when i got home, my mom tells both my brother and i the news, and does some crocodile tears like he was related to her or something. i go into my room and try to contain my anger.
i haven't seen my dad in two years now, and my grandparents on his side in three years. my father was forcefully removed from our home some two years ago, and despite a few efforts in the last few months where my dad had offered to drive the three hours to my house and the three hours back to my grandparents/his house, my mom has not allowed it. at last, something i had imagined would possibly happen did happen, my grandmother began developing alzheimer's a few months ago, and i didn't get to see them then. my grandfather died--and i still don't get to.
i never spoke to him much when i was little kid and couldn't hold intellectual conversation, and now for the past years i've been the denied the opportunity to do so. despite this, i've felt always felt a connection due to how similar we are personality wise. he's quiet, but when prompted with opportunity to do so, he'll talk so much on deeper, more introspective subjects, especially the bible. i also can't help but draw parallels to how much he gets banned off facebook for his offensive racist/sexist views.
the past year, i've been planning on basically interviewing him. i had a lot of questions for him pertaining his father, who was a fighting age male in germany during ww1, and of course his grandfather, who could have possibly remembered living in bavaria as a sovereign country, though for a very short time.
of course, now any opportunity to speak to him is lost, and this is wholly my mother's doing, there is no room for an "if" or a "but." i truly have never detested women more than i have now, i stood in my room with my fists clenched shaking from anger--and partly fear of the fact i may attack my mom if she came in my room and tried to press on for too long like she has every time i'm upset. i've only ever had negative experiences stemming from women, and this has cemented any doubt of them i could have.
i apologize to you all for wall posting, but i don't plan on telling anyone i know in real life this stuff, and i wanted to put it somewhere people could understand.
i haven't seen my dad in two years now, and my grandparents on his side in three years. my father was forcefully removed from our home some two years ago, and despite a few efforts in the last few months where my dad had offered to drive the three hours to my house and the three hours back to my grandparents/his house, my mom has not allowed it. at last, something i had imagined would possibly happen did happen, my grandmother began developing alzheimer's a few months ago, and i didn't get to see them then. my grandfather died--and i still don't get to.
i never spoke to him much when i was little kid and couldn't hold intellectual conversation, and now for the past years i've been the denied the opportunity to do so. despite this, i've felt always felt a connection due to how similar we are personality wise. he's quiet, but when prompted with opportunity to do so, he'll talk so much on deeper, more introspective subjects, especially the bible. i also can't help but draw parallels to how much he gets banned off facebook for his offensive racist/sexist views.
the past year, i've been planning on basically interviewing him. i had a lot of questions for him pertaining his father, who was a fighting age male in germany during ww1, and of course his grandfather, who could have possibly remembered living in bavaria as a sovereign country, though for a very short time.
of course, now any opportunity to speak to him is lost, and this is wholly my mother's doing, there is no room for an "if" or a "but." i truly have never detested women more than i have now, i stood in my room with my fists clenched shaking from anger--and partly fear of the fact i may attack my mom if she came in my room and tried to press on for too long like she has every time i'm upset. i've only ever had negative experiences stemming from women, and this has cemented any doubt of them i could have.
i apologize to you all for wall posting, but i don't plan on telling anyone i know in real life this stuff, and i wanted to put it somewhere people could understand.
