I have a driver's license and a car (these are about the only two decent things I got going for myself). My brother has neither one yet he was given a well-paying delivery job by one of his friends (goes to show how badly you need friends to accomplish anything in life). Since it's the meme that I'm the loser jobless member of the family, my brother mockingly offered the job to me. So I went on an observation day and everything was fine, it made me think that maybe driving around for hours in a van and occasionally getting out to hand out packages could be the comfiest job I could find. So I was hired despite my obvious awkwardness and weirdness of personality.
But on the day before my first day of work, everything went wrong. I couldn't fall asleep at all. Every time I tried to empty my mind, it was then filled with countless doubts and worries, alongside visions of horrible scenarios. I also felt very sick to my gut and stomach, as if it was tensing up and contracting itself, yet when I stood up from my bed the pain went away completely. I spent a total of 6 hours of desperately trying to sleep, when I'd look at the time out of curiosity it would make everything worse. The longer it took the more I felt my heart racing and I even cried at some points. I tried to listen to music and ASMR to calm myself, I even did some push-ups and jumping-jacks to tire myself. Everything I tried was in vain, my eyes were heavy and my mind and body numb from exhaustion, yet still my entire body refused to fall asleep.
So I gave up. In the middle of the night, I texted the employer part of what happened, that I couldn't fall asleep despite my best attempts to and asked for a second chance. With a sigh of relief and a sliver of hope, I almost instantly fell asleep. I woke up eight hours later to a text that told me that I had lost the job.
That job might have been my one and only chance to escape my loneliness and addictions, yet my body is so attached to these two things that it completely refused a change in lifestyle. My subconscious has bested me, I am not free, I am imprisoned. My will isn't free, so how can anyone expect me to make decisions out of a free will that I do not have? I cannot change my environment so my environment has to change me, therefore perhaps I am destined to lose my apartment and end up in homelessness, maybe then I will finally be able to conquer my lower self and free my true self from bondage.
But on the day before my first day of work, everything went wrong. I couldn't fall asleep at all. Every time I tried to empty my mind, it was then filled with countless doubts and worries, alongside visions of horrible scenarios. I also felt very sick to my gut and stomach, as if it was tensing up and contracting itself, yet when I stood up from my bed the pain went away completely. I spent a total of 6 hours of desperately trying to sleep, when I'd look at the time out of curiosity it would make everything worse. The longer it took the more I felt my heart racing and I even cried at some points. I tried to listen to music and ASMR to calm myself, I even did some push-ups and jumping-jacks to tire myself. Everything I tried was in vain, my eyes were heavy and my mind and body numb from exhaustion, yet still my entire body refused to fall asleep.
So I gave up. In the middle of the night, I texted the employer part of what happened, that I couldn't fall asleep despite my best attempts to and asked for a second chance. With a sigh of relief and a sliver of hope, I almost instantly fell asleep. I woke up eight hours later to a text that told me that I had lost the job.
That job might have been my one and only chance to escape my loneliness and addictions, yet my body is so attached to these two things that it completely refused a change in lifestyle. My subconscious has bested me, I am not free, I am imprisoned. My will isn't free, so how can anyone expect me to make decisions out of a free will that I do not have? I cannot change my environment so my environment has to change me, therefore perhaps I am destined to lose my apartment and end up in homelessness, maybe then I will finally be able to conquer my lower self and free my true self from bondage.
