This relates to me a lot. I think my ED stems back from childhood - I was bullied for my weight and developed this bizarre correlation in my mind with being attractive and thin = people liking me = boys wanting me. Really, not the sort of thing a child should be worrying about. I've gotten past the "being thin" obsession - i've been thin before and was still just skinnyfat. Now i've realised what men actually want is a woman who is fit and lean and toned. I despise my body for being so disgustingly skinnyfat. It doesn't matter that i'm not fat anymore, because no man could ever want me when my body is still so utterly repulsive and mediocre.
I'm constantly getting into fights with my boyfriend because i'm upset and having breakdowns over my appearance. Every time he compliments me, I just hear this weird buzzing in my head and feel this grating sensation inside my skull. I'm half convinced he's repulsed by me because I know for a fact no other men find me attractive, so why would he? I'm split between believing he might be in denial, just has low standards, and actually believes I make his dick hard or whatever, to that he actually does find me gross and can only stand having sex with me at all just because he's getting his dick wet.
Sorry, this did turn into a bit of a vent, but your post really resonated with me. It's hard to find other people with disordered eating or body image relating to the same reasons as my own - ie, men's approval, or, being attractive, in one regard or another. It's weirdly comforting because I always feel so shallow acknowledging it, like there's something so inherently wrong with me for thinking this way, when other eating disordered people are victims of sex abuse or have OCD-like compulsions or whatever. Mine is completely rooted in a strong desire to be attractive, and to have approval from other people, especially men, by being as such
