I just moved out a week ago, from my mothers basement. Been busy getting my shit together in the apartment. I always feel like there is something I need to do or keep track of. It never stops. I am however quiet happy with my place, and I feel free. But...
Then it hit me, I am a virgin kissless girlfriendless incel. I have no education, I have no friends, I struggle with anxiety. I missed out on everything.
I wasted my prime years behind a computer screen playing video games and eating junk and gaining a lot of weight. I have tried 3 times to get my life together in the past, once when I was 20, and once when I was 22. Then it stopped. I stopped caring. Then I tried again at 26, but then I got sick with covid and my life went upside down and I gained all my weight back and had "post covid" for 6 months. I tried to go back to school and study. I quit however. I couldn't handle seeing teenagers and some early 20s in the same classroom as me (I was 26). It was a complimentary study, to fix my grades from college that I dropped off from the last year.
I am the point of feeling like I can never make up for the time I missed. I can never fill that hole or gap in my soul. No matter how many women I get or sleep with. There will always be a damaged part inside me, that no one sees or hears, only me.
I see other "normal" people my age doing normie shit and I feel so behind. They had sex, girlfriends, traveled, partied, etc etc. But I did not. I was in my room. Struggling with my self image and anxiety. The only time I had some sort of validation was when I played a second life sort of game. I had a "girlfriend" there, and I got lots of compliments for my emo hair.
I miss those days, being young, not worrying too much about the future. I just wish I knew how bad it would be. If I could only go back a few years.. and not be pushing 30. But I can't. It is what it is. I don't know if there is any hope left for me. I keep seeing teen girls and early 20s women and feeling very attracted to them. But I remember what I am. They all have more experience than me, and a girl that age wouldn't love me for me at my age. She would expect me to be more mature, have money, a good paying job etc etc. But I am not.
I feel like I failed my parents being a piece of shit, useless, weakling. My father told me that some family members has been talking shit about me, how I will never do anything with my life. My father didn't seem to disagree. My mother has always been kind to me, too kind. I started to resent her when I realized how curled I've been. Maybe things could've been different if my father was present in my life, and my mother wasn't so loving and forgiving.
I guess I'm just fed up with life. I only see it getting darker and darker from here.
Then it hit me, I am a virgin kissless girlfriendless incel. I have no education, I have no friends, I struggle with anxiety. I missed out on everything.
I wasted my prime years behind a computer screen playing video games and eating junk and gaining a lot of weight. I have tried 3 times to get my life together in the past, once when I was 20, and once when I was 22. Then it stopped. I stopped caring. Then I tried again at 26, but then I got sick with covid and my life went upside down and I gained all my weight back and had "post covid" for 6 months. I tried to go back to school and study. I quit however. I couldn't handle seeing teenagers and some early 20s in the same classroom as me (I was 26). It was a complimentary study, to fix my grades from college that I dropped off from the last year.
I am the point of feeling like I can never make up for the time I missed. I can never fill that hole or gap in my soul. No matter how many women I get or sleep with. There will always be a damaged part inside me, that no one sees or hears, only me.
I see other "normal" people my age doing normie shit and I feel so behind. They had sex, girlfriends, traveled, partied, etc etc. But I did not. I was in my room. Struggling with my self image and anxiety. The only time I had some sort of validation was when I played a second life sort of game. I had a "girlfriend" there, and I got lots of compliments for my emo hair.
I miss those days, being young, not worrying too much about the future. I just wish I knew how bad it would be. If I could only go back a few years.. and not be pushing 30. But I can't. It is what it is. I don't know if there is any hope left for me. I keep seeing teen girls and early 20s women and feeling very attracted to them. But I remember what I am. They all have more experience than me, and a girl that age wouldn't love me for me at my age. She would expect me to be more mature, have money, a good paying job etc etc. But I am not.
I feel like I failed my parents being a piece of shit, useless, weakling. My father told me that some family members has been talking shit about me, how I will never do anything with my life. My father didn't seem to disagree. My mother has always been kind to me, too kind. I started to resent her when I realized how curled I've been. Maybe things could've been different if my father was present in my life, and my mother wasn't so loving and forgiving.
I guess I'm just fed up with life. I only see it getting darker and darker from here.
