My Teen Is About to Fall Down the Male-Power Incel Rabbit Hole
How do I help him through this crisis of masculinity?
BY EMILY GOULDMAY 03, 202111:39 AM
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son is 14, and he’s coping with identity issues that I could really use some advice about. Last night, he was complaining about English class.
“All we talk about is stuff like, I dunno. How women are so great and can defend themselves and shit.” Alarm bells, right? I probed a little, and he started getting upset. He talked about the girls in his class being aggressive towards the boys, accusing them of … he wasn’t sure what. Mumbled a few things about sexism, the patriarchy. “You know, this whole ‘kill all men’ thing.’” And with that, he burst into tears.
“I’m white—I’m male—and I’m probably straight!” he sobbed (at 14, he maintains that the jury is still out on that last one). “It’s like, I can’t say anything! And the girls, they can say anything they like!” Of course, we talked about those girls being out of line, but also about how real sexism is—that he can be proud of who he is and support feminism (and Black Lives Matter, and LGBTQ rights, etc.) at the same time. And ignore purposefully provocative stuff like #killallmen.
Still, I’m concerned. My feeling is that he’s pretty well inoculated against racist and homophobic propaganda. But clearly, he’s struggling with his masculinity.
I really worry that he might stumble across a few clever Jordan Peterson videos and end up falling down some nasty male-power incel rabbit hole … Do you have any advice as to how to deal with this? In particular, do you know of any good age-appropriate books or podcasts or shows or whatever that deal with these topics—especially the “crisis of masculinity”—in a sensitive way? A way that’s in sync with feminist values?
—Feminist Mom in Need of Advice!
Dear F.M.i.N.A.,
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be red-pilled! I think you’re on the right track here, and while I’m not super worried about your son falling down an incel rabbit hole, I do understand and sympathize with your concerns. The girls in his English class are experimenting with an extreme version of their authentic selves, and that’s super normal at their age, if also super annoying. If your son does end up dabbling in the dark web, I think as long as he’s communicating with you this openly you don’t have to fear that he’ll be permanently radicalized.
