SuicideFuel [+story] have any of you guys genuinely fallen in love?

[Fuckmyexistence]

like i know it sounds cringy, but i know the reason some guys are incel is because of puberty.

Like she didnt have to love you back, but the feeling im talking about is that innocent feeling of genuine love as a kid, loving a girl at school or one you mightve seen in public, and having that weird feeling in your heart as it picks up pace, and skips a beat, all that innocence, all that naivete fuck, ive been feeling like that all day ever since i dreamt about this one girl i fell in love with when i was 11, id like to think she liked me back, idk tho. Its stuck in my head now because she appeared in my dream last night and its not going, she's taking tyrone dick now btw, this 9/10 colombian chick that i liked and came so close to...

but its such a good feeling when youre experiencing it. Fuck its such a bluepilled feeling, and the things id do to experience that and not know about inceldom and the blackpill and all that shit because its changed me forever.

and to think that this is what chad feels everyday is killing me inside and the fact that ill likely never be able to experience it fully with a girl, the only thing i can experience now is wallowing in my depression and self pity, FUCK THIS WORLD, AND FUCK EVERYONE IN IT.

guys im literally so close to roping rn.

im just gonna have a little drink to myself now...

 

[SmugMohito]

I had a "friend" I was in love with.

She was mentally insane. If she ever found out my feelings (and if this incel thing caught on before she moved away) she would have tortured me to near suicide.

 

[fuck chad]

There was one girl I got close with at my work. She told me she liked me and I almost got a date with her but then she flipped on me and completely rejected me by posting pics on instagram with some chad knowing that I would see them and said she didnt want to talk to me anymore or else I might "get the wrong idea" whatever the fuck that means. I really hope the bitch dies shes a dumb fucking cunt and played me hard.
It really made me want to rope

 

[Ser0]

Never I don't experience such thing. I can find 'things and she's' pretty and enjoy them. For me to "fall in love" I need to make a decision. For me it's a choice. If I think it's worth investing and we would both gain something from it, I would decide to trust and depend on that other person and be loyal.

 

[Fuckmyexistence]

Never I don't experience such thing. I can find 'things and she's' pretty and enjoy them. For me to "fall in love" I need to make a decision. For me it's a choice. If I think it's worth investing and we would both gain something from it, I would decide to trust and depend on that other person and be loyal.

the only reason i fell in love with this girl is because i felt as though i had a chance with her, else i couldnt give less of a fuck, i came close to kissing her and all that, she liked me, however puberty hit and i went from a decent looking kid to a depressed fuckup, now i couldnt have a chance in a million years with her.

 

[Robinxyz]

I'm old. If I ever did I don't even remember anymore. I see women as sexual objects.

 

[Fuckmyexistence]

I'm old. If I ever did I don't even remember anymore. I see women as sexual objects.

man thats pretty tragic, its kinda like hell

 

[Akkadian]

Of course, never again tho

 

[Sheogorath]

she didnt have to love you back

I feel like if a girl confessed to me it would just be to fuck with my head.

Terrified of falling in love with a girl who doesn't care about me and just wants to exploit me.

 

[Intellau_Celistic]

Like she didnt have to love you back, but the feeling im talking about is that innocent feeling of genuine love as a kid, loving a girl at school or one you mightve seen in public, and having that weird feeling in your heart as it picks up pace, and skips a beat, all that innocence, all that naivete fuck, ive been feeling like that all day ever since i dreamt about this one girl i fell in love with when i was 11, id like to think she liked me back, idk tho. Its stuck in my head now because she appeared in my dream last night and its not going, she's taking tyrone dick now btw, this 9/10 colombian chick that i liked and came so close to...

Fiction:

The protagonist of our story is a man named "Aspie John" and involves a woman named "Anxious Jane".

Aspie John meets Anxious Jane in "High School".

Anxious Jane is in Special Ed for severe anxiety, and so is Aspie John. Aspie John and Anxious Jane appear to have some mutual attraction at times, given Anxious Jane would always make the same "anxious" hand-fiddling gestures as Aspie John.

Anxious Jane, however, always manages to next to the tallest kid in the room, which is odd given he sits alone in an otherwise empty row of desks. When Tall Kid helps the teacher pick up classroom litter, Anxious Jane suddenly bolts up and quickly joins them. Aspie John remains seated due to anxiety. After some time, Tall Kid starts to sit with other kids in the classroom, leaving Anxious Jane sitting alone each day. He sits across from Aspie John.

Three years later...

Aspie John and Anxious Jane are in different Special Ed classrooms. Anxious Jane speaks of wanting to be in a "relationship" with Aspie John. There is a catch, however: Anxious Jane regularly wears ponytails and make-up for the Tall Kid in her new classroom. She would flirt with this man in class(Which frustrated her teacher) and would also chat with him over text and social media, all while sometimes making friendly gestures towards Aspie John in passing through the hallway.

On a certain occasion, though, Aspie John encounters Anxious Jane in a hospital lab waiting room. Anxious Jane makes gestures towards Aspie John. Aspie John, being a very coy man, is reluctant to approach Anxious Jane. As he prepares to approach her, he recalls her heavy flirtation with Tall Kid in her new classroom. He also remembers hearing her teacher say, "Why is Anxious Jane flirting with Tall Kid? She already has a boyfriend."

He then decides to ignore her and covers himself with a hoodie.

A few days later, Aspie John overhears a teacher speaking of himself and Anxious Jane - "He's so sensitive! Oh my goodness! They were just joking!" - Note that this is after months of flirting and closeness between Anxious Jane and Tall Kid. Shortly after that, Anxious Jane flirts with Tall Kid in her classroom, telling him "P-Please don't call my phone number".

An interesting story of "signals" and cues, yes?

Correct. Let me continue with the story of Aspie John:

In Special Ed, Aspie John was referred to the school psychologist. The school psychologist, who also saw Anxious Jane, encouraged Aspie John to speak to Anxious Jane.

"You should speak to Jane!"(S.P)

"I'm not sure..."(A.J)

"Try speaking to Anxious Jane! She would love to have someone to speak to!"(S.P)

"Okay, I think I'll try..."(A.J)

Aspie John would go home anxiously each day and think incessantly of his fellow classmates. He would feel very, depressed, jittery and uncomfortable due to a restless mind. Thinking of Anxious Jane only worsened it.

The teacher criticized Aspie John several times for his inability to socialize with Anxious Jane, who had little problem socializing with kids at social clubs she attended. She would criticize Aspie John's statements of "Managing his classroom anxiety" yet constantly gave Anxious Jane exemptions for her inability to recount her night(The teacher would ask everyone about it daily).

Furthermore, Anxious Jane was desired by nearly every male in the class. Aspie John was ignored to the extent of needing the teacher(Or, on one occasion, the Hispanic kid) to do class activities. One boy quickly sat near Anxious Jane and wrapped his arms around her during a class project.

"Jane, It's okay sweetie. Come pair with me."

As for the "speaking", Anxious Jane's hand-fiddling gestures, as well as her decision to mimic several of Aspie John's other avoidant behaviors, led to criticism from the Phys. Ed teacher, who said:

"Jane was playing with her hands instead of working on her activities. I think we have a dynamic there. Keep that in check."

Anxious Jane then frowned at Aspie John and started coming to school without her glasses(To impress Tall Kid).

Aspie John was also switched to other classroom duties after Anxious Jane wrote her "message" to him via homework.

A certain (respectable) Hispanic boy said of Jane:

"Is Jane still going to be in our classroom?"(He asked this after Aspie John was told that he would remain in the current classroom; unprovoked information)

"No. She'll be switched into the other classroom."(Teacher)

Anxious Jane stopped coming to school until she was switched into another classroom for reasons unknown to Aspie John. She was, of course, shifting to Option #1: Tall Kid.

Our dear protagonist, Aspie John, enjoys another day during his stint in class when he encounters a new kid: Short Morena.

Short Morena is a depressed, somewhat anxious girl of about fifteen-years of age with bipolar disorder. She has mood swings, chronic migraines and a clear distaste for vain youth, much like Aspie John. He also notices her similar self-harm behaviors. They do not immediately chat, however.

After a month or so, Aspie John develops an attraction to Short Morena, since she is humble, serious and non-flirtatious, something quite different from the behavior/personality of Anxious Jane. The two participate in a gym activity with the Phys. Ed teacher, during which Short Morena grabs Aspie John's hand to help him cross the web used for the activity. He thanks her and the two receive praise from the Phys Ed. teacher for working together. In another gym activity involving sports, she offers advice to Aspie John as he struggles to push a puck with a stick due to his motor coordination problems.

Short Morena begins to greet Aspie John, which he responds to with "Hello". Days go on, and Short Morena asks Aspie John if he wishes to play a game with her, since he sits alone daily and stutters, which he declines. One day, the class prepares to go outside for a walk, which causes Short Morena to speak to Aspie John:

"Shouldn't you get your jacket, Aspie John?"

"Yes, I think I should..."

Short Morena then informs the teacher, and Aspie John gets his coat. It is, after all, a very cold day in March 2016. A day or so later, a new kid joins the class, Unkind Blondie. Unkind Blondie argues with other classroom kids over something fairly meaningless, and is sent to a new classroom as a result. After the argument, Short Morena asks Aspie John:

"Were you bothered by the class argument?"

"No, I was not"

"Okay"

The two enter the school lobby in preparation to leave, and Short Morena asks Aspie John, "Did you have a good day?", which he replies "Yes" to. She then says, "I see your ride outside", and Aspie John leaves.

Gradually, Aspie John becomes deeply attracted to Short Morena and finds himself heavy with anxiety at the thought of seeing her each day. He takes note of her problems as she speaks to the teacher and notes statements such as "I feel like a disgusting bipolar girl". The teachers says "She has a flat affect", which Aspie John is already aware of. He starts to envision himself chatting with her about various different things, even though it pains him since stutters and is too anxious to form a friendship with her.

Soon, Aspie John learns that Short Morena will be moving and transferring to a different school soon, which greatly saddens him. He also stays home for several days due to his encounter with Anxious Jane in the hospital waiting room. Upon returning to school, he participates in a class game with the other students, a game of Mad-Libs. That day is also Short Morena's last day of school.

As Aspie John starts to relay his answers to the class, Short Morena starts laughing happily at each answer and votes for him when the teacher asks the class which student provided the best answers, which causes him to become very jittery from anxiety yet calm.

As the two students leave class, Short Morena says "Bye, Aspie John" in a kind tone to Aspie John, which causes him to reply with a calm "Ok". He is grateful to have met her, though he knows she views him only as someone to be pitied for his illnesses.

The very next day, however:

"I think Aspie John was extremely hurt when we discussed the behavior of Anxious Jane and Tall Kid. He was covering himself up with a hoodie upon seeing her."

"He's so sensitive! Oh my goodness! They were just joking!"

"If Aspie John wanted someone more like him, why didn't he just..."

The other kids in the classroom then start whispering about it and Aspie John overhears them, filling him with shame and embarrassment. He still misses Short Morena. Days before school graduation, Aspie John overhears two teachers discussing him and Anxious Jane:

"So, Anxious Jane is graduating soon"

"When Anxious Jane realizes how difficult it will be to communicate with Aspie John, she'll be crying"

"No, I think she'll be okay. She has plenty of friends and support"

Upon hearing this, two students sitting in the front row of Aspie John, a boy and a girl, whisper and immediately afterwards say to one another:

"Hi Mulatto Boy" - To an autistic child

"Hi Mulatta Girl"

Aspie John assumes they are laughing at him, as he is already anxious and very depressed on this particular day, given he has ASD-related attachment. He has no actual intention to "reconcile" with Anxious Jane, since she has a clear preference for "high status" White males. When a teacher asks him of his opinion of his time in the classroom, he simply responds with "Ambivalent".

As Aspie John leaves his classroom for the final time, the teacher provides him with copies of each homework sheet he submitted. Aspie John is very grateful and thanks him before leaving, with slightly teary eyes not visible to the teacher.

The story is now revived:

Aspie John, our dear protagonist, was always the insecure child of the classes he joined. He felt uncomfortable in the presence of tall, older males and felt discomfort among the femoids who coveted them.

A.J felt discomfort when Tyrone spoke about walking four miles daily. He felt discomfort when Tall White Kid kept a pack of cigarettes in his pocket and still earned a sit-by from Anxious Jane. He felt discomfort when Anxious Jane returned to school without her glasses to impress Tall White Kid. He was an insecure aspie who felt the need to prove himself against all those "opponents" and more.

There was a class switch. A new child joined Aspie John's class: Joshua. He was 13-years of age, blonde, 5'4 compared to Aspie John's 5'2, and obviously intelligent. For a time, Aspie John felt intimidated by Joshua's wisdom and reasoning abilities. At times, the two would raise their hands and subtly "compete". Joshua once complimented Aspie John for his attempt at building a house of cards.

The next child to join was "Jacques", a 5'2 Black boy about 12-years of age. He was highly considerate of Aspie John's anxiety and made sure to speak to him. He'd also sit by him daily.

"Aspie John, how are you today?"

"Aspie John, they weren't letting you participate, were they?"(The "Sheboons" in Aspie John's class did not like his help)

"Aspie John, do you want some of my Halloween candy?"(Aspie John's (then) religion prevented him from participating in Halloween; he declined)

Even so, Aspie John chose to keep his impending class switch hidden from Jacques, given his extreme discomfort in the class and his problems with the other Black youth present. He'd clean the black pencil case with hand sanitizer and hand wipes to distract himself from his low sense of self-worth.

Years later....

Aspie John's budding companionship with Short Morena is interrupted by the appearance of a new male: Mulatto Boy.

Mulatto Boy was nearly 16-years of age, 5'5, autistic, calm, and on-par with Aspie John in terms of intellect and subjects of interest. Aspie John immediately felt the discomfort of previous years return.

As the days went on, it was evident Mulatto Boy had taken a liking to Short Morena. He started offering advice to Short Morena for her flawed thinking, something Aspie John had desired to do for months. The two made eye contact and briefly debated politics as the stutterer Aspie John watched from the sidelines, unable to participate due to severe social anxiety. A.J felt like an undesirable child once again.

Aspie John was 15-years-old and 5'3. Each day, he'd anxiously sit in his living room and wait for the van driver to arrive, constantly shifting between sitting down while shaking and checking the window for the van driver's presence. In the van, he would listen to "rap music" on the way to group therapy.

As he entered the building, he anxiously walked towards the group room, fiddling with his hands. He would keep his eyes faced towards the floor and pick an unsigned goal sheet before sitting down.

Aspie John is walking to the dinner tray rack of the psych ward he currently resides in, when he notices a familiar face: Anxious Jane.

It is customary for volunteers and nurses to hand patients their trays, but Anxious Jane ignores Aspie John. As he prepares to grab his tray, Anxious Jane quickly walks towards him, makes hand-fiddling gestures and says, "What's your name?" in a mocking tone. She then briefly reads his bracelet and grabs his tray, holding it forcefully as he tries to take it from her.

Aspie John steps back and waits for a few moments without saying anything. He then walks up and gently takes the tray from Anxious Jane's hands, thanking her in the process.

She makes hand-fiddling gestures one more time. He responds with "I hope you have a nice day" and walks off.

 

[LeFrenchCel]

Several times, before I was blackpilled

 

[depressedblackcel]

In terms of truly falling in love like three times. One black girl that was light skin, a latina girl but she looked white and was kinda chubby, and a white blond. Brutally rejected on all 3 occasions when I had the courage to push things further. Never again though.

 

[NorwoodVictim]

Everytime some foid gives me attention for more than 10 seconds