I think what is holding me back most, is that I am not consistent in my performance due to mental and physical problems leading any effort ad absurdum in the end and if it is just cuz I forgot where I started or the situation changed/reseted to step zero over time. Ironically eleviating these conditions requires the endurance I lack in the first place. No idea what to do tbh. I reached a point where I am tried every cope artistry there is. I am just to mental and shit spiraled out of control. If I don't find a golden bullet, I will be dead soon. I am even to fucked to really talk about it with anyone in rl. Even in psychiatry I just went with the flow. (@builderseed remines me of what you said, just telling them what they want to hear). There is just no stepping stone to get out of this hole of shit. 
