Deleted member 8353
Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
-
- Joined
- May 29, 2018
- Posts
- 9,332
I've lived through what has been essentially the same day, over and over again, countless times. Often I'll be sitting in my chair, have some random train of thought while doing the same things which I usually do, and then I'm overcome with the feeling that I've experienced this exact moment at some point in the past, but I just can't place exactly when. I want to retrieve the memory, but I can only come up with that moment. It gives me head pressures and makes my body hair stand up just due to how unnerving it is, similar to the feeling of déjà vu, but the difference is that I actually have experienced that particular moment before, it's just that the prior memory of it is impossible to differentiate from the new one.
Honestly I don't think that the rotting is exclusive to me, I strongly feel that this day which I've lived through so many times has been decaying. This day rots just a little bit more every time I experience it again. Everything about it becomes worse, even though nothing about the day has fundamentally changed. It's so subtle that it's only noticeable over a long period of time, but it seems that the more I perceive the same things, the more they deteriorate within my mind. I'm now so dissociated a lot of the time that I get a strong desire to escape my body, as if I'm trapped within it, almost being suffocated by it. I'll find myself wondering why I can only see out of my eyes, or why the objects around me don't move just by me willing them to do so. It's like being on the verge of waking up, except I never actually do, I usually just fall back into the dream after a time and temporarily forget the feeling.
Communicating though text like this feels more real to me than speaking to my parents irl. The worst part of this is being consciously aware of the reality that my mind is fucked, yet I seem powerless to do much of anything about it. Escapism seems to be one of only things which counteracts the effect which I'm describing, music also helps a bit too.
Honestly I don't think that the rotting is exclusive to me, I strongly feel that this day which I've lived through so many times has been decaying. This day rots just a little bit more every time I experience it again. Everything about it becomes worse, even though nothing about the day has fundamentally changed. It's so subtle that it's only noticeable over a long period of time, but it seems that the more I perceive the same things, the more they deteriorate within my mind. I'm now so dissociated a lot of the time that I get a strong desire to escape my body, as if I'm trapped within it, almost being suffocated by it. I'll find myself wondering why I can only see out of my eyes, or why the objects around me don't move just by me willing them to do so. It's like being on the verge of waking up, except I never actually do, I usually just fall back into the dream after a time and temporarily forget the feeling.
Communicating though text like this feels more real to me than speaking to my parents irl. The worst part of this is being consciously aware of the reality that my mind is fucked, yet I seem powerless to do much of anything about it. Escapism seems to be one of only things which counteracts the effect which I'm describing, music also helps a bit too.
Last edited: