[pardon me for my imperfect English]
For context, I am a näive Malay-Java-Siam-Keralite 'ethnic' (I identify myself as Malay ethnic since it is my main ethnicity), 18 years old girl from Malaysia. I have never been to the West world in my entire life and has always been curious of life in the western hemisphere, besides being exposed to Hollywood on TV for many years. Since I was a small child, my family and I have always been fascinated by caucasian, English people and people who just speak English fluently with American or British accent. Here, the term "mat salleh" or "orang putih" refers to white/caucasian people, and if you have association to "mat salleh" , you will be seen as highly regarded by society, for example like your face, friends ,etc. (My country was colonized by the British Empire for centuries)
It was one of the times when I am stuck at home with family and have ever since wondered what outside world looks like. So I came to know reddit as a platform where people around the world anonymously interact with each other in terms of their personal interests. I was very excited because there are many westerners there, and images of Hollywood scenes was springing in my mind ! (yea i was very stupid to closely associate entertainment media and real life)
So I had this superficial view that all caucasian people are gentlemen and manly and in all aspects better.
I like selfies so I posted some selfies on reddit. (While engaging in other subreddits too).
In sometime later, some men messaged me.
To simplify most of conversation:
"hey bby you look exotic"
"owh thank you"
(I thought that being called exotic is an honor and compliment)
"where are you from?"
"Malaysia"
"Oh cool......do you like white guys?"
"Umm yeah I do
The guy then proceed to sent me an imgur link
"This is me
I opened the link and saw his face but usually accompanied with..... private parts.
The guy : "I wish you can be with me now bby on the bed"
"Where are you from?"
"US"
(Usually its going to be from US or UK)
And it was not just once but from many guys. Hundred of messages per week. There were some that appeared to be professional at first but suddenly talked about beds. And I admit that at first I tried to entertain them out of my taught asian value to always entertain guests.
"Have you ever kissed?"
"No I don't."
"Not even sex?"
"No I don't"
"I would love to make you lose your virginity. Most girls here are not virgin anymore and you turn me on..."
I entertained them more and more until the point where they wanted my nudes so much. I was just very fascinated by white guys.
Then I deleted my first reddit account. Too much to handle from hundreds of creepy users.
Fast forward to almost one month later, I created a new reddit account. I contributed to subreddits of my personal interests. I also posted some selfies on selfies sub out of boredom. I fully expected the cycle to be broken.
There were nice caucasian guys, I wouldn't argue that. Nice asian guys too. All from Western world. We talked about interesting stuffs like schools, hobbies and so on. However, some who approached me are the insane ones. Those who actually ask me to adopt western lifestyle and values so that I can be with them.
The cycle was not broken. A much more insane guy came in:
Something like,
"Tight asian girls are meant for us big white ****, isn't it?"
And to those guys that I did not suspect much, we exchanged snapchat id. Turns out one of them was a psycopath who stalked my other social medias and threatened me to send him nudes of mine. He declined to tell me where did he come from. But I knew that time when I exchanged my snapchat id to redditors, all of them were somewhere from west. I suspected it was that white american teacher. He somehow prefers asians in his dating preference. This whole thing taught me to not give anyone my social media easily.
An american guy approached me and we exchanged snapchat. He complimented me like a gentleman. We talked about many things. He is a doctor. He is a very charming, fit handsome guy. I am a physics student. And I was very attracted to him. He likes asians. And we talked subtle dirty. And so on snapchat, he was suddenly, passionate enough to send a lot of nudes of him. Also sent videos of him doind s** with many girls. He forced me to send him some. I rejected and he was mad at me for not making him cum when he was close to cum when we talk. Then the next day when he cummed, he said that I should not talk to him anymore. He said that he doesn't want me to be attached to him because I am from different culture and place. He said I should not hold my expectation high because he will not going to be with me. He said that I should not text him anymore but he will still check out my profile. I was so sad. So I was there only to make him cum?
And so, I deleted my reddit account again. Because not one, but tons of guys came to me like that. Fast forward to some months later, I created a new account. Now I am fully aware that there are such people on internet and I should not hold my expectations high.
The problem is, I am very quick to be facsinated by caucasian guys all over again. It has been ingrained in me since my childhood in my local spaces including friends and families - 'marry a white guy when you grow up'. 'white guys are the most handsome'. 'i want a blue eye blond hair boyfriend!' Plus the hollywood effect and beauty standard of masculinity. And recently kpop. I have been taught since young that only white, arabs, persian guys (basically caucasians) and kpop guys are handsome.
Those who marry caucasian people are seen to be raised a few standards above than local people here, especially southeast asian region.
As time goes on, the more I interact with caucasian people on reddit, I have become a self - hating asian, wishing that I can be a western, caucasian girl instead. I wake up everyday wishing I am white. I always think that an average white girl will always be prettier than an average asian girl. I am active on selfies subs and was active on rate me subs, only to find that mostly caucasian girls get all the positive comments and usually the top rated 8-10 girls are caucasian girls. I have not seen any asian girls, even so native like me ,to get attention much and complimented for beauty. Maybe only on subs that heavily focus on asian girls but they are usually nfsw and involve porn and fetishization.
I posted on rateme to get rated ranging from below average and average, and some who rate me above average were called "simps" and were called as "lying". Those who rated me above average had their comment downvoted.
I hated myself even more for who I was born as.
"Why can't I be a caucasian girl? Life is not fair. I want to be pretty too".
The more I explore about interracial datings on the internet, the more I was exposed to yellow fever and WMAF. It explains things that happened to me : they only want me for their pleasure.
But like I said, I cannot stop being fascinated by caucasian guys. I am hungry for validation and their attention. Sometimes I even have thought of becoming their love slaves or maids. My mind has gotten sick to the point that I wouldn't mind to be their pleasure. It is difficult to reverse this mindset. People here rever caucasian people by default. My self hating asian mindset has gotten stronger than my confidence and it is killing me internally in my everyday life, making me unable to be productive for the day. Everyday I mostly sleep and would fantasize of them. Sometimes I have also considered surgery to appear with caucasian features especially my jaw and nose and bigger boobs and butts, but I just quickly brush off that thinking. (I am quite a conservative person and wouldn't do surgery anyway).
But I am guilty of the fetishization too.
(P/s : I am trying my best to love and embrace my identity for who I am, and it has gotten quite better since I do not view caucasian people as such anymore, but I am not healed completely, for example, my insecurities are still in me.)
Just lol, absolute mental illness
@SlayerSlayer
