"Being ugly sucks a lot. I'm a 20 yo girl, coming from a relatively poor family and I grew up being ugly. My face is asymmetrical, my nose is really long and my teeth are crooked. Like really bad. Never had the money to fix them, so I just grew up like that. Always felt ugly and unworthy of anything. Like I don't even deserve to get out and show my face to the others, like I should just hide behind a mask so that I can live in peace, without the burden or the fear that I'm grossing people out when they see me or when I smile to them. Boys never really looked at me regardless of how much effort I've put to look decently. In my country, when you turn 18 you throw a big party, so when my classmates got to this age, I got to go to such parties with my friends and classmates. I always wanted to be seen, to be admired. I know that you're worth shouldn't be based on this, but yk when you go out as a woman and people admire you, it can help your self esteem a bit. So, at first I was hesitating. I didn't feel "worthy of" wearing pretty dresses and heels and having my makeup done. So I was somehow plain at the first parties. I thought that maybe if I stay "natural" and try to accept myself with no other "enhancements", some boy might look at me. But boys didn't look at me. Moreover, they all seemed to be attracted to my friends. I have really gorgeous friends: pretty hair, very nice constructed face and perfect teeth (the pain of my existence). So, obviously, I felt terrible, extremely ugly, next to them. Always. Then, I thought that I should try the "enhancements" after all, so I did my makeup, dressed pretty. And, obviously, before leaving home, I felt pretty. But again and again, no one looked at me. So I felt, once again, extremely ugly. And you know, people somehow never really told this in my face, but I could understand it from anyone's behaviour: my middle school classmate laughing about my teeth smile, my mom telling me my teeth developed bad, my high-school classmate making a grossed out face when he saw I was the only available girl for a pair dance and thus, abandoning the action. All of this made me feel ashamed with my looks. So ashamed that I didn't even have the courage to admit my feelings to my high-school crush, a classmate that I liked a lot for two years and who was also someone really close to me. I was ugly, so he never looked at me. I was only the funny friend I guess. My best friend liked him also, so I just suppressed my feelings and encourage her to try things with him. She was pretty, she had a chance. But I was not. And now, in college, I still think the same about myself. The only difference is that I started to realise how fucked up the beauty standards are, and how it made many people at any age go crazy about how they look. And that is sad. I'm frustrated that nowadays looks matter a lot, and I can't leave in peace with my appearance because I know I have no chance of finding someone to love me as I am, and to choose me from a room full of gorgeous girls. And before you tell me that personality is way more important than looks, yes, it is. But if you're a very ugly girl with a horrible smile, very few to no people actually give you a chance of showing them your personality. If you're ugly and unattractive, people don't come to you and don't get to know you. If you're gorgeous and have a beautiful smile, people are drawn to you, they become interested in you and get to know your splendid personality. Of course, I'm talking about interactions with strangers here. And being beautiful brings you an advantage here.
Recently I searched for yt videos to see experiences of other ugly people. But, of course, no one is as ugly as me. Most of the videos have people who are beautiful in them. And I've never seen a video with an ugly person who has more crooked teeth than I. And that makes me feel more miserable, as if no one understands my struggle, since they have nice teeth that lets them smile wide.
My obsession with my appearance got so bad that I don't even think I'll ever marry. And I try to make myself understand this every day, that no one might actually look at me in this lifetime. Sounds sad, I know. And it's just a coping mechanism, a way to cope with this "drama" of mine. I pray every day to God to help me accept myself as He created me, but of course, the devil never sleeps, and I find myself frustrated each time I open social media and see all those beautiful people. It's like everyone else has such perfect imperfections, but only my imperfections are horrible. So that's basically my life. I really needed to write this somewhere and get this off my chest at least a little bit. If you read this far, I thank you."