I think this is the first moment of clarity I've had in years. I'm a 26 y/o khhv, permaneet, failure at life. The bullies ruined my mind as a kid, legit even my old therapist thought I had PTSD from it, and my parents have failed to even raise me. My father keeps attaching himself to his neighbor as some sort of surrogate son. He's my age with a wife and infant child, his own house, and mogs me in every measurable respect. Today my dad was genuinely suggesting that he should leave his house to his neighbor, as I'm not "responsible enough" to manage it. He says that I'm content with living in a dump, and implied my failures are of my own making. My mother treats me like some sort of pet, has done nothing but sabotage me my whole life, and somehow expects me to take care of her until she dies, after which point I'm fucked.
These people have failed me. I don't owe them anything, I don't have to live for their sake. Idk what I'm going to do, I can't think straight. I'm weak, I'm a poor excuse for a man, barely human really. I'm weak willed, I've always been weak willed. Maybe I'll cry like the pathetic little bitch that I am. But afterwards, I need to make my own decisions.
I'm not sure of what I even want. For years I've been living for my parents, but I don't have to do that anymore. I suspect that trying to change my entire personality would prove to be impossible, as basically everything about myself is unproductive and useless. How do you will yourself to become someone else, especially with a lack of will? Not to mention that I'm a 4/10 at best, so it's not like I have looks going for me. I believe that I have 3 choices. I could either continue on living as I am now, rotting all day everyday, until the next bout of suicidal depression claims me. I could try to turn my life around, but trying to do that now would be extremely difficult, and the only real reward would be getting to experience sex with a prostitute. Or I could begin to plan my suicide. I just don't know what to do. I hate myself. Probably the best thing to do is sleep and think about it again with a clear mind, either way, I'm done living for my parents.
These people have failed me. I don't owe them anything, I don't have to live for their sake. Idk what I'm going to do, I can't think straight. I'm weak, I'm a poor excuse for a man, barely human really. I'm weak willed, I've always been weak willed. Maybe I'll cry like the pathetic little bitch that I am. But afterwards, I need to make my own decisions.
I'm not sure of what I even want. For years I've been living for my parents, but I don't have to do that anymore. I suspect that trying to change my entire personality would prove to be impossible, as basically everything about myself is unproductive and useless. How do you will yourself to become someone else, especially with a lack of will? Not to mention that I'm a 4/10 at best, so it's not like I have looks going for me. I believe that I have 3 choices. I could either continue on living as I am now, rotting all day everyday, until the next bout of suicidal depression claims me. I could try to turn my life around, but trying to do that now would be extremely difficult, and the only real reward would be getting to experience sex with a prostitute. Or I could begin to plan my suicide. I just don't know what to do. I hate myself. Probably the best thing to do is sleep and think about it again with a clear mind, either way, I'm done living for my parents.
