Serious Possibly the log of my last weeks

[Figthcel]

Hi guys.

In short - I am over 30, wageslaving, living alone and it seems I might not beat a serious illness I have.

While I managed to finish college, get a career, buy a home and even went gymcelling, even after all my effort, it seems I will simply fail at life.

Iam trying out probably the last possible treatment. If I dont get better until the end of the year, I will prolly lose my job, run out of money and keep getting worse until I die.

If things will be going this way, I will rather end my life before I lose control over it.

I have noone to share my situation with, obviously my family and former friends, I cant talk honestly with them anymore. They have no idea about how I am getting tired with this world.

I have faced my struggles fighting but it feels like every time life just gets more difficult (school, harder school, job, harder job, sports, being weird and frustrated and eventually getting sick). So unless my body and mind turns this around, this is the last struggle,

It feels totally strange, artifical and unfair, that no matter what you do, you end up losing. As if life was a lie, even hell and you cant win. Maybe death is actually a way to get to a more meaningful dimension.

Still, I would prefer not to be completely alone, and since we have a lot in common, I would like to share with you from time to time how is my situation progressing.

My history

Ever since I discovered incel, MGTOW and overall redpill, it was a relief. I finally saw, that what I have been feeling is not completely unique and theres TONS of men in similar situation. I am not a typical incel (got a career, home and I am not a virgin), neither am I typical MGTOW or anything. But my whole life is a fight against the odds and simply I dont feel like a part of the human race, and I hardly want to anymore. Average people are so different and I have had to fake so much because of them. Even after literally decades of trying to fit in, it doesnt work.

With redpill, or even blackpill, I realized its not all in my head. I cant describe the joy and fun when I discovered all of this. I even read ER's manifesto, and it really touched me. A lot of what he said resonates with me. While I am less frustrated by the lack of sex and companionship than he was, while I was able to make more progress in my life, I am feeling a lot of the same things he did. If I was at least healthy, I would be able to cope and just do stuff I enjoy, until I enjoy it. But Iam not even allowed to cope and live a lonely life anymore. Also, even healthy, I am REALLY getting sick of people.

I am thinking through my years back, and now I see, that my fate was decided long ago. Basically when I was around 10 or 11, I remember realizing that "I am not happy" and "I dont know what they mean by being happy". I was just not happy, except for moments of "forced" happiness - food, toys, later porn, gymcelling, making money. But my basic state is being unhappy. And even back then I started discovering some of my physical faults and weaknesses. Obviously, I started discovering that I am different than most people and I had to start "faking it" to be around them.

Those decades of fighting, trying to date, coping, self improving, trying to fit with people... ultimately still seem to lead to failure. If that is gonna be the case, it would have been better if I had died when I was 10.

It seems my body and brain are simply unfit to survive in this world and in my 30s I am already overstaying my welcome.

Currently I am so unhappy, that I dont even feel pride for trying to beat it all. It feels pointless and flawed.

The cool thing is, I am not broke yet and I will at least get to decide when and how exactly to die. There is still time for my "luck" to improve, but just like you, I would bet it won't.

I am not posting much, I am usually just reading stuff here and enjoying it - somehow, the hard truth IS ENJOYABLE. I feel better when we share our depression, than if I try to have fun with normies. I cant even watch any tv shows anymore, as almost everything seems to be upsetting or totally boring and unrelated to my life.

I will keep you updated on my situation. I cant wait to see what the next 3-6 months have in store for me. I wish I could skip to the end.

 

[ThoughtfulCel]

I cant wait to see what the next 3-6 months have in store for me.

Famous last words tbh

 

[Mogged Loner]

What’s wrong are you sick?

 

[TheBasedCel]

already life mogged by finishing college

 

[Figthcel]

View attachment 310703

What’s wrong are you sick?

Yes. Not going into detail.

already life mogged by finishing college

At this point it surely feels like I have been wasting time.

Thats how I got blackpilled tbh, normfags always denigrate the lonely male and compare them to mass shooters and they are right, most of us lead similar lives to ER but maybe less extreme. When I read ER's manifesto it basically touched me like nothing else had, like ER I am also alone and was the laughing stock in high school.

ER's manifesto was like the best drama I have ever read/seen. The most realistic and tragic thing.

He sort of seems to be stronger than me, because he DIDNT COPE. He just realized he cant be happy and gave into his hatred. He sort of went for what he felt, instead of being forced into anything.

While I am prolonging my pain.

When I was ERs age, I was coping hard playing games and studying, and actively hiding every day what I felt.

 

[MuslimMentalcel]

This kinda touched me, what you stated is 90% is what state i am. I dont nor cant connect with the majority the people I met to this point of my life. I tought myself to accept loneliness at it is and dont have many problems dealing with it but I cant stop wondering if I was born at the wrong place at the wrong time.

It seems my body and brain are simply unfit to survive in this world and in my 30s I am already overstaying my welcome.

 

[ionlycopenow]

already life mogged by finishing college

 

[Angry_runt]

Yes. Not going into detail.

Tell us what you have, maybe it's contagious.

Also, why are you telling us you're not a typical incel and that you are not a virgin? You think having AIDS or whatever exempts you from the no bragging rule? Tell us what disease you have and I'll put in a good word for you with the mods. Maybe you'll only get like a 6 months ban and then you can come back.

 

[ionlycopenow]

Thats how I got blackpilled tbh, normfags always denigrate the lonely male and compare them to mass shooters and they are right, most of us lead similar lives to ER but maybe less extreme. When I read ER's manifesto it basically touched me like nothing else had, like ER I am also alone and was the laughing stock in high school.

Absolutely. I related to it as well, minus the going ER part

 

[BlkPillPres]

Thats how I got blackpilled tbh, normfags always denigrate the lonely male and compare them to mass shooters and they are right, most of us lead similar lives to ER but maybe less extreme. When I read ER's manifesto it basically touched me like nothing else had, like ER I am also alone and was the laughing stock in high school.

ER's manifesto was like the best drama I have ever read/seen. The most realistic and tragic thing.

He sort of seems to be stronger than me, because he DIDNT COPE. He just realized he cant be happy and gave into his hatred. He sort of went for what he felt, instead of being forced into anything.

While I am prolonging my pain.

When I was ERs age, I was coping hard playing games and studying, and actively hiding every day what I felt.

Same, ER's manifesto was my turning point too, I then became completely immersed in the black pill and started reading more about it, it was like a weight was lifted off of me, I was no longer frustrated or confused by all my constant failure in life

@Figthcel - Good luck, I hope you get better, you may need to change your diet a bit to help your condition along (you probably are already doing this I guess)

 

[Emba]

Back away from the stoicism bro...

 

[Figthcel]

Back away from the stoicism bro...

Its not stoicism if I feel hate and so on.

@Figthcel - Good luck, I hope you get better, you may need to change your diet a bit to help your condition along (you probably are already doing this I guess)

Yes Iam doing that. Thanks.

 

[Figthcel]

A week has passed and Iam feeling worse. No progress made with my health. But I keep wageslaving.

And I hate the high temperatures. Will report in a week.

 

[Uglymuggly]

A week has passed and Iam feeling worse. No progress made with my health. But I keep wageslaving.

And I hate the high temperatures. Will report in a week.

You said you weren’t a virgin

 

[Figthcel]

You said you weren’t a virgin

It wasn't bragging, I just wanted to be honest.

I belong here. Even if I get banned.

 

[BlkPillPres]

It wasn't bragging, I just wanted to be honest.

I belong here. Even if I get banned.

Depends on how you lost your virginity

1. Prostitution (you had to pay for it - not banned)
2. Rape (you can't mention it obviously, but you can just say prostitution - not banned)
3. Mutually Consensual Sex (banned - you are a failed normie, not an incel)

 

[Figthcel]

1 years ago

 

[Figthcel]

It seems unbelievable to me that this is real. That life is really, seriously this. I see no point in living and trying to overcome challenges, if there is no reward. It makes no sense. It goes against everything, that was supposed to happen.

I am thinking if the real challenge could be to realize that I have to quit. That the only way to get through this, is by dying. And that the sooner I do it, the better I score. Maybe everything is a lie, there is no way to being happy in this reality and by seeing through the lie you get somewhere better.

That would actually make sense.

 

[FinnCel]

Imagine if you were born chad.
You weren't so no mattohow much you try, it's over

 

[Billowel]

It seems unbelievable to me that this is real. That life is really, seriously this. I see no point in living and trying to overcome challenges, if there is no reward. It makes no sense. It goes against everything, that was supposed to happen.

I am thinking if the real challenge could be to realize that I have to quit. That the only way to get through this, is by dying. And that the sooner I do it, the better I score. Maybe everything is a lie, there is no way to being happy in this reality and by seeing through the lie you get somewhere better.

That would actually make sense.

That which is imperfect will never satisfy man.It's a hard lesson for every degenerate to learn.

 

[Deleted member 27159]

You aren’t a virgin? You might get banned. Although you said that you have a disease, nonvirgins aren’t welcome here. If you lost your virginity through prostitution then you are fine and won’t get banned. If it was unpaid then you will get banned immediately.

 

[Figthcel]

If you lost your virginity through prostitution then you are fine and won’t get banned. If it was unpaid then you will get banned immediately.

Already answered.

That which is imperfect will never satisfy man.It's a hard lesson for every degenerate to learn.

Lesson that takes years, but never ceases to be valid.

 

[Hate_my_life]

thERe is one thing you can CHOose to do before you go.

 

[Figthcel]

Update.

Last night, my neighbour, a single woman around the age of 37-40, had a party. She had 2 of her girl friends over. They were sitting outside, grilling, drinking, having music, even past midnight.

I went to them and asked them to end it, since its way too late and they are noisy.

They basically laughed at me. In the end, I went, took a chair and sat at the edge of my yard, staring at them. They started joking about me and insulting me, talking about calling police (which makes no sense, since it was actually them making noise at night and I was sitting at my property), we exchanged couple of sentences. Eventually they asked if I am alone, if I have some friends, "that are more beautiful than me... and not looking like me".

I said, and what if I do? Give me your number, I will give it to my friends. They joked about spraying me with water and such.

Then they returned to their conversation about 1) being in unhappy love with some professional fighter, 2) having cellulitis, 3) cosmetics, 4) not being 20 anymore.

I used the time to confirm the blackpill, to read some Greek classics on my phone (ironically - about warriors capturing women), and after about 2 more hours, they ended it. The last thing they asked was, if I will be vengeful against my neighbour. I said I dont know.

Pretty cool night. Blackpill confirmed, aging, spoiled post-30 stacies hating on unattractive men, discussing their degeneracy, threatening me with police, while they are breaking the rules.

And this is all real! I am actually enjoying this - it feels as if the life is throwing things at me, adventure and experiences. Tough and uncomfortable experiences. But that's exactly what life seems to be. I seem to be going through the hardest levels of a game of life.

Not to mention that I am actually so sick, that I had pain even carrying the chair there, but I didnt want it to stop me.