H
I was going to post this as a few different ones, but I figured put it into a point by point posting.
Today started off feeling well enough. I saw my counselor. I enjoy seeing her, and have even thought about fucking her time to time, she's older, I don't think she's married, and could see myself fucking her. I don't think it's going to happen, but I have thought about it. I think she might be getting understandably frustrated. This isn't a slam or complaint against her, but every time I see her I keep bringing the same stuff up, the loneliness, the getting older and this hasn't changed, the wanting to be in a relationship, on that note, was finally going to let it all out and talk about the long lack of sex/love/dating/the relationships thing/the social environment/and my own ways of navigating all that and figuring it out, plus the excessive porn use over the years and how that probably hasn't helped. Anyways, All this, the depression, the loneliness, the no ltr, like it's all this talk and no change. I have been on this tunnel vision/auto pilot thing a long time. The feelings of isolation/rejection/lack of validation and the issues on that issue another thing I need to bring up, see for some fucked up reason, growing up, I got the idea that the opposite of the normal social experience was the way. Like a fuck everybody what do they know they're just followers way, I still feel that way alot, but it's left me miserable, alone, and lonely a long time. Like I might have a few days off, but it's like a social/emotional withdrawal. Anyways.
So one thing we have talked about was going to AA meetings. I don't drink anymore, haven't in a long time, but I still have a lot of emotional baggage around that and things related to it. I was going to go to a meeting tonight, but decided not too for a reason, went to a movie I had been looking forward too, 50th anniversary of 2001:A Space Odyssey, and more on that.
So I left there. Got on the train, and almost like lost my shit. When you're a mix of anger/depression/loneliness, certain things trigger you. There was this one couple all lovey dovey and she says to him "I love that jacket on you babe." I wanted to punch someone. Yeah. This shit does that to me. Then the train comes, and there's this IR couple on there. I don't like seeing that, blacks with white girls. I try not too be like that, but when I am in a mood, this shit feels 10,000,000 times more heavier.
So then, in between deciding whether to go to the meeting or the movie, I go to a place I had enjoyed for years going to. It's a shopping area let's say. For years, I'd go to this place and like try to take my mind off of things. For the past year or so, that ain't been happening. This area is more normie fucking central and I fucking hate it. Every time I am there like I want to do all sorts of bad fucked up shit. Like either beating the shit out of everyone or deliberately creeping everyone the fuck out or saying every fucked up thing out loud. So I think I can't go to this area anymore for a long time. It's an area where if I heard someone went full ER or pulled a Minassian, which I am hoping to fuck does, it would make me so fucking happy. I used to look forward to going to this place, now I am left with nothing but misery when I do. Like I sometimes feel the only way I could get a relief is to like violently beat the shit out of someone or hurt them. Not like a random attack, although, maybe, but the wrong person says the wrong thing to me or looks at me, and I just unleash on them with like a bat or crowbar.
Then, when looking in a well known store, I saw this fucking faggot soy boy nu male subhuman beta faggot cuck whatever with a girl. I was ready to throw him through a window. Throw him off the escalator and laugh as he falls to this death. Again, when in this mood, this is what I go through. This is why I am trying to get on meds to help with this shit.
Then on the way to other train, there was this asian dude with a white girl, I wanted to slam his head into the wall.
I often take St.Johns wort, a vitamin, it helps with these moods. It doesn't cure them, but it helps. So I took some and was able to calm way the fuck down.
So I go to the movie, it was great. Restored print, great visuals.
But the crowd, holy fuck, how do you "ruin" the experience of something like 2001? It was this mix, old dumb hippie fucking morons who thought it was still 1968, normie assholes stacy cunts bros in backwards hats, bearded fuck snobs, everyone was with someone, I was alone, it was emotional hell. Part of me thought, "Yeah, what if I could do something", I'll leave it at that. They asked these fucks to actually put their phones away, they did, until this one cunt who should have been strangled and thrown over the balcony pulled it out. Seriously, that should happen to more people.
So yeah, I can't even go to the movies, something I've always loved doing, anymore cause this shit is there. So yeah fuck everyone.
Today started off feeling well enough. I saw my counselor. I enjoy seeing her, and have even thought about fucking her time to time, she's older, I don't think she's married, and could see myself fucking her. I don't think it's going to happen, but I have thought about it. I think she might be getting understandably frustrated. This isn't a slam or complaint against her, but every time I see her I keep bringing the same stuff up, the loneliness, the getting older and this hasn't changed, the wanting to be in a relationship, on that note, was finally going to let it all out and talk about the long lack of sex/love/dating/the relationships thing/the social environment/and my own ways of navigating all that and figuring it out, plus the excessive porn use over the years and how that probably hasn't helped. Anyways, All this, the depression, the loneliness, the no ltr, like it's all this talk and no change. I have been on this tunnel vision/auto pilot thing a long time. The feelings of isolation/rejection/lack of validation and the issues on that issue another thing I need to bring up, see for some fucked up reason, growing up, I got the idea that the opposite of the normal social experience was the way. Like a fuck everybody what do they know they're just followers way, I still feel that way alot, but it's left me miserable, alone, and lonely a long time. Like I might have a few days off, but it's like a social/emotional withdrawal. Anyways.
So one thing we have talked about was going to AA meetings. I don't drink anymore, haven't in a long time, but I still have a lot of emotional baggage around that and things related to it. I was going to go to a meeting tonight, but decided not too for a reason, went to a movie I had been looking forward too, 50th anniversary of 2001:A Space Odyssey, and more on that.
So I left there. Got on the train, and almost like lost my shit. When you're a mix of anger/depression/loneliness, certain things trigger you. There was this one couple all lovey dovey and she says to him "I love that jacket on you babe." I wanted to punch someone. Yeah. This shit does that to me. Then the train comes, and there's this IR couple on there. I don't like seeing that, blacks with white girls. I try not too be like that, but when I am in a mood, this shit feels 10,000,000 times more heavier.
So then, in between deciding whether to go to the meeting or the movie, I go to a place I had enjoyed for years going to. It's a shopping area let's say. For years, I'd go to this place and like try to take my mind off of things. For the past year or so, that ain't been happening. This area is more normie fucking central and I fucking hate it. Every time I am there like I want to do all sorts of bad fucked up shit. Like either beating the shit out of everyone or deliberately creeping everyone the fuck out or saying every fucked up thing out loud. So I think I can't go to this area anymore for a long time. It's an area where if I heard someone went full ER or pulled a Minassian, which I am hoping to fuck does, it would make me so fucking happy. I used to look forward to going to this place, now I am left with nothing but misery when I do. Like I sometimes feel the only way I could get a relief is to like violently beat the shit out of someone or hurt them. Not like a random attack, although, maybe, but the wrong person says the wrong thing to me or looks at me, and I just unleash on them with like a bat or crowbar.
Then, when looking in a well known store, I saw this fucking faggot soy boy nu male subhuman beta faggot cuck whatever with a girl. I was ready to throw him through a window. Throw him off the escalator and laugh as he falls to this death. Again, when in this mood, this is what I go through. This is why I am trying to get on meds to help with this shit.
Then on the way to other train, there was this asian dude with a white girl, I wanted to slam his head into the wall.
I often take St.Johns wort, a vitamin, it helps with these moods. It doesn't cure them, but it helps. So I took some and was able to calm way the fuck down.
So I go to the movie, it was great. Restored print, great visuals.
But the crowd, holy fuck, how do you "ruin" the experience of something like 2001? It was this mix, old dumb hippie fucking morons who thought it was still 1968, normie assholes stacy cunts bros in backwards hats, bearded fuck snobs, everyone was with someone, I was alone, it was emotional hell. Part of me thought, "Yeah, what if I could do something", I'll leave it at that. They asked these fucks to actually put their phones away, they did, until this one cunt who should have been strangled and thrown over the balcony pulled it out. Seriously, that should happen to more people.
So yeah, I can't even go to the movies, something I've always loved doing, anymore cause this shit is there. So yeah fuck everyone.
