I just can't be happy it seems. Something bad always happens and I end up feeling the way I feel now. I've tried so hard with everything because it's my senior year at high school, and all it has gotten me is heart ache and misery... 7 girls I've talked to and tried to start something with this year, failed every time. Never even tried before that, always been to much of a pussy. Most of those girls I've tried to get with don't even go to my school either, so they don't know how much of a fucking pathetic invisible loser everyone at my school thinks I am. Invisible to everyone but bullies, I mean. And every time it ends, and I fail, I feel the exact same agony I felt the other times, rejection DOES NOT GET EASIER IF ITS ALL YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED. Can't believe I used to believe the douchebag "bro talkers" on youtube when I was younger. Every time I think things are going well with a girl, they either stop talking to me for days or cancel planned hangouts. (Not dates)
I KNOW that I will never find anyone, that things will not change, despite what dumbasses want to tell high schoolers in an attempt to make them feel better. I wish I owned a gun so bad. I would kill myself tonight if I did. And I know people will say "If you wanted to be dead you wouldn't need a gun", and they are right. But I'm too chickenshit to cut my wrist or hang myself or jump off a building. It's those few seconds or minutes when you know death is inevitable, when your either bleeding out, not able to breath, or falling through the air, that scare the shit out of me. With a gun it's the pull of a trigger and then BANG. It's over.
Saw a play preformed by kids at my high school tonight. Enjoyed it, but I sat alone. Probably won't go to a social event for the rest of my time in high school, or probably ever actually.
I KNOW that I will never find anyone, that things will not change, despite what dumbasses want to tell high schoolers in an attempt to make them feel better. I wish I owned a gun so bad. I would kill myself tonight if I did. And I know people will say "If you wanted to be dead you wouldn't need a gun", and they are right. But I'm too chickenshit to cut my wrist or hang myself or jump off a building. It's those few seconds or minutes when you know death is inevitable, when your either bleeding out, not able to breath, or falling through the air, that scare the shit out of me. With a gun it's the pull of a trigger and then BANG. It's over.
Saw a play preformed by kids at my high school tonight. Enjoyed it, but I sat alone. Probably won't go to a social event for the rest of my time in high school, or probably ever actually.
