This happened to my when i was in sixth grade and I've really just buried this in my mind ever since.My parents went on vacation to my country.So it was only me and my older sister for a couple months.I came home from school one day and went over to my mom's room to ask for food but the door was locked,I heard some mumbling and she said she'll be out in a sec.So I stayed around the living room.She came out by herself and told me she needs help turning on the family computer which was in my room,which made no sense but I obliged .While doing so, I heard shuffling and than the main gate closing shut and it was obvious to me she's trying to sneak someone out but I said nothing.
Few minutes later she's on the phone talking with her friend that she just had sex with her manager jerry right in front of me.I was stunned but acted like i had no clue what she was talking about and didn't know what sex was.My sister believed someone my age (around 12) wasn't mature enough to understand what she was talking about.I kept listening and heard some disgusting things,like she had her period while they were having sex and the guy freaked out and also how they came to have sex in the first place.She invited the guy over to talk about something work related or apologize,i dont remember the reason and they were sitting in my mom's room and one thing led to another and they ended up kissing.Keep in my mind my sister was already married at this point and this was technically cheating.
Now that I think about it this wasn't the first time my sister was sexually promiscuous.When i was even younger I remember seeing the landlord's son we used to be family friends with groping her ass while we were both sitting on the sofa watching on demand cable.I remember feeling very weirded out about this but somehow understood what was going on even when i was 8 or 9 and she got found out by my mom and got slapped around and that relationship ended.Years later ,during my teens she had an online relationship also while married with some guy from my country of bangladesh.I found out about it when I was being sent to to a behavioral faciility(some kind of mental hospital for teens) by my school because of depression.I remember her talking with him on face time right in front of me and her subtly moving the camera to show me in my hospital gown and mocking me with the guy ,"the guy said something like "I'll fix that nutcase right up" in my language and she kind of laughed ,yet i pretended to not understand anything while feeling so much rage inside me.Now recently she's seeing some black guy from the elementary school she works at after she divorced her husband.She comes home late at night when she's obviously wasn't at work and probably got fucked by that guy.My mom can't control her anymore and lets her do what she wants since shes like 30 now.I feel this extreme rage towards my sister and also this extreme lust torwards her as well.I know i'm fucked up and mentally ill but I can't help these thoughts.I want to hurt her like how she hurt me and ravage and destroy her sexually like other men did.I want to make her submit and control her but I feel so powerless to do anything as a worthless highschool dropout and shut in with no job.I don't know if i can go on living without doing something bad to her eventually.
In my religon there is something called being a dayyuth,in other words a man who cant control his female family members aka the islamic version of being a cuckold.They say that god will not even talk to a dayyuth on the day of judgement and just throw him into the fire.Although Im an ex muslim,I still hold on to this sentiment and I feel like Some kind of cuck for not being able to do anything.I feel like i'm a victim of abuse and somehow my sister contributed to the extremely frustrated and depressed person I am today and i really wanna get back at her.I've tried distancing myself from my family but it's really hard when you live under the same roof and are reliant on them financially.
Few minutes later she's on the phone talking with her friend that she just had sex with her manager jerry right in front of me.I was stunned but acted like i had no clue what she was talking about and didn't know what sex was.My sister believed someone my age (around 12) wasn't mature enough to understand what she was talking about.I kept listening and heard some disgusting things,like she had her period while they were having sex and the guy freaked out and also how they came to have sex in the first place.She invited the guy over to talk about something work related or apologize,i dont remember the reason and they were sitting in my mom's room and one thing led to another and they ended up kissing.Keep in my mind my sister was already married at this point and this was technically cheating.
Now that I think about it this wasn't the first time my sister was sexually promiscuous.When i was even younger I remember seeing the landlord's son we used to be family friends with groping her ass while we were both sitting on the sofa watching on demand cable.I remember feeling very weirded out about this but somehow understood what was going on even when i was 8 or 9 and she got found out by my mom and got slapped around and that relationship ended.Years later ,during my teens she had an online relationship also while married with some guy from my country of bangladesh.I found out about it when I was being sent to to a behavioral faciility(some kind of mental hospital for teens) by my school because of depression.I remember her talking with him on face time right in front of me and her subtly moving the camera to show me in my hospital gown and mocking me with the guy ,"the guy said something like "I'll fix that nutcase right up" in my language and she kind of laughed ,yet i pretended to not understand anything while feeling so much rage inside me.Now recently she's seeing some black guy from the elementary school she works at after she divorced her husband.She comes home late at night when she's obviously wasn't at work and probably got fucked by that guy.My mom can't control her anymore and lets her do what she wants since shes like 30 now.I feel this extreme rage towards my sister and also this extreme lust torwards her as well.I know i'm fucked up and mentally ill but I can't help these thoughts.I want to hurt her like how she hurt me and ravage and destroy her sexually like other men did.I want to make her submit and control her but I feel so powerless to do anything as a worthless highschool dropout and shut in with no job.I don't know if i can go on living without doing something bad to her eventually.
In my religon there is something called being a dayyuth,in other words a man who cant control his female family members aka the islamic version of being a cuckold.They say that god will not even talk to a dayyuth on the day of judgement and just throw him into the fire.Although Im an ex muslim,I still hold on to this sentiment and I feel like Some kind of cuck for not being able to do anything.I feel like i'm a victim of abuse and somehow my sister contributed to the extremely frustrated and depressed person I am today and i really wanna get back at her.I've tried distancing myself from my family but it's really hard when you live under the same roof and are reliant on them financially.
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I know it sounds wrong but like I said all these experiences fucked me up mentally.I believe it to be a developmental thing after having exposure to many sexual experiences as a young child.
