CONTEXT: https://incels.is/threads/loneliness-is-starting-to-get-to-me-more-day-by-day.702934/
DISCLAIMER: No I am not suicidal, nor will I ever be. The idea of leeching off society and being a social parasite is lifefuel enough for me.
The other day I shut myself in a toilet cubicle at school (sixth form) and began thinking about how happy everyone around me was (especially those in relationships), and compared it to my own pitiful life. I cried immensely whilst I "spoke" to the toilet paper dispenser (no I am not schizophrenic - I was fully aware it was an inanimate object. I just needed something to focus on and speak my emotions to, inert object or otherwise) about my woes, fears, and grievances - almost all of which are directly correlated to factors I was born with and cannot control. I cried immensely.
Everything I described sounds ridiculous and irrational, because it is. If you were to go back even 6 months, I would not be caught dead acting in this manner. My loneliness and the nature of my situation has been something I have been habituated to for all my life, yet it seems that habituation and resistance has now entire dissipated - the result being my loneliness and its effects coming down upon me like a ton of bricks. I do not know if it is a result of the trauma I have endured, the stark contrast between the life of myself and the lives of those around me, or if it is the result of amplification of existing emotions by my ASD. Whatever is the case, the fact of the matter remains that this is consuming me like a disease. The hellish nature of my existence (I'm non-NT and come from an abusive curry household) has always been apparent to me, yet I have more or less endured until now. It is as if a "switch" has been flicked within me, resulting in my mental robustness completely shattering like a ceramic material under compression.
The complete and total lack of a significant other has resulted in me developing this mental gangrene, which is making me feel worse every day. I cannot even sit in a public setting (e.g. a classroom) without having a perpetually sorrowful and fearful expression on my face. I feel more and more anxious day by day. My appetite, sleep schedule, motivation, energy, and fatigue have already deviated to well outside normal levels. Hopefully it does not get any worse.
I sincerely hope none of you will ever have to experience any of this, and I sincerely hope this is an issue simply isolated to me and my circumstances.
DISCLAIMER: No I am not suicidal, nor will I ever be. The idea of leeching off society and being a social parasite is lifefuel enough for me.
The other day I shut myself in a toilet cubicle at school (sixth form) and began thinking about how happy everyone around me was (especially those in relationships), and compared it to my own pitiful life. I cried immensely whilst I "spoke" to the toilet paper dispenser (no I am not schizophrenic - I was fully aware it was an inanimate object. I just needed something to focus on and speak my emotions to, inert object or otherwise) about my woes, fears, and grievances - almost all of which are directly correlated to factors I was born with and cannot control. I cried immensely.
Everything I described sounds ridiculous and irrational, because it is. If you were to go back even 6 months, I would not be caught dead acting in this manner. My loneliness and the nature of my situation has been something I have been habituated to for all my life, yet it seems that habituation and resistance has now entire dissipated - the result being my loneliness and its effects coming down upon me like a ton of bricks. I do not know if it is a result of the trauma I have endured, the stark contrast between the life of myself and the lives of those around me, or if it is the result of amplification of existing emotions by my ASD. Whatever is the case, the fact of the matter remains that this is consuming me like a disease. The hellish nature of my existence (I'm non-NT and come from an abusive curry household) has always been apparent to me, yet I have more or less endured until now. It is as if a "switch" has been flicked within me, resulting in my mental robustness completely shattering like a ceramic material under compression.
The complete and total lack of a significant other has resulted in me developing this mental gangrene, which is making me feel worse every day. I cannot even sit in a public setting (e.g. a classroom) without having a perpetually sorrowful and fearful expression on my face. I feel more and more anxious day by day. My appetite, sleep schedule, motivation, energy, and fatigue have already deviated to well outside normal levels. Hopefully it does not get any worse.
I sincerely hope none of you will ever have to experience any of this, and I sincerely hope this is an issue simply isolated to me and my circumstances.
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