Since I have no one to talk to I thought I'd put this in here (forgive me if I make any grammatical errors English isn't my mother tongue)
First some information regarding me, I'm currently 18 years old and I'm a khhv, I'm 173cm tall(/short) and I'm a diagnosed Autist.
My father left when I was 2 years old and I rarely have contact with him, I have an 11 year old brother.
Women my age group (preferably slightly older) piqued my interest since years, yet they never seemed to show any interest in me. I never was a very social person,
But especially during the quarantine time 2019-2021 where I was 14-16 I missed out on many social experiences, which had impact on my later life.
During elementary school (in Germany from the ages 6-10) I didn't show any interest in girls (as to be expected from a little kid)
In 5th grade, I was sent to a private school because my mother already suspected I am neurodivergent she thought this was the best thing to do, I ended up being expelled after 8 months for being disrespectful towards teachers multiple times.
I switched to another school that was known for a lot of drugs being around, I met many people from my elementary school there, until then I thought I left elementary school without people really minding me, turns out they hated me with all their heart, the second I entered the classroom. I heard "ewww not that guy" I sat down in the last row and immediately a girl I remember from elementary school turned around and called me an ugly freak.
I saw another guy at that school who bullied me in elementary school and we had a fight
I was expelled right after that and survived a whooping 2 weeks at that school.
I got into another school towards the end of 5th grade, I don't remember much from 5th grade but one insignificant detail sticked with me for some reason.
As soon as I entered the classroom 3 (basically 4, explanation later) guys came up to me and asked me if I preferred Messi or Ronaldo, I never really cared about football and didn't even know which team they play on, I just guessed "Ronaldo", they celebrated and from there on I was their friend.
I'm just going to get a little into detail with those friends, I'm using their initials here.
H was an Asian boy from Vietnam, overall he was pretty cool, definitely said the least in the group we had a neutral relationship.
M was an Arabic boy from Iraq, he also was pretty cool and probably my best friend out of the group, he was pretty smart and was into video games just like me.
A was an athletic tall(175cm at 12 years old) Chad who also was way above average intelligence (IQ of 129). We mainly had a good relationship and he was into videogames like me.
Y is the 4th friend I mentioned, hes the twin brother of M and had a very small and petite build (like me back then) he pretty much was oppressed and bullied by his brother but I didn't take that seriously, we were good friends.
In 5th grade not much happened beyond that, since it was already the last 1/4 of the year.
6th grade wasn't much more eventful and went pretty smoothly.
For 7th grade I'll have to get a bit deeper into the school system in Germany, in 7th grade you're either assigned "gymnasial Kurse" or "Grund Kurse" for the main subjects (maths, German, English), basically gymnasial Kurse are the more advanced version and give you access to 11th and 12th grade for a better high school certificate that also lets you go to university.
I was assigned gymnasial Kurse in every subject, since I was pretty smart.
A lot happened in my dating life in 7th grade, or so I hoped.
The Stacy in school "pranked" me by telling me (via Whatsapp) she loved me as a joke.
I knew what was going on and told her I'm aware that it's a joke.
She went even further and promised me it's not. It was around 1 AM and I just forfeited by saying "I think you're really pretty too".
She revealed that it was a prank and laughed at me, A, who was basically her dog also laughed at me.
H and M were kinda just the groupies of A and followed him with bullying me. They made fun of my autism and that went on for the rest of the year. (Thanks to the Stacy, you took 1 year of my life away from me just by looking good).
In 8th grade they just acted like I didn't exist and I was attention deprived, so I did a lot of shit like breaking the school's property (mainly fire extinguishers) and even went up to setting my school on fire (nobody was hurt). I never was caught. Also Corona started.
In 9th grade I started skipping online classes and finally was expelled from school shortly after the quarantine measures were lifted. I stayed at home for the rest of year 9 and didn't do much except for playing games.
Me and my family moved out of the city and I
Joined a new school.
In 10th grade I entered a kind of "emo phase"; I covered my face with my hair and wore a hood all the time, every day I felt nothing but self hatred and insecurity.
My classmates didn't try to socialize with me whatsoever (can't blame them). I was just a loner that people didn't know much about. Sometimes I showed off my intelligence in contests (mainly mathematics). My class was pretty neutral towards me, sadly that couldn't be said about the rest of the school.
Obviously people made fun of me and the chances for a girlfriend were at an all time low, I was interested in a girl for around 7 months, but never found the courage to talk to her. I was so ashamed of myself and my looks that I never would've dared to open a conversation.
Everyone around me already had their first love and maybe even their first time, every time I saw a couple I was disgusted and full of jealousy.
I ended up failing 10th grade and leaving school without a high school diploma. So far I haven't had any contact with anyone from that school since I left it.
I just bathed in self pity for the next 4 months. I was a NEET with no future.
Towards the end of October 2022 I met my grandmother to eat something at subway. She gave me some money for my birthday in advance since she was going on vacation.
She listed a few things I could buy with it and I randomly mentioned a gym membership.
To this day I still don't know why or how that came into my head, but it just did, she said "you could get that too". So I just started going to the gym from that moment on.
Since then not much happened, my physique got better and I'm a lot more confident than before, yet my dating life never improved. Women still treat me like air and ignore me to an extend that it feels like a conspiracy.
Now I applied to the army to make some quick money and have a future, the application is still running, I'll keep my fellow brocells updated on that.
If this doesn't work out for me, I'll accept that I'm a victim of my genetics and will stay an inkwell for the rest of my life.
If you read all this, thank you, I could never talk to anyone about this and this felt very relieving.
I hope this little vent/rant was understandable grammatically and historically.
First some information regarding me, I'm currently 18 years old and I'm a khhv, I'm 173cm tall(/short) and I'm a diagnosed Autist.
My father left when I was 2 years old and I rarely have contact with him, I have an 11 year old brother.
Women my age group (preferably slightly older) piqued my interest since years, yet they never seemed to show any interest in me. I never was a very social person,
But especially during the quarantine time 2019-2021 where I was 14-16 I missed out on many social experiences, which had impact on my later life.
During elementary school (in Germany from the ages 6-10) I didn't show any interest in girls (as to be expected from a little kid)
In 5th grade, I was sent to a private school because my mother already suspected I am neurodivergent she thought this was the best thing to do, I ended up being expelled after 8 months for being disrespectful towards teachers multiple times.
I switched to another school that was known for a lot of drugs being around, I met many people from my elementary school there, until then I thought I left elementary school without people really minding me, turns out they hated me with all their heart, the second I entered the classroom. I heard "ewww not that guy" I sat down in the last row and immediately a girl I remember from elementary school turned around and called me an ugly freak.
I saw another guy at that school who bullied me in elementary school and we had a fight
I was expelled right after that and survived a whooping 2 weeks at that school.
I got into another school towards the end of 5th grade, I don't remember much from 5th grade but one insignificant detail sticked with me for some reason.
As soon as I entered the classroom 3 (basically 4, explanation later) guys came up to me and asked me if I preferred Messi or Ronaldo, I never really cared about football and didn't even know which team they play on, I just guessed "Ronaldo", they celebrated and from there on I was their friend.
I'm just going to get a little into detail with those friends, I'm using their initials here.
H was an Asian boy from Vietnam, overall he was pretty cool, definitely said the least in the group we had a neutral relationship.
M was an Arabic boy from Iraq, he also was pretty cool and probably my best friend out of the group, he was pretty smart and was into video games just like me.
A was an athletic tall(175cm at 12 years old) Chad who also was way above average intelligence (IQ of 129). We mainly had a good relationship and he was into videogames like me.
Y is the 4th friend I mentioned, hes the twin brother of M and had a very small and petite build (like me back then) he pretty much was oppressed and bullied by his brother but I didn't take that seriously, we were good friends.
In 5th grade not much happened beyond that, since it was already the last 1/4 of the year.
6th grade wasn't much more eventful and went pretty smoothly.
For 7th grade I'll have to get a bit deeper into the school system in Germany, in 7th grade you're either assigned "gymnasial Kurse" or "Grund Kurse" for the main subjects (maths, German, English), basically gymnasial Kurse are the more advanced version and give you access to 11th and 12th grade for a better high school certificate that also lets you go to university.
I was assigned gymnasial Kurse in every subject, since I was pretty smart.
A lot happened in my dating life in 7th grade, or so I hoped.
The Stacy in school "pranked" me by telling me (via Whatsapp) she loved me as a joke.
I knew what was going on and told her I'm aware that it's a joke.
She went even further and promised me it's not. It was around 1 AM and I just forfeited by saying "I think you're really pretty too".
She revealed that it was a prank and laughed at me, A, who was basically her dog also laughed at me.
H and M were kinda just the groupies of A and followed him with bullying me. They made fun of my autism and that went on for the rest of the year. (Thanks to the Stacy, you took 1 year of my life away from me just by looking good).
In 8th grade they just acted like I didn't exist and I was attention deprived, so I did a lot of shit like breaking the school's property (mainly fire extinguishers) and even went up to setting my school on fire (nobody was hurt). I never was caught. Also Corona started.
In 9th grade I started skipping online classes and finally was expelled from school shortly after the quarantine measures were lifted. I stayed at home for the rest of year 9 and didn't do much except for playing games.
Me and my family moved out of the city and I
Joined a new school.
In 10th grade I entered a kind of "emo phase"; I covered my face with my hair and wore a hood all the time, every day I felt nothing but self hatred and insecurity.
My classmates didn't try to socialize with me whatsoever (can't blame them). I was just a loner that people didn't know much about. Sometimes I showed off my intelligence in contests (mainly mathematics). My class was pretty neutral towards me, sadly that couldn't be said about the rest of the school.
Obviously people made fun of me and the chances for a girlfriend were at an all time low, I was interested in a girl for around 7 months, but never found the courage to talk to her. I was so ashamed of myself and my looks that I never would've dared to open a conversation.
Everyone around me already had their first love and maybe even their first time, every time I saw a couple I was disgusted and full of jealousy.
I ended up failing 10th grade and leaving school without a high school diploma. So far I haven't had any contact with anyone from that school since I left it.
I just bathed in self pity for the next 4 months. I was a NEET with no future.
Towards the end of October 2022 I met my grandmother to eat something at subway. She gave me some money for my birthday in advance since she was going on vacation.
She listed a few things I could buy with it and I randomly mentioned a gym membership.
To this day I still don't know why or how that came into my head, but it just did, she said "you could get that too". So I just started going to the gym from that moment on.
Since then not much happened, my physique got better and I'm a lot more confident than before, yet my dating life never improved. Women still treat me like air and ignore me to an extend that it feels like a conspiracy.
Now I applied to the army to make some quick money and have a future, the application is still running, I'll keep my fellow brocells updated on that.
If this doesn't work out for me, I'll accept that I'm a victim of my genetics and will stay an inkwell for the rest of my life.
If you read all this, thank you, I could never talk to anyone about this and this felt very relieving.
I hope this little vent/rant was understandable grammatically and historically.
