I had such a complicated love/hate "daddy issue" relationship to my father and tonight he died suddenly. Now more than ever do I HAVE to be alive and stay strong to help my mother (without my father's money she needs to move out, so we have to organize the moving), but at the same time do I NOT WANT to be alive more than ever. I think I could finally do it, do what I didn't had the courage to do before. I wish I could say to my mother, "Is it really that bad if I go now, too?" But, of course, I can't.
I have to stay alive and continue crawling around on this earth, just trying to avoid pain while trying to feel joy at ... I don't even know what anymore. Just crawling. We crawl around on this earth like caterpillars, always hoping to eventually transform into a butterfly and be in the sun, but then the transformation never happens and we remain larvae. When I was younger I always wanted to feel intense, extraordinary emotions. Climb the Mt. Everest or whatever. Now I just try not to suffer too much.
Copes all don't work, they are all shit. I tried them all. A part of me believes that my father might be "somewhere" now, but I'm not sure if that's a comforting thought to have him look down upon and look down inside me now. But there isn't really any evidence for it. There isn't even any evidence for it in those religions who include a "paradise" - because they make a sharp distinction because the "right" believers and those who go into hell. And since my father was pretty much a hardened atheist...
My normie brother has a wife and kids. Being incel is about so much more than about stupid sex. It's about having someone in these situations now. He is with his wife and kids now, I am alone now.
I have to stay alive and continue crawling around on this earth, just trying to avoid pain while trying to feel joy at ... I don't even know what anymore. Just crawling. We crawl around on this earth like caterpillars, always hoping to eventually transform into a butterfly and be in the sun, but then the transformation never happens and we remain larvae. When I was younger I always wanted to feel intense, extraordinary emotions. Climb the Mt. Everest or whatever. Now I just try not to suffer too much.
Copes all don't work, they are all shit. I tried them all. A part of me believes that my father might be "somewhere" now, but I'm not sure if that's a comforting thought to have him look down upon and look down inside me now. But there isn't really any evidence for it. There isn't even any evidence for it in those religions who include a "paradise" - because they make a sharp distinction because the "right" believers and those who go into hell. And since my father was pretty much a hardened atheist...
My normie brother has a wife and kids. Being incel is about so much more than about stupid sex. It's about having someone in these situations now. He is with his wife and kids now, I am alone now.
