if theres anything i regret, its being a loud mouth. the thing is ive never been one to spout out my emotions. ive kept it bottled in until i turned 18 and realized that all my suffering should be shared with my family members so ive been continuously messaging, and calling my parents and family and letting them know its all their fault im like this and how im gonna kill myself if they dont aid me in getting surgery.
what ive realized from doing this is based off my own mental health. since i never got any social validation or emotional support other than being yelled at by my parents when i do something wrong and having to stare at a wall for 8 hours or having to do 1000 pushups as punishment or when my mom slapped me while i was driving etc etc is that since ive been through these things in the years where my brain is developing ive come to realize that any social interaction or attention i receieve whether its negative or positive is a good thing for me. this is why i do and say the things i do, because when i say these crazy things to my parents their focus becomes all on me and i finally get to feel like i finally exist.
im not saying i was invisible in middle/highschool because i wasnt, the attention and social interactions ive had as a kid were terrible and i was always a bully victim. but my heart is so desperate for stability it doesnt even know what to do anymore.
anyways back to the topic, the reason why im saying stay silent is because the last thing youd want from your friends and family is for them to say
"oh i expected it" if you ever do something "irrational" in the future.
because of the things that ive done so far, my parents wont be shocked if i did anything "out of the ordinary" because some of my family members seriously think im mentally ill and want me to be locked up in a psych ward. which they dont know im just getting started im gonna make sure i scare the shit out of them when i get back from my trip and go back to the states.
what ive realized from doing this is based off my own mental health. since i never got any social validation or emotional support other than being yelled at by my parents when i do something wrong and having to stare at a wall for 8 hours or having to do 1000 pushups as punishment or when my mom slapped me while i was driving etc etc is that since ive been through these things in the years where my brain is developing ive come to realize that any social interaction or attention i receieve whether its negative or positive is a good thing for me. this is why i do and say the things i do, because when i say these crazy things to my parents their focus becomes all on me and i finally get to feel like i finally exist.
im not saying i was invisible in middle/highschool because i wasnt, the attention and social interactions ive had as a kid were terrible and i was always a bully victim. but my heart is so desperate for stability it doesnt even know what to do anymore.
anyways back to the topic, the reason why im saying stay silent is because the last thing youd want from your friends and family is for them to say
"oh i expected it" if you ever do something "irrational" in the future.
because of the things that ive done so far, my parents wont be shocked if i did anything "out of the ordinary" because some of my family members seriously think im mentally ill and want me to be locked up in a psych ward. which they dont know im just getting started im gonna make sure i scare the shit out of them when i get back from my trip and go back to the states.
