams and watch anime without caring a lot for time, because you will already have everything at the right place, no longer the concern about job and about not ending up with a unsatisfied and badly lived life, this is the reincarnation you hope to have, but since it is unknown what happens if you die, you get more hopeless and desperate, you want to have a happy end, you want that these years of loneliness pay off and that that they were not for nothing, a dead end seems to be the only reality, those earlier times where you used to watch animes and used it to cope with the social exclusion at school while being hopeful cant be for nothing, the times you had a breakdown and cried to the void cant be for nothing, your dreams and ambitions should be achieved, you are waiting so long, you would do anything to achieve them yet you cant, you are powerless no matter how much you try, you have to accept but you just dont, you will never accept this, it is unfair, altough you know life is not fair, but it is not good, it is a disgrace that strong ambitions and plans end up being for nothing, you left not even a mark, a wasted life of valueless desires. You want that someday you will escape this never ending spiral of nothingness, you wish for something better to come or happen, maybe someday, this gives you a bit of hope, even if you know that it is unreachable, maybe we are stuck in this unhappy loop even if we reborn somehow, what is known is the certainty that this life, the only life we know we have, will likely not end well. For now, enjoying things like the smell of rain on the earth, longing, appreciating feelings that some anime express, drinking coffee, seeing the special weather of each season and their colors, sleeping when is possible and waiting and hoping are what is left to be done, with a obvious yet uncertain future ahead. I am a bystander, they live and i see it, can never be part of it, eats away at me but that is how it is. If one day i play persona 5 again (since i never ended it and sold it before it) i wanna be playing it on a period of my life where i have a girlfriend that genuinely likes me, have an stable source of income while living with her, i would indulge indulge in this future with her and also recall of all i did before her, this is the dream, the goal that needs to be achieved, it is there, but if i cant have it or reach it, i will die sooner, i know it; i think that, altough some of the thoughts that i have are very unique (i didnt described or put all of them here), i think that atleast this will and drive is something that certainly a lot of incels also have, which is a bonus. But, the present is unbearable without the ideal, vision, dream, this present is nothing, is just existing. Overall, it is left unfinished, it just stop spinning.
This opening still makes me emotional, the opening of my favorite animes too, including this one because i saw it when i was very young for the first time and at that time all i wanted was friends and a girlfriend THE MOST, i was too romantic and optimistic about my future, instead i dealt with bullying and gladly i used to defend myself in fights even though i was the only one alone fighting and even the whole school excluding, mocking and hating me; i always liked myself a lot and i still do, so this helped me to dealt with everything, i remember some bittersweet things that happened and i wish things were different, it would be much better if the plans i had then worked out, so adolescence came and i still remained the same way, now i still got new plans but nothing seems to work out, but i will see.
"I wanna see the stars with you
Over the miracle
It's not a dead end"
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_36iNzrEn0
This opening still makes me emotional, the opening of my favorite animes too, including this one because i saw it when i was very young for the first time and at that time all i wanted was friends and a girlfriend THE MOST, i was too romantic and optimistic about my future, instead i dealt with bullying and gladly i used to defend myself in fights even though i was the only one alone fighting and even the whole school excluding, mocking and hating me; i always liked myself a lot and i still do, so this helped me to dealt with everything, i remember some bittersweet things that happened and i wish things were different, it would be much better if the plans i had then worked out, so adolescence came and i still remained the same way, now i still got new plans but nothing seems to work out, but i will see.
"I wanna see the stars with you
Over the miracle
It's not a dead end"
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_36iNzrEn0
